A War Inside
by Queen of Silence
Summary: One day it hits you, all the feelings you have for her is actually love. But she's straight and your best friend so you have no one to talk to. What would happen if you try too hard to push it away and be the perfect girl like your parents expects you to be? Would you go against everyone in order to be who you are or would you give up? Warnings & more inside.
1. The start

Hello dear readers!

This new story is totally different from "This is destiny" so get ready for an emotional ride!

**Please read!**

The story deal with **self harm** and maybe **some eating disorder**, along with **sexuality** and everything that comes with it.  
As you know me [and for those who doesn't], you can expect **sexual content **in the future.

The characters will go a tough journey; experience lows and highs, lose and gain, destroy and build, explore who they are and maybe by the end they'll get answers and find peace.

_Or maybe they won't._

*I know from first hand what and how it is to self harm and I'm putting a lot of what I feel and gone through in here.

*The name is an inspiration from "We came as Romans" song with the same name; If you like rock-post hardcore, great lyrics and amazing music you should check them out.

**I hope you'd like it and bear with me the hard times to enjoy the good ones.**

Let's get to it! :D

* * *

I'm not sure how I got to this point; so much has happened in the last few months that I lost track. I feel like I'm a completely different person.

I'm sure that if people would look at me they wouldn't see the difference; I'm the same blond girl, just a little skinnier. They would probably wonder if I have a boyfriend, or talk about the way I dress. As a girl from a respectable family in the community, I'm used to the talking, stares and whispering. People like to talk about my life, they think they know everything and have the right to judge me. But I stopped worrying about those things. I've learned to focus on the important stuff, and what others think of me isn't on my list. Not right now, anyway.

It's funny; I look back at the times when I was younger and I can barely find any similarities. In the physical aspect, I just grow up, but on the inside I'm as far as I can be from the little girl I was. There isn't anything innocent and optimistic about me. If she could see me now she'd be ashamed of what I have become and I don't blame her..

Society's rules and popularity were a big part of my life, too big that I lost my true self while trying to be what everyone expected me to be to fit in.

I feel like I'm in a middle of a war that I don't want to fight and get hurt over and over again. Now I've been pushed to the edge and I need to make a decision - give up or start fighting. I can lose everything, but if I won't do anything I'm going to lose myself.

The worst part is that this battle is inside of me, it's about defining who I am, and deciding whether to act based on my feelings, or the way I was raised.

It's been rough, it still is, but I'm taking a step forward in getting better. Or at least trying, because I really want to get up and run as fast as I can.

This moment will change everything, it can make me or break me, and I'm not sure I'm ready for either one.

The thought of those eyes staring at me and the silent room gives me shivers. A million thoughts running through my mind as I try to find the words to start explaining, my heart is racing and my palms are sweaty.

I have no idea what's going to happen after the conversation, but one thing is for sure - nothing will be the same.

I'm going through all the recent events in my mind and can't help but shed some tears. It's like I woke up from a coma; my eyes are finally open and I can see clearly. All the fake smiles, the conversations about nothing at all, the bitchy attitude, the image that I built for myself.. So many lies; even before I acknowledged my feelings I was fake. And my family loves the fake me; people in town adore that forged perfection and the students in school either fear me, want to be my friend, or live my life. But all of it is a big fat lie and I can't be that doll anymore, can't hide, because it's too much to keep inside. And for whom?!

I've hurt myself too much in order not to hurt them, I compromised enough and I made myself believe that their happiness is more important. I'm not sure I can be fixed, but I'm done causing damage to my soul and body.

* * *

**Several months ago:**

Quinn was laying on her bed, with her eyes closed, just taking a break from another hectic week as a junior at McKinley High. She's working hard to improve her grades so she can be accepted into a good college, but being the co-captain of the 'Cheerios' and part of the unholy trinity that rule the school is exhausting.

There wasn't any big party she had to attend and her parents left her alone, so she planned to catch up on some sleep and read the recent book she bought, but hasn't had the time to even open.

Her phone buzzed; at first she didn't check it, but after a couple more incoming texted she huffed and grabbed the device.

Incoming: _"Hola, Blondie! What are you up to?"_ -Tana

Incoming: _"Are you sleeping?"_ -Tana

Incoming: _"Not cool, Q! I'm bored and need to see my best friend"_ -Tana

Sent:_ "Obsessive much? Lol I'm just chilling. Want to come over?"_

Incoming:_ "Just parked in your driveway ;)"_ -Tana

After 10 minutes she finally came into the room.

"Hola, Q" she jumped on the bed and hugged Quinn.

Santana Lopez has been Quinn's best friend since kindergarten and they're the co-captains of the 'Cheerios'. She's 5.5 feet, has black hair and chocolate-colored eyes. Her body is in great shape, she's got ABS, but she's very feminine. She likes to wear tight clothes that show her mocha skin and just a little too much cleavage.

Quinn's parents never liked her. In addition to her being Latina, they also think she's a bad influence on her. Yes, she's an outgoing party girl with an optimistic outlook, but she makes Quinn feel free, and it's a part of why she likes her so much. And besides, her parents hate practically everyone.

"Hey, Tana, what's up?" She put the book on the night stand, thinking she's never going to read it.

"Got bored at home and thought it'll be nice to come see the Fabrays."

"Did my mom say something to you?" Even after all these years, they keep on preaching about Tana's choice of clothing and behavior.

"Nothing I'm not used to." She smiled "And it's worth it, because I get to see you". A goofy smile appeared on Quinn's face after hearing those words.

"So why aren't you forcing some poor boy to take you out to dinner?" She smirked and got slapped on the arm.

"First of all, I'm not forcing them; they get to take the hottest girl in school out, and if they're hot enough they get more." She winked "But tonight I decided we should have some best friends time."

"Cool, what do you want to do?"

"Disney?" If someone ever found out Santana liked Disney movies she'd kill them, but watching them is one her favorite things to do with her best friend.

Quinn went to make them popcorn while Santana picked the movie. They got under the covers and watched it in silence.

When Santana laughed, Quinn looked at her and felt her heart twitching. It's not the first time it happened but now it was different, now she's starting to understand why.

After the movie ended the girls stayed in bed, just talking about random topics.

"I thought we could go shopping after practice tomorrow"

"Oh you need more clothes?" Quinn giggled.

Santana didn't find it funny. "I always need new clothes, especially for the party on Friday."

"I don't know, my parents will probably want me to study.." Quinn's face fell.

"Come on, Q, I'm sure if you want you can convince them to let you stay out"

"You mean lie," Quinn folded her hands over her chest. She wanted to go out with Santana, but she still felt bad lying to her parents.

"Lying is a big word. Come on, for me." She came close to Quinn and pouted.

"You're evil! Fine, I'll see what I can do."

"You're the best!" Santana hugged her tightly.

Quinn took a big breath, taking in Santana's scent; a combination between the smell of coconut in her hair and vanilla on her body. She knew it's not what normal friends do, but she couldn't help herself.

_'What's wrong with me?!_' She promised herself to stop being weird, but when she was close to her it was difficult. _'Why does this keep happening?!' _Deep down she knew the answer, but wasn't willing to admit it.

"Lets watch something else," Quinn got out of the bed and went to put another movie in the DVD player. She needed to put some space between them.

With every day it was becoming harder to ignore it and not think about it, but Quinn was determined not to face the truth and keep believing she's something she's obviously not.

* * *

I know it's extremely short, but I promise the next ones are much longer [and better]. _And_ I'll try to update as much as I can.

I'm _-not so-_ patiently waiting to read your reviews. **Come on, don't be shy** _[just nice]_ and write one! You have know idea how much it helps me :)

**Update-** I, miraculously, got a Beta! Yay! Expect new chapters soon.

'till next time :D


	2. See something you like?

Hey, again!

_"Update? So soon?"_

I decided to upload chapter two because the first one was so short and not really showed the depth of the story.

Thanks for those who reads and for the alerts and favorites! :D

* * *

_"No, please, I can't.." _It was the third night in a row that Quinn had nightmares. She woke up; still shaken and with tears streaming down her face, she tried her hardest to forget her dream and especially the person in them. She knew that if she'd even think about that, it would make everything real. And she couldn't let it happen. Pushing away these feelings were the right thing to do, for everyone's sake.

Luckily Quinn had a cheerleading practice early; she got up from her queen sizedbed and got in the shower. She laid against the wall while the hot water streamed down her body. As she enjoyed the relaxing shower, a thought crept into her mind, about how she's going to see her best friend shortly. Her heart ached at that thought, but when she realized what she was doing, she immediately turned off the water and got out.

Panicking and hyperventilating, Quinn sat on her bed in only her robe. She hated when she lost control like that. The 'I'm not going to think about it and it'll pass' mentality wasn't working so she decided to be more serious about it.  
Quinn stood in front of her mirror and said to herself,_ 'I need to cure myself. I can't be a sinner'_.

After she got dressed, she walked downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Good morning, darling," Her mom greeted her.

"Morning, mom," She took an apple and turned to walk out.

"Hey, what about breakfast?"

"Late for practice," She yelled and closed the door.

She ate the apple on her way to school and when she got there she parked in her usual space. Taking her time collecting what she needed for the day, she heard a knock on the window. She looked up and smiled when she saw who it was.

She got out and closed the door when Santana finally spoke "What's with the crazy loud music so early?".

"I woke up in a good mood," She hated lying, but had no other choice.

They walked together, with their arms jointed, to the field; All the cheerleaders were already there, stretching, and they knew their coach was about to be very angry at them for being late.

"Oh thank you, girls, so very much for showing up," The legendary Sue Sylvester said to them through her megaphone.

"Sorry, coach."

"Save it, Sandbags!" they stood in front of her, but she kept talking through the megaphone. "As the co-captains of the team, I expect you to be here before everyone else! I won't let you ruin my chance of winning the nationals! You want me to replace you?"

"No, coach," They said together. There was no point in arguing, their coach was a competitive person and just the fact that she didn't kick them out yet was good enough. Quinn knew how important it was for her to stay in the 'Cherrios', the popularity that came with being a cheerleader protected her from being teased or bullied. She was the one in control of what being said or done in school.  
She was in control.  
At the beginning, Quinn didn't even want to be a cheerleader, all the attention and the tumult that came with it wasn't so appealing to her. Santana made her come with her to the tryouts, she was so excited and kept talking about how it's going to so much fun and that it's going to boost their place in the social scale in school. Quinn couldn't really say no to her. Of course, when she got in and made the co-captain, her parents were thrilled. It was kind of a win-win situation.

They started doing laps when Brittany approached them. Brittany was Quinn's secondbest friend and together with Santana they got the nickname 'the unholy trinity'; they met at day one of first grade, when the girls protected Brittany from some prick who called her stupid. Since that day they rolled the school and were the target of most of the rumors. The girl was blond, optimistic without boundaries and a dancer in soul.

"Hey, girls," She said with a smile.

"Hey, Britt," Santana said and Quinn just smiled.

"Have you heard about Puck's party on Friday?"

"We did," Santana was the one doing the talking. Quinn had to focus on breathing and looking everywhere but at her best friend. Besides, Santana was in batter shape than her.

"Awesome! When are we going shopping?"

"After school, I need a sexy dress so Puck won't be able to take his eyes off of me the whole night," They giggled. Quinn couldn't help but roll her eyes, she told herself it's only because Puck was scum that just used Santana for her body.

"We haven't hung out together in a while, I missed our fun," Brittany pouted.

"Cause Quinn here is a dork!" Santana gave Quinn a little nag.

"Shut up, San!" Finally she opened her mouth.

"It's true, yesterday I found you reading," she mocked her.

"Well it's not like you were partying, we watched.."

"Q!" She pushed her a little harder than before. Even though they were far from the others, Santana couldn't risk her secret being outed. "Not cool!"

Brittany and Quinn only laughed; they both knew Santana had a soft side she won't let others see. It made Quinn feel a little special.

* * *

When the bell rang to announce that the class ended, Quinn quickly collected her notebook and book and headed to the door.

"Hey, Quinn," It was Sam. He was on the football team and also in the glee club, which Quinn found weird. He was a tall, blond guy with a good-looking body and good grades, just the type her parents would love to see her with.

"Oh, hey, Sam," It was obvious that she wasn't feeling comfortable.

"I thought maybe we can.. If you want.. Go get some ice cream or something after school?" Lack of confidence was something Quinn hated and he was so clumsy, almost bumped at the wall on their way to her locker.

"The truth is, I'm going shopping for Pucks party today so..." All she wanted is for him to leave her alone.

"Oh cool, ok.. So maybe I'll see you there?" He said with a half a smile on his face.

"Yeah..."

When he left she was relieved. She didn't need one more person in her life, they were complicated enough.

"Hey, Blondie," Santana opened the locker next to her. "Saw you talking to trouty mouth, what did he want?" The smell of her perfume filled Quinn's nose and she almost didn't hear what her best friend said.

" He wanted to take me to get ice cream." She giggled nervously. Her heart was beating faster and her palms were sweaty. She wasn't sure way, it's not like she felt anything for Sam or did something wrong.

"Are you serious?!" Santana turned to face her "I hope you said no, He's way out of your league," Was it jealousy in her voice? Quinn raised her eyebrow, not sure what was going on.

"He's so hollow, you deserve someone much better than him," Santana said nonchalantly, not knowing Quinn just had a small meltdown.

"Yeah, totally," Quinn closed her locker door, somewhat disappointed.

"Are you Ok, Q?" It was Santana's turn to raise her eyebrow.

"Couldn't be better," She forced a smile.

"Don't worry, babe, we'll get you someone." She put her arm on Quinn's shoulder "But with some brains and smaller lips." She laughed.

"Oh thank you for so much for your kindness, you're such a good friend!"

Santana stood in her place, "Is that sarcasm I hear in your voice, Fabray?", she folded her arms.

"Me? Never." Quinn stood just a few centimeters in front from the Latina.

"Are you doubting my intentions as your best friends?" Santana challenged.

"You know Quinn loves you!" Brittany skipped to where the girls were.

Quinn's face turned red and her heart started racing again.

"Of course she is, I'm awesome!" she grinned.

"And so modest!"

* * *

Quinn parked her car on the street, in front of her house, and got in. She heard her sister and mother talking in the kitchen and wished she could avoid them and get straight to her room; she didn't have enough strength to handle both of them. Of course everything in her life happened just the opposite to what she wants, they noticed her and called her to come and eat with them.

"Thanks, I already ate in school." Lie.

"So just come and talk to as for a bit." her mother's tone was a bit harsh. Quinn had no choice so she sat on one of the chairs and frowned.

"How was school today?"

"Fine, mom."

"Met any nice boy?"

"No.." She moved uncomfortably in her chair.

"Of course she didn't." Her sister decided to share her view on the subject "She's always with that bimbo and the stupid girl, they only attract sleazes"

Quinn stood up and pointed at her sister, "Don't talk about them like that! They're my friends.."

"Quinn, don't yell at your sister." Her mom cut her off.

She huffed, as expected, her mother defended her sister.. She didn't want to start a big fight, she had enough of those, so she got up to her room to rest for a bit.

_'Santana's been my friend for so many years and they still treat her like crap! I hate them! Why can't they just let me live my life, do what I want and be friends with who I want! They just expect me to be perfect, like Frannie , but I'm a different person. I try so hard to make them happy, or at least don't disappoint them, but nothing is good enough..'_ Quinn though, she was afraid to even say it aloud. She rested her head on the pillow and cried for a couple of minutes, just letting things out a little.

* * *

On her way to pick Santana up to go to the mall, she got a text saying to drive to Puck's house, _'just great..'_. She wasn't in the mood to hear how great Puck is in bed and how much fun Santana had with him. She barely left the house. All she wanted was to stay in bed and dive into a fantasy world with her book.

Sent: _"Out"_. That's all she wrote.

Santana came out of the front door after a few minutes; she walked quickly and opened the passenger door of the car.

"Wait," Quinn said before Santana got in.

"What?" Santana was confused.

"Did you shower?"

"I'm not sure if you're serious or not, because of the sunglass, but if you have to know, I did," She sat next to Quinn "What's with the bitchiness?"

"Nothing, just don't want the smell of Puck sticking in my car," Quinn put her hand on the gear, but Santana wasn't about to let it go.

"Talk."

"Family stuff, I don't want to talk about it. Let's just go."

"Oh honey! You should know by now, you can't let them get to you! What do you say about coming to my place for dinner?" Santana said with a big smile.

"I don't think it's a good idea." She didn't need another lecture from her parents about spending time with Santana when she'll get home.

"Come on, my family misses you and you'll get to eat my father's food, I know you love it!" She poked her in the stomach.

"Ok, OK, just stop!" Quinn couldn't stop laughing. It's amazing how Santana could change the way she feels in seconds.

"Good, now drive." Santana put her own sunglass "Oh, and next time if you want to know about my sex life just ask."

"Ew, gross." She made a disgusted face and Santana just laughed.

"Don't pretend, Fabray, I know you want all up on my sexiness." Santana lowered her sunglasses and wiggled her eyebrows.

Quinn stopped the car at the last second; she almost missed the red light. "Stop talking shit, San." Her heart was pounding like crazy, either from Santana's comment or almost driving on a red light.

"Wow, Q, no need to kill us over a joke.. Or maybe you want to tell me something?" Santana being Santana, she kept having fun, not knowing Quinn almost fainted.

"You're so full of yourself, you know that?" Quinn tried to be as convincing as she could, bringing on her HBIC side.

"You didn't say no." Santana kept pushing.

"I don't." Now Quinn was irritated. _'Why does everyone think they know best?! Why can't they just leave me alone?'_

"Too late!" Santana giggled.

"Oh shut up!" Quinn's hands held tight on the wheel, her knuckles turned white.

"God Q, no need to yell, I was only joking." Santana didn't really understand what was going on with her friend; she was jumpier than usual. She thought maybe the shopping would help calm her down and they could talk after dinner. She hated seeing her best friend like that, she was sure that was her family's fault. Little did she know that her little play was the main reason for Quinn's outburst.

"Sorry.." She felt bad for losing control. It was strike one for the evening.

* * *

The girls reached the mall and met up with Brittany. They took their time and just walked around, chatting and pointing at the clothes they wished they could afford. Usually, the girls held each other's arm when they walked, but that day Quinn didn't feel comfortable doing that. Moreover, she was a bit disconnected, floating in her own mind. She tried to keep up with the conversation so the girls wouldn't notice, but sometimes Santana glanced at her.

They got into a store and immediately picked a variety of clothes to try on. Brittany was the first to go into the changing room. In the meantime, Quinn looked around. She spotted two girls, one of them just went out of the changing room and her friend complimented her on her choice. The girl was quite beautiful, she wasn't that tall, but she had a dark skin tone, her eyes were green and her brown hair was curly at the tips.

"See something you like?" She heard Santana's voice and quickly diverted her look. _'What the fuck is wrong with me?! Well, it's normal for a girl to look at other girls.. Right? It's not like I'm attracted to her.. What if Santana thinks I checked her out? Maybe she'll get.. Oh just stop thinking and say something!' _

"What?" Quinn mentally slapped herself for her stupid response.

"Did you find something you like for the party?" Santana said hesitatingly "Q, you're really out of it today, what's wrong?"

"Nothing.." Strike two.

Santana wanted to try and push it a little bit more, but Brittany just came out of the changing room so she had to leave it. She wore a turquoise floral lace dress with a belt that was perfect on Brittany; it wasn't a surprise because the girl knew how to choose the right clothes since forever.. Brittany was excited, she loved the color and that the dress wasn't too tight, she wanted something she'd feel comfortable to dance in. The three of them approved it immediately.  
Next was Quinn, she took her dress and got in the changing room. She took off her clothes and put on a pink pleated dress with belt. Hers wasn't as short as Brittany's, but emphasized her hourglass body. She laughed to herself; her mother would never let her buy this dress. When she buys clothes that her parents don't approve of, she leaves them at Santana's place and comes to her to get ready for parties. _'So lame! I can't even wear what I like.._' she thought while trying to zip the zipper of her dress.

"Need help?" Santana's voice surprised her. She entered the booth and helped her. "You look amazing." She smiled.

Quinn blushed furiously and avoid Santana's eyes "Thanks.."

Santana put her finger under Quinn's chin and lifted it "Q, you're a beautiful girl, embrace it! I know it's hard for you, but start trying. For me, ok?" Quinn felt vulnerable under Santana's gaze. She was used to being told to hide her body and to watch what she ate or else nobody would like her, so to hear someone saying she's beautiful was a big thing.  
The small space forced them to be close, so close that Quinn was sure Santana could feel her heartbeat. Subconsciously, Quinn flicked her eyes to Santana's lips. She swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to find words to help her escape the awkward situation. "Um yeah, thank San.. I'll change back now."

"Cool." With that Santana exited the room.

_'I'm such an idiot! I can't deal with these horrifying thoughts. Fuck, I just want them to go away!'_

Strike three.

When it was Santana's turn to try on her dress, Quinn excused herself, saying she needed to make a call. The truth is, she didn't feel good, she wanted to vomit and hide under her bedsheets. No matter how hard she tried to push her sinful thoughts away, they came back, tearing her apart.  
She didn't want to accept them and deal with what she was feeling. She wanted to be normal. She wanted the pain in her heart to stop and to go a day without feeling like she deserved to die.  
She didn't ask for any of that, so why couldn't she just switch it off and be like everyone else.  
Quinn walked between all the people, but didn't hear any of the noise; she was so deep in her own head. Nothing made sense to her.

* * *

The three girls wandered around some more after they were done shopping. Quinn pushed away her messy thoughts and tried to enjoy the time with her friends.

Dinner time came close so the girls decided to go home. They said goodbye to Brittany in the driveway and went to Quinn's car.

"Fuck, I'm so hungry!" Santana said shortly after the drive started.

"You're always hungry."

"But now I'm starving."

"I bet, shopping is so exhausting." Quinn said sarcastically.

"Shopping and sex, yeah."

"Puck doesn't feed you?" Quinn tried to sound interested, even though it was the last thing she wanted to hear.

"We're not like that.."

"What does that means?"

"We have sex, that's all"

"San.." Leaving her confusion, she wasn't pleased with this arrangement. Casual sex wasn't something she thought was right and she didn't want to see her best friend gets hurt.

"Don't, Q, it works for us" Santana knew Quinn would never be ok with what she was doing, but they never judged each other so at least Quinn wouldn't yell at her.

"As long as you're happy." It wasn't a lie, she wanted her to be happy. She just hoped it would have been with someone that would actually appreciate her.

Quinn parked in Santana's driveway and watched her take the dresses and get out of the car.

"Come on, Q."

"I think I'll go home, I'm really tired."

"Oh no! You can crash at mine. Please!"

"Rain check?"

"You're no fun! I'll see you at school." Santana turned around.

"Don't be mad.."

Santana turned half of her body and said, "Like I can be mad at you, you're my best friend, even though you're totally a nerd."

"Good night to you too."

"Night, Quinnie."

* * *

"Nice of you to show up." Her father said when she got home "Where have you been?"

"Study group." She was thankful that she didn't shudder.

"That's my girl!" He petted her on the head. "You do well in school, right?"

"Yes, dad."

"Good. Your education is very important; look at your sister, she's going to Princeton next year." He was so proud. Her mother and sister just grinned at his words.

"Sit and eat, darling," her mother said.

"I ate with the guys, thank you. May I go to my room?"

Her mother looked like she wanted to object, but her father let her go.

Finally, in her room she could let herself break.  
Quinn laid on her bed, stared at the ceiling and held the tears that begged to come out.  
She didn't move for a couple of hours. She listened to the noise from downstairs until everyone went to bed. When it was quiet she got up and stood in front of her mirror.  
_'If I want to be cured I need to be committed and part of the process is also punishment. I deserve to be punished because I can't control myself; I let the horrible thoughts enter my mind, I get too emotional and I let evil and lust guide me instead of god. I will get better, I just need to be stronger.'_ After preaching that to herself, she took a razor blade from her bathroom and let the blade slice through her flesh.  
Her thigh started to bleed, but she didn't care. The pain was good; it helped her relax and released some of her emotional pain. It felt right.  
Strike one wasn't that deep, by strike three it felt much better. All her lies were shown on her skin, together with sin, confusion, fear.  
When Quinn stopped she felt a little better. She let the tissue absorb all the blood and made her feel proud.

Maybe it could work and she'll be cured.

* * *

**Tell me what you think! What or who you like\dislike, what you want to see happen and any ideas you have.**

**The updates are up to my inspiration, your reviews and my beta. So if you want more just say so ;)**

**'till next time :)**


	3. Quinn's goal

Hey!

Here is another update. I hope I'd be able to do it regularly.

A big thank you to my awesome beta! Her Tumblr is **shesjustagirlxo,** go check her out! :D

**Reviews:**

_MusicIsMyLife2K13- _thank you! I hope to get more :)

_me2pointO- _thank you!

_recklesslittleliar- _the main idea is about Quinn's journey to acceptance. It's not always easy to accept your sexualty and come out. I hate to write about the _sin_ thing because me and religion are not best of friends, but it's necessary _for now_. Things will get much worse before it'll get better. I just hope you'd stick around.

_LaurenKnight13- _thank you so much, your comment means a lot to me. I hate that everything that Quinn's going through is real and not from my crazy imagination, but things do get better in life so let's hope she'll get a happy ending.

_Guest- _thank you.

* * *

After the events of the previous night, Quinn woke up with a different mindset; no more weak and emotional wreck, from that point on she was going to justify her being the head cheerleader. She put on her uniform and straightened her ponytail, feeling the strongest she has been in a while.

Quinn sat down next to her sister at the kitchen table. The rest of the family was in the middle of breakfast, eggs and bacon as usual, so she wordlessly put some food on her plate and started to eat. Her father was drinking his coffee whilst reading the newspaper, her sister was busy texting on and her mother just stared at her.

"What?" Quinn asked silently, shifting uncomfortably under her mother's gaze.

"I just think that this outfit is inappropriate"

"It was always the cheerleaders uniform." Quinn didn't understand why her mother decided to protest now, her sister wore it a year ago, before her injury.

"I'll speak to Miss Sylvester about it later; I won't let my youngest daughter walk around dressed like that"

Quinn just shook her head, it's not like the uniform was too provocative. The skirt reached the middle of her thighs and the top wasn't showing any cleavage, it was just tight. She giggled in her head when she thought about what the uniform would look like if her mother was in charge of them, _'we would probably look like nuns'_. But she wasn't worried; her coach knew how to handle her crazy mother, she was the one convincing her to let Frannie and her go to cheer camp every year.

"Anyway," Frannie lifted her head from her iPhone "I have a date tomorrow so the girls and I are going out shopping today" She said with a huge smile on her face.

"A date?" Her father raised his eyebrow "Who's the young man?"

"Jack Harris" Frannie said proudly.

"Oh I know his parents, they're a good family" He said and went back to his paper.

"Very well, Fran. What about you, Quinn, are there any boys in your life?" Quinn's stomach turned at the question and she lost her appetite.

"Um no, maybe, I don't know..." She blushed.

"There is nothing to be ashamed of; meeting a nice man can do you good"

"Maybe she's not into boys" Her sister said and Quinn's eyes widened in fear "I mean, she's always studying and reading books, it's hard to find a guy if you're not putting yourself out there" Quinn let out a breath she didn't know she held.

"Or maybe I have someone and I'm not ready to tell you yet! I'm going to school" Quinn stormed out.

"Wait, you're my ride!" Her sister followed quickly behind her.

* * *

Quinn walked into school with a goal to achieve; she moved fast among the people, not giving a shit if she tackled someone on her way. She looked around and saw fear in some peoples eyes, it gave her strength.

"Get lost" Quinn said to a kid that was in her way "Hey Sam"

The boy looked at her with a blank expression "Hey?"

"So I was thinking, what do you say about taking me to Puck's party tomorrow?" Quinn leaned against the locker and stroked Sam's arm with her other hand.

"Really? Cool!" Sam looked like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Excellent, pick me up at nine?"

"No problem"

"Good, I'll see you later" Quinn gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to her locker.

This was extremely hard for her, but she made it. Maybe her mother was right and dating a guy would do her good and Sam is ok. The guy is on the football team and he's hot, it'd do well for her reputation and maybe she'll develop feelings for him with time and the stupid phase would go away.

As she got to her locker, Quinn took a couple of breaths before opening it. When she was done and closed the locker door she was pushed against it. The guy that was pushed on her mumbled that he's sorry and kept going with his buddies.

"Excuse me!" She yelled at them "What the fuck was that?!"

They quickly turned around, looking a bit nervous. They weren't jocks or anything so they should've been afraid of the blond.

"I think I asked you a question" Quinn came closer to them with fire in her eyes. She was letting her built up anger go out on them and she didn't care.

"We were joking around and didn't see you..." One of the boys said, not daring to look her straight in the eyes.

"I'd advise you to look next time, you know what? Scratch that, there won't be a next time or you'll be very sorry" Her arms were folded, her eyebrows were raised and her voice was harsh.

"Yeah, of course, we promise" They ran from there and disappeared in the sea of students.

"What the hell was that?!" A voice behind her asked.

Quinn turned around, still in the same bitchy mood "Stupid nerds, they need to pay attention to their surroundings!" She walked past the girls and towards her classroom.

"What crawled up your ass and died?" Santana was puzzled at the new Quinn.

"Nothing" Quinn glanced at their joint pinkies and sat at her table. She pressed hard on her thigh, causing a shot of pain through her body, to remind herself what she was doing and why. Being around Santana is the hard part; smelling her scent, hearing her voice, watching her gorgeous body. And then, when the girl was right in front of Quinn, her breath caught in her throat and her heart was pounding. Quinn hated that the girl affected her so much and without her even knowing.

"Don't give us that attitude, we're not everyone else" Santana took the seat next to her, accidentally brushing her hand on Quinn's, causing the blond to shiver. Brittany took a seat at the table next to them and watched the two.

Quinn didn't respond, she just huffed and played with her phone.

"Whatever Q, be like that" Santana was irritated. She didn't get why Quinn was acting so weird and didn't even talk to her, but she wasn't about to beg the girl to open up.

"What do you say about a girl's night tonight? It will be fun to just chill" Brittany tried to break the tension. She hated to see people fight, especially the ones that are close to her.

"I don't know, Britt, I have to study and it's a school night" Quinn didn't move her eyes from her phone, she knew that if she'd look at Brittany she'd see her pout and give up right away.

"Geek" Santana mumbled. She sat with her arms folded; fighting the urge to shake Quinn until she'd tell her what the fuck was wrong with her.

Quinn was about to say something, but Brittany beat her to it "We can meet at six, so you'll have time to study and you can leave early. Please Q, we can use some time to do girly stuff" Quinn didn't have to look; she could hear Brittany pouting through her voice. She gave up. "Yay! We can do our nails and talk about boys, it'll be great" exactly what Quinn needed; she tried to keep her composure and think about how she was going to handle just being the three of them in Britt's room.

* * *

The girls sat at the cheerleaders' table at lunch, as they always did. Quinn was listening to Brittany talking about how she thought her cat was the head of a cat's mob. She smiled at how innocent the girl is, she thought that it's must be easier to live with no worry, like everything in the world is pure and good. Quinn envied Brittany for being who she was without a care in the world, to be this happy and laid back. Yeah, Brittany might have a strange point of view of life, but all her intention was good, she never hated someone or lied to anyone, she always looked on the bright side of everything. Quinn wished there was more people like her best friend.

Santana must have noticed the Quinn spaced out and nudged her shoulder. "What?" Quinn whispered to her, a bit annoyed she was interrupted.

Before Santana had the chance to say something, Jacob Ben Israel approached them with his microphone and recording device "Hello, Quinn, can I get your comment about a piece of news that came into my hands?" Jacob ran a school gossip website and the three girls was always top news.  
Quinn was really not in the mood, but she knew that if she refused it would make it worse so she agreed.

"Is the rumor that you're dating Sam Evans true?" Jacob moved the mic towards Quinn and smiled. He was overjoyed that he got the info and was dying to get a confirmation from Quinn.

"I think you need to check your sources, Jewfro, because you can't be more.." Santana snatched his microphone and yelled at him; she was tired of him always making up stupid things about the three of them. Obviously, her best friend was going through something and she didn't need some idiot bothering her.

"It's true" Quinn cut her off "We aren't really dating, he's just taking me to Puck's party tomorrow" Her face was emotionless and her tone was cold. It was a good thing that everyone would know about her and Sam. Jacob might think that he got a scoop, but Quinn was the one controlling the information that got to him, one of the advantages of being the head-cheerleader.

"Thank you, Quinn" He looked smug; not only he got his story, but he got to watch Santana all blindsided from the news. He wondered why.

Santana grabbed Quinn's hand and dragged her to the nearest bathroom "Out!" She screamed at the girls that were there and they ran away.

"What the fuck, San?!" Quinn rubbed her arm that was red from Santana's death grip.

"Don't San me! And what the fuck is my question to ask" Santana's hands were on her hips. She felt offended, mad and somewhat disgusted.

"Is that about Sam?" Quinn's heart was racing again, she was scared of what Santana was going to do or say. It took all her strength to keep looking in the Latinas' eyes and be firm, she wasn't really a badass so it was hard for her to act like she was. Quinn kept telling herself that she's doing the right thing and it will all be worth it in the end, but seeing Santana's face broke her heart. She hated to be the one hurting the girl, but it was way better than the alternative, that would probably hurt her too, if not more.

"Are you even listening to me?!" Quinn brought back from thoughts.

"I missed the last part, but it was probably all about how I shouldn't date Sam" Quinn pretended to be offended.

"Damn straight you shouldn't! We just had this talk yesterday"

"And I changed my mind"

"What's going on with you? You're acting strange lately" Santana looked like she tried to get inside her soul to get the answer.

"There isn't anything wrong, I'm perfectly fine" Quinn had enough, she wanted to get away from the girl "Sam is a nice guy and we're just going to the party together, it's not like I'm going to marry him. And as my best friend, I expected to have your support, but maybe it's too much for me to ask!" And with that she stormed out, leaving a very confused Santana alone.

She saw Brittany and the girl tried to stop her, but as much as she didn't want to hurt her friend's feelings, she had to get away from there and fast. When she got to her car she could finally break down and cry. She hated lying to Santana; she hated the way she felt, she hated that she needed to pretend to be just the opposite of who she really was. Most of all she hated that she was so weak.

Quinn drove home and when she got there the place was empty. She was thankful that she was alone and ran to her bedroom. In there she quickly found the razor blade she used the night before and sat on the floor, on the corner of her room. She looked at the scars, felt the injured and sore skin with her fingers and started to cry again.

It wasn't what she wanted, her life was in complete mess and she couldn't talk to anyone about it. And besides, it was her fault for having those sinful feelings towards her best friend, her_ female_ best friend. Quinn knew how horrible _those people_ are, her parents taught her that_ those people_ are sick, they can't control their lust, and they're abomination and will burn in hell. She knew that being_ like that_ isn't an option and she had to do whatever it takes to get rid of it and never tell anyone.

The cold blade came in contact with her inner thigh, she pushed it hard so it'll do real damage to her skin and watched as the blood started to drip from the open wound. Quinn felt her suppressed feeling filling her stomach, making her feel sick, so she cut again. It wasn't enough; she needed to get rid of the pain. She needed to stop feeling. Tears streamed down her face, while blood covered her thigh.  
Every cut represented something; the shame, the disgust, her fears, her weakness, the forbidden love, hate, loneliness.. Quinn threw the razor aside and leaned on the wall, she stared blankly at the ceiling without one thought in her mind. Cutting gave her the oh, so necessary break from the chaos inside of her and in her life.

After half an hour Quinn got up and cleaned herself and the blood stains on the floor. She felt drained and crawled into her bed and cried herself to sleep.

When she woke up, Quinn decided she needed to distract herself so she sat at her table and did her homework.  
Quinn heard the front door open and close, she stiffened as the steps got closer to her room.

"Hey sweetie, is everything alright?" Her dad smiled.

"Yeah, dad" She forced the lips to form a smile.

"What are you studying?"

"English"

"Good luck. I'll be in the living room if you need me"

When her father closed the door, Quinn's phone started to ring. She had a clue who it was and wasn't sure if to pick up or not, but the person didn't give up so she answered.

"Hey Britt"

"Quinnie you answered! I thought I'll have to come to your house" At least she didn't sound angry "I know you and Sanny had a fight, but she agreed to come to mine and say she's sorry" Then Quinn heard Santana's voice protesting. She knew Santana's ego is huge and apologizing is a big thing for her and it must be Brittany's idea "Sorry for that.. So are you coming?"

"Um.." Quinn wasn't sure if she can, if she was strong enough to keep calm.

"I know you're angry, but we're best friends and we can let a stupid fight ruin it. Please, Please, Please!" Brittany tried so hard and Quinn didn't have the heart to say no.

"I'll be there is half an hour'

"Yes!" She screamed "You see, Tana, She's coming!"

Quinn smiled and said bye.

She took a quick shower and put a t shirt and jeans on. After she grabbed her cell phone and keys, she went downstairs.  
Taking a big breath, she walked in the living room and told her father she's going to Brittany's place to help her study. Half a strike.

* * *

Quinn sat in her car, in front of Brittany's home, for ten minutes; she needed to relax herself and put her mask back on before actually facing her friends.  
Once she was ready she knocked on the door and waited.

"Oh hey Quinn!" Brittany's mother greeted her. She and her best friend were the same, inside and out.

"Hey Mrs. P" She gave her a shy smile.

"The girls are upstairs; I just brought them some snacks and coke. Have fun"

"Thanks"

Quinn stood in front of a room she knows better than her own, not daring to open the door. She didn't have to wait long because Brittany opened the door after two minutes.

"Q why are you just standing here?"

"How did you know I'm here?" Quinn raised an eyebrow.

"LT meowed at the door, I guess he misses you" She winked.

Lord Tubbington was Brittany's enormous cat. Quinn had no idea why this animal likes her because she was never too nice to him, but shrugged and walked in the room with her hand in her pockets.

Quinn's eye met Santana's and her heart melted; she wanted to scream how much she's sorry and didn't mean to hurt her. Instead she just smiled and said hey.

"Hey Q" Santana returned the smile.

"Oh please don't be awkward, you're best friends!" Brittany closed the door and jumped on the bed "Say you're sorry and lets move to the fun part" You can always trust Brittany to make a tense situation into a funny one in a second.

"Q I'm.."

"San.."

They all laugh. It was really ridiculous and Quinn just wanted it to be over so they could go back to normal.

"Listen S, I didn't mean to hide Sam from either of you, I asked him a couple of hours earlier and wanted to wait until the right moment. I'm sorry for not telling you and acting crazy" Quinn tried hard to hold her tears from falling.

"I'm the one who needs to say sorry, I had no right to be mad at you and yell the way I did. I'm happy for you no matter who you're with, as long as he treats you right" Santana had a big smile on her face as she opened her hands for a hug. Quinn giggled and shook her head to the side, happy they were past it. She stumbled to Santana and hugged her tightly. With that everything was fine again.

The three girls did their nails and talked about random things.

"So Q, this thing with Sam is serious or just for fun?" Brittany asked while she painted Santana's nails.

"If by fun you mean what Santana is doing with Puck no definitely not" They laughed.

"What's wrong with what we're doing?"

"You know I'm not like that"

"Should I be offended?" Santana looked at Quinn with a challenging face.

Quinn giggled "No, you do your thing and I'll do mine. We'll see what happens between Sam and I."

"Well I think he's totally hot and I've heard he's really funny" Brittany shared her thoughts on the subject.

"Yeah, they'll get married and have perfect blond kids" Santana grinned.

"Who knows.." Quinn acted like that something that she would like to see happen. Truth is she thought about how amazing her and Santana's kids could look like; the combination of their skin tone, with Santana's brown hair and her hazel ones and Santana's feisty personality with Quinn's shyness. Then she remembered that it's not possible and felt sick to her stomach.

"Oh look at how red she is just by thinking about it!" Brittany squealed.

Santana smirked "You got it bad, girl!"

She really did.

"Shut up.." If only did they knew who the cause of her blushing really was it would be the end of her.

"What about you, Britt, someone special?" Quinn asked to deflect the attention.

Brittany bit her lip and shook her head.

"Don't worry, there are a lot of great guys out there, you'll find someone!" Quinn offered a warm smile that her friend gave back.

They talked more about the 'cheerios', school, new shoes Santana wanted and other stuff. Time passed and Quinn had to go home. She was glad she came and had fun with her friends, she even got to forget her problems for part of the time.

"S, do you need a ride?" Quinn asked Santana as she got up and straightened her clothes.

"Thanks Q, but I'm sleeping here" Santana giggled and looked at Brittany.  
It's not like it wasn't a regular thing for them to spend the night at one another's houses, but something seemed a bit different about the two other girls. Quinn decided to brush it off and go home.  
She said good night to her best friends and walked out to her car.

Quinn was proud of herself for keeping together and letting herself have some fun.

_'Maybe tonight I'll be able to get some good night sleep'_ she thought as she drove away to her house.

* * *

**As I said before, don't be shy ****_[just nice]_**** and leave a review with your thoughts, ideas, likes and dislikes. The reviews helps and encourage me to write faster :D**

**'till next time!**


	4. clean soul

All I'm going to say is that things are about to get _intense _in the next two chapters.

* * *

Quinn was exhausted from cheerleading practice. Sue decided to push them to their limits and Quinn, as head cheerleader, had to do even more than the rest. Quinn was sure she was going to puke from all the new exercises Sue came up with, luckily for her she was in good shape and managed to get through this hell of a practice.

Quinn entered the locker room; drained, sweaty and hungry. She wanted to take a hot shower and get home as fast as possible. She opened her locker to get her towel and shampoo, closed it and made her way towards one of the empty showers.  
Quinn turned the hot water handle and let the hot stream wash her worn out body. Her muscles relaxed underneath the warmth and she let out quiet moans as she washed her hair and sore body.

Getting out of the shower, Quinn made sure the towel covered the important parts and her scars; she really didn't want someone discovering them and spreading rumors. She looked to her sides to make sure no one was paying attention and quickly changed; when she put on her jeans, Quinn exhaled with relief.

"Q" Suddenly Santana appeared, causing Quinn to jump in her place.

"Jesus Christ!" Quinn held her chest and tried to even her breath.

Santana tried hard to hold back a chuckle "Calm down, Blondie, it's only me"

"You enjoy it too much" Quinn glared at Santana "What do you want?"

Santana glanced down Quinn's body, making the other girl blush furiously "want a picture? It will last longer" That seemed to get the Latina out of her trance. Quinn could have sworn she saw Santana's cheeks getting a little reddish, but she was too nervous to think about the reason.

"Shut up, Fabray, You know _I'm _the one with the hottest body in school" Santana said and pointed at herself.

"Yeah, yeah whatever..." Quinn hurried to put her shirt on. It was hard enough to be around Santana, she didn't need to add being shirtless in it too.

"So when are you coming to my place to get ready?" Santana leaned on the locker and played with her hair.

"About that..."

"Come on, Q!" Santana pushed herself from the locker and stood in front of Quinn

"Sam is picking me up and my parents want to see him, you know how they are" Quinn picked up her things and walked out of the locker room with Santana right behind her.

"I still need my dress so can I stop by to grab it?"

"Only if you'd stay for lunch" Santana grinned. Quinn smiled back at her and got into her car.

* * *

When Quinn and Santana entered the Lopez residence they saw Isabel and Leonardo, Santana's twin little siblings. They're 15 years old, has a mocha skin tone like their sister and any other connection between the three of them is coincidental.

Isabel, or belle as they call her, is the quiet one of the family; she likes reading books, everything technology related and volunteering at an animal shelter. She looks like Santana at almost anything, like her athletic body shape or her button-like nose, but she doesn't care too much about her look or popularity.

Leon is the typical teenage boy; He likes all kinds of sports and is an expert in swimming, he can play video games all day if you let him and he eats only unhealthy food. Also, his room is a mess; going in there can put your life in danger because no one knows what you can find there. Leon has a big body for a young man his age, that's because of all the practice he does, he has some facial hair that he _loves_ and _nurtures _and he has a Surfer hairstyle.  
Moreover, the twins got their father's green eyes, which irritated Santana to death.

"Hey losers" Santana closed the door behind them.

"Bitch" They said back, not moving their eyes from the television screen.

"Well, the bitch and _Quinn_ are going upstairs"

"Quinn?!" They both turned around. Santana smirked; she knew the twins love her best friend and missed her so much.

"Hey guys" Quinn said shyly; she loved the kids too, they were like her own younger siblings and they got along amazingly.

"You can let her go now" Santana pushed her brother off of Quinn "we have more important things to do than hang out with you, losers" She grabbed Quinn's hand and pulled her upstairs.

"You suck!" Her brother yelled at her and got back to sit next to his sister.

Santana locked the door behind and lay next to Quinn. Santana's room was huge; the wall color was purple, she had a queen size bed, flat screen TV, a small room that was used as her closet and her own bathroom. The wall behind the bed was covered with pictures of Santana's favorite musicians and on the floor was a brown rug.

"I think they love you more than me" They both giggled.

"I'm obviously extraordinary and you're just lame" Quinn stated nonchalantly and got smacked on her arm "Just telling the truth!" Quinn giggled. She tried to cover her unsureness about Santana's statement; did she mean to say that her siblings love her more than they love their sister or more than she loves her. It was too confusing for Quinn so she decided it's best to not over think it and push it away.

"Oh shut it, you're a nerd"

"You're the one to talk, reading books about the history of music" Quinn spotted the book on Santana's night stand and flipped through it.

Santana blushed, she'd like to continue keeping her interest in music private "Give it to me" She snatched the book from Quinn's hands "When did you get so nosey, Fabray?"

"When you started to practice music and forgot to tell me about it, I guess" Quinn knew Santana would like to maintain the 'cheerleader that doesn't care about anything' persona, but they were alone so she thought they could talk about it.

"I read it when I'm bored..."

"That's the best you can do? I've known you more than 10 years, I know you like music and hate to share stuff about yourself with people" Quinn tried to make eye contact, but Santana kept her gaze on the bed "I'd like to think of myself as more than just 'another person' in your life"

"You are!" Santana rushed to clarify and Quinn smiled softly.

"So come on, tell me" Quinn couldn't control the urge to get Santana to open up to her and to know one more thing about her. She told herself it's because Santana is important to her as best friends and that it doesn't have anything to do with the sinful feeling she had towards the girl.

"I will, but you know I'll go all..."

"...Lima heights on me if I ever tell a soul, I know" Quinn rolled her eyes "Drop the 'girl from the hood' attitude, I know you're far away from that" She mocked her. Knowing all of Santana's walls make it easy for Quinn to see through her friend and get right to the point.

_"Bitch"_ Santana sneered under her breath. Quinn raised her eyebrow and cleared her throat; "Fine, I started to take vocal lessons last week" Santana blushed. Quinn glared at her "What?" Santana said in a high pitch voice.

"I'm truly happy for you" Quinn said genuinely "But I want to slap you because you hide it and made a big secret out of it, like you start selling drugs or something!"

"Oh come on, Q..."

"Never mind, so how is it going?" Their eyes met, causing Goosebumps all over Quinn's body.

"Pretty well, I have an amazing teacher; she's a little crazy and despite her age she knows a lot about music. She told me that if this is really what I want to do in life, I should read about the history and get to know different styles and genres" Santana spoke so passionately about her new love. The spark in Santana's eyes made Quinn feel warm inside; seeing the girl so happy made her smile grow even bigger. Quinn was mesmerized when Santana's dimples were shown; they were her weakness, she could look at them all day and do anything Santana would ask if the girl flashed them.

"OK, speak!" Suddenly Santana said.

"I'm sorry?" Quinn wasn't sure what Santana expected her to say "I already told you I'm happy that you're doing what you love and I think it's great..." She gave it a try; maybe it was what the girl asked and she saved herself.

"I don't mean that" Santana sighed "You're spacing out a lot lately, what's going on Q?" She said gently.

Quinn's heart pounded fast; she mentally slapped herself for being so reckless with the staring and not paying attention. She tried to be a good best friend, _a normal one_, but she couldn't concentrate with the Latina so close to her, being cute as she was.

"Nothing, really, I'm fine" She prayed to God that Santana would leave it alone.

"That's why you're playing with your rings?" Santana pointed out and got Quinn pale as a ghost. Knowing the small things weren't a one side thing, Santana also knew Quinn and she knew that when the girl gets nervous she plays with her rings. "Why are you lying to me? I just want to help" Her voice became softer.

All Quinn wanted to do was get up and leave or disappear; instead she sat there with Santana's eyes pierced on her. She reminded herself that lies are better than the truth in this situation and after all she was getting better.

"You know how my family is; I'm just tired of talking about them all the time..." She was impressed with herself for not stuttering.

"I've known your parents for many years and the fact is that they probably won't change so I think you need to be strong and ignore them as much as possible. Think about it; you have one year and a half before college and then you can be free from them and do whatever you like" Quinn lowered her head, but Santana raised it by putting her finger on her chin "Quinn, I'm serious! I know what they're telling you and I'm here to prove them wrong; you are a beautiful, smart, talented girl with a bright future. Everything you touch turns to gold"

They both giggled, but Quinn's eyes still held sadness "I know it's hard to shake years of brain wash, but I'm here to help you see beyond their narrow minded view. You need to start loving your amazing figure and live your life, even if it's not the same way that they'd like you to" Quinn finally locked eyes with Santana and the girl saw an amount of pain she never saw in her best friend

"I know you have your values, but I also know you want to have more freedom. I'm not saying go out and fuck every guy you see..." Quinn glared at her and she chuckled ".But you can have fun and let loose. Do what feels good to you, not to anyone else" Santana held Quinn's hands. She hated to see how a girl as awesome as Quinn had such a low self-esteem and that her own parents don't appreciate her and kept putting her down.

While Santana was in her little bubble, Quinn's mind almost exploded. Santana's tone was intense, her words cut straight to Quinn's heart and her touch burned her skin. Her mind absorbed the words like a man getting a cup of water in the middle of the desert. Yes, she was desperate for someone who would love and accept her the way she is. Hearing her family always pointing out negative remarks cause her damage over the years; she hated her weight and they basically made her feel like everything she ever felt or wanted was wrong, from clothes to choosing a career.

Although it was good to hear the words, especially from the person closes to her, she hated herself even more. The feeling of Santana's hands on hers mixed with the overwhelming kind words made her fall even more in love. Quinn had a huge urge to just pull the girl close to her and kiss her for hours, to tell her that she's the only one that ever took the time to see that she's hurting and tried to push her forward. But she couldn't. She didn't want to be sent to hell, to be kicked out of her home and for her family to not speak with her. She hated to be so weak and not getting over that stupid crush and having such strong feelings for someone she's supposed to be best friends with. Santana was in front of her, trying to encourage her and make her feel better and all she wanted to do was kiss her. It made her feel dirty and like she's taking advantage of Santana.

"I'm here for you, whenever wherever" Santana smiled.

"Thank you; really, you have no idea..."

"No thank you's, that's what best friends do" Her smile grew wider. Quinn mentally slapped herself; Santana was right, best friends suppose to help each other, not fall in love with one another.

Quinn forced a smile and could breathe again because Santana took her hand off of hers.

"Now that's settled, let's go to eat!"

They went downstairs, not before Quinn reminded herself she needed a rough punishment today.

* * *

They went to the Lopez kitchen; the family was known for their love for food and were really good cooks so they had a big kitchen with lots of cool tools to help them cook. They had a huge table and their fridge was always full because they love to host and feed everyone that came through their door.  
Quinn's mom used to make only American food so when she came to Santana she got to taste food from all around the world. It was great for Quinn because she likes all kinds of different food and got to eat without people looking at her to check that she didn't ate too much or worse - tell her that.

"Hola mama" Santana said to get her mother's attention.

The woman turned around and smiled when she saw Quinn "Hola, mi amor" She planted a kiss on her daughter's head "And Quinn, it's so good to see you! We missed you!" She kissed the girl's cheek and hugged her tightly.

Victoria Lopez was the kind of mother everyone wishes for; she's a mama bear, she won't let anyone ever hurt her children and protect them no matter what. She's funny and accepts anyone as long as they're good to her and her family but she knows to set boundaries and discipline her children. Quinn's mother thinks she isn't fit to be a mother because she's not strict, gives too much space to her kids and didn't raised them as Christians. Victoria and her husband, Mario, are atheists and they gave their children the right to choose their own religion or to be like them. Quinn loved Santana's parents, they were exactly the opposite of her own; they were open minded, welcoming, loving and caring. Their children were the world to them and they always support them, it made Quinn jealous. Quinn's parents thought that Santana's parents needed to go back to where they came from and that people like them ruined the country.

"It's good to see you too, Victoria" Santana's mom forbade anyone to call her Mrs. Lopez; she said that Mrs. Lopez is her mother in law and besides, she was too young to be called like that.

"Sit down, the food is almost ready" She said while she got back to check if the food was hot enough.

"Aren't the little worms eating?" Santana asked while she got them something to drink.

"Oh they already ate; I told them to wait for you, but they were too hungry"

"I won't be surprised if they'll come for a second round" Santana sat at the table "Drink" She put down a glass of coke in front of Quinn.

"Thanks" Quinn mumbled, she didn't want to ruin the conversation between mother and daughter.

After a few minutes Victoria came with the food and the three of them started to eat. Quinn was really happy that it was Poc Chuc, a pork fillet cooked with tomatoes, onions and spices, it was tasty and not too spicy for her palate.

"You're lucky, Quinn, it's one of your favorites and won't burn your tongue" Victoria said and they all laughed. When the girls started to hang out together, Quinn used to burn her tongue every time she ate at the Lopez house and even now she wasn't used to spicy food. The whole family used to make fun of her all the time because after all those years she still couldn't handle it.

"I am, thank you!"

"So how's school?"

"Pretty good"

"She's being modest, she's doing great!" Santana interfered and nudged Quinn's side.

"Oh shut up.." Quinn blushed.

Victoria laughed at the girls. She was happy that Santana had such a good friend as Quinn and that they were still so close after all those years. She knew how hard Quinn's life was; Santana always ranted to her about the girl's family and she met the Fabray's on several occasions, not the nicest people she ever met.  
She saw the girls' friendship build over the years to the point where no words are needed for them to understand what the other thinks. She even saw some staring, when the girls thought the other wasn't looking. She wondered if there is a possibility of something more to happen between them.

"Do you have any plans for tonight?"

"Puck is throwing a party, as usual" Santana said with food in her mouth.

"Santana, don't speak while you're eating!" Victoria smacked her daughter arm "is there some cute guys taking you or you're all going together?" She tried to sound casual, but the truth was that she was really curious to know if her instincts were true. Victoria knew that her daughter was seeing people; Santana thought she was good at hiding it, but she failed horribly. As a mother she was concerned about her child's actions and planned to talk to Santana, but she thought that she might not have to if things have gone the way she hoped for. Yes, she was biased, but who can blame her; Quinn practically grew up in their home, Victoria knew that she's a wonderful person and that they'll be perfect for each other. In spite of her great will, she didn't know if either girl were into girls. She only had to hope.

"I'm meeting Puck there, but Quinnie has a date"

"Who's the boy?"

"A jock with huge lips..." Santana muttered.

Quinn glared at Santana; it was nerve racking enough for her to be in that situation and talk about her date without Santana being a bitch. She gathered the strength that she had left in an effort to end the discussion quickly.

"Actually, he's a really nice guy. He's on her football team, but he's smart and cute" Quinn rushed with one breath. She wasn't a good liar, but lately she got better.

"As long as he treats you well" Victoria smiled.

"Well, it was good to be here and Victoria, thank you for lunch" Quinn got up, surprising the other two, "But I really should get going" She took her plate and put it in the sink.

"You need your dress..." Santana got up, but Quinn told her she'll get it by herself and that she doesn't want to interrupt her.  
The blond rushed out of the house, throwing a quick goodbye and another thank you on her way.

* * *

The first thing Quinn did when she got home was to get into her bathroom and sat on the floor. The conversation with Santana caused so many emotions to strike her hard and the lunch, seeing such a good relationship between mother and daughter made her heart ached and her lies were piling up. Quinn didn't understand why every time Santana touched her it stimulated every system in her body, why her words encouraged her immediately and why she felt a burning desire to kiss her.

_"No.. No.. No.."_ Quinn shook her head to the side and then hugged herself tightly.

She just wanted it to stop, to go away. She did everything right; prayed, asked Sam to be her date, pushed her thoughts and even punished herself so why had nothing changed?! Tears were streaming down her face and she started to shake. She didn't know what else she could have done to make it stop; she didn't want to admit that she was head over heels for her best friend and that it meant that she's a.. She couldn't even say the word in her mind, but her feeling was getting the best of her.  
Her eyes were close and the image of Santana popped up; she imagined her getting closer, caressing her hands and slowly attaching their lips. Quinn wanted to scream, to hit something.

_"Why me?! I don't want it!"_ Quinn sobbed into her pants so no one could hear.

Quinn felt a heavy pressure on her chest, her stomach burned and her limbs felt weak. She wanted to cut the pain away, but in that moment it was too much and she was scared that she would cut too deep and it'll get her in even bigger trouble.  
The storm in her head made her feel sick; she moved closer to the toilet and forced herself to throw up. She didn't have to push a finger or anything; all her emotions created such a pain inside that it's all just came out.  
Quinn rested her head on her elbows and took a couple deep breaths before she got up. Letting everything out helped and she felt more relaxed. She took a few steps towards the sink; Quinn brushed her teeth and washed her face.

It felt pretty good.

She felt like she cleaned her soul a little.

* * *

It was nearly time for Sam to come and pick Quinn up; she was dressed and had to just fix up her make up. She was nervous and a little shaken and to top it all, her mother passed by her room and made a comment about the way she looked.  
Quinn took a deep breath when she heard the bell ring, it was time to put on her best act. She needed that night to be a success ; if everyone would think she dated the handsome football player her reputation will rise and it would take her mind off of her stupid crush.

Determined to make it work, Quinn walked downstairs for the most important part of her plan- making her parents believe she had feelings for Sam.

"Hey..." Quinn said when she got to the front door.

Her father and Sam stopped their conversation and turned their head, "Oh hey, Quinn" Sam took a step forward, "You look beautiful".

"Thank you. You look good as well"

"Quinn" Her father started and both teenagers looked at him "I had a little talk with Sam and he seems like a fine young man. I hope you'll have a good time tonight and remember to be home by eleven thirty" He emphasizes the last part.

Quinn relaxed to hear that her father approved Sam; it meant that her mother would have to go along with it. She hoped it'd give her some time and space to breath and get over her problem.

Sam and Quinn left her home and drove to Puck's place. The drive wasn't awkward as Quinn thought it would be; Sam turned out to be really nice and they had a lot to talk about. Quinn learned that he liked to read thriller books and watch classic movies. It surprised her that he actually made her laugh and that she felt pretty comfortable with him.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Sam asked when they went inside the house.

"That would be nice, thanks" Quinn smiled at him.

She was alone, looking at everyone having fun, drinking and dancing. Quinn didn't felt like she fitted with them, like something wasn't right. It was frustrating to have, what seemed like, the perfect life and feel like you don't belong.

Quinn shook her head to force the thoughts to leave her mind; she came to that party to have fun and prove that she can and will change.

Right in the middle of her inner pep talk, Sam came back with two plastic cups.

"Here you go" He handed over the drink.

"Thanks" When the drink was in her hands, Quinn took a big sip; she usually didn't drink, but she thought one drink can't do any harm.

"So...What do you think about the last episode of Game of thrones?"

"I think the 9th episode was the best; I've read the books so I knew what was going to happen, but they did a good job. I think the last one was a little disappointing. What do you think?"

"I agree with you about the red wedding, but I think things needed to be more relaxed at the season finale"

They kept talking about other shows they were watching and Quinn was impressed that Sam knew what he was talking about, usually the guys always nod and try to get into her pants. Sam made her laugh; he listened to her and spoke his mind. It was refreshing for her to have someone with similar interests and he wasn't judging her so she let herself open up a bit and enjoy it.

When Quinn saw her on the other side of the room she became silent. Santana walked in wearing a red dress with a generous cleavage, the sight made Quinn swallow a big lump in her throat. Quinn's eyes were fixed to every move Santana made and her eyes roamed all over her body; she started with the black high heels and to her tanned legs, then she took her time on the Latina firm ass that was held perfectly with the dress. Quinn's eyes kept their journey up to Santana's breasts, the perfection of them made her lick her lips. Afterwards, she got to her luscious red lips, her cute nose and her dark brown eyes.  
The other girl moved so elegantly around the room, smiling her signature smile. It felt like hours passed by, but it was only a few seconds.

"Are you ok?" Sam asked, oblivious to Quinn's desire to rip off Santana's dress and do to her some very unholy things.

"Yeah, of course" She smiled her best fake smile, but on the inside she was very close to losing it.

Sam was about to continue whatever he talked about, when Santana decided it was the perfect time to come and say hello.

"Q!" Her smile lit the whole room. She hugged Quinn tightly and the girl couldn't control the urge to sniff her intoxicating smell.

"Trouty mouth" Santana nodded toward Sam. The boy smiled awkwardly at her; he was a little afraid of her so he tried to minimize the interaction between them, as though he knew she's Quinn's best friend and it'll be hard in the future.

In the meantime, Quinn did the best she could to fix her gaze to her best friend's eyes and it was a hard thing to do when she could just flickered them a bit lower and get a good look at Santana's best asset. In seconds Quinn found herself in an inner battle; she wanted to grab Santana, take her to an empty room and do stuff to her, but on the other hand she was disgusted by those dirty thoughts. Things were going pretty well with Sam, so why couldn't she stop fantasizing about Santana?! It was getting harder to breath, she needed to get away from her.

"So what do you think about my look? Hot, right?"

"Totally" Quinn looked everywhere, but at her.

"Come with me to grab a drink?"

"Ahm.. We were just on our way to dance. Later?" Her heart pounded like crazy, she needed space.

Quinn saw a glimpse of disappointment in Santana's eyes, but it quickly disappeared "Sure, have fun"

Quinn drank the rest of her drink and grabbed Sam towards the dance area; she put her hands on his shoulder and moved with the music. Sam laid his hands on her waist, he wasn't a great dancer but he tried his best. He liked Quinn, even more after their little talk and he wanted her to have fun.

The music was great and Quinn let her body loosen up, she cleared her mind and focused on the beat. The place was full of people and you could've gotten drunk and even high just by being there. Quinn's state of mind, recent events and the situation got her to not think straight; she cupped Sam's face and connected their lips. His face was rough, his lips were huge and his touch made her want to be on the other side of the room. She hated the kiss, but forced herself because it was the right thing.

Sam didn't really know what to do, he was totally inexperienced, which made Quinn think that he only needed practice and it'll get better.

She ended the kiss and turned so her back was on his front, she couldn't let him see her face. When she turned she saw Santana and Brittany dancing close to each other, giggling and their hands were all over. Something in her stomach didn't felt good, she didn't know what it meant but she hated that feeling.

Right when she thought it can't get any worse, Puck came and pressed himself on Santana's back. It looked like she enjoyed it and why wouldn't she, he was her boyfriend.

The three of them danced in a very provocative way, passing a joint back and forward. The last straw was when Quinn saw Santana capturing Brittany's lips with her own and Puck cheering for them. Tears formed in her eyes and it felt like her heart just broke into a million pieces. When Santana turned to kiss Puck, Quinn dragged Sam out of the house.

"Whoa, what's up?" Sam asked concerned.

"I... I.. I felt like I couldn't breathe in there, too much smoke" Quinn clenched her jaw in an attempt to not cry. It was like a car of emotions crushed on her, it was overwhelming and every part of her body hurt. "You think you can take me home? I don't feel so good"

"Sure, whatever you need" He hugged her and lead her to the car.

The drive was short and silent; when they got to Quinn's house Sam took her to her front door and made sure she was safe. Quinn was thankful that he was so sweet and felt bad to play him like that. They said a quick goodbye and she went inside.

"Quinn is that you?" Her father asked when she got to the second floor.

"Yes daddy" She prayed he won't come out and start to investigate her.

"Did you have fun?"

"I did, daddy"

"Good. Go to sleep now"

"I will" She rushed to her room and locked the door.

Inside, Quinn stood and gasped for air. Everything she saw, everything she felt was like a weight that weighs a ton on her chest and she had no clue of what to do. She tried to let the tears she held go, but she wasn't able to cry for some reason. Her heart beat so fast it scared her so she held her chest and tried to take deep breaths. It didn't help; her body was shaken, her heart hurt, her mouth was dry and all she wanted was to cease to exist. Why was god putting her through it? Quinn wanted to scream to the sky, to God and beg him to stop torturing her.

She had fun with Sam, he was kind and funny but that's it. She didn't feel anything.. Not remotely close to what she felt just thinking about Santana. Why did she have to feel that way?! Quinn wanted to hit the wall with her head until sunrise, it was so frustrating! To see Santana with Brittany and Puck made her want to vomit; what the hell they were doing?! Quinn knew Santana used to smoke weed sometimes, it was part of why she hated Puck, and he was a bad influence on her. It was repulsive to see the three of them dancing so close, touching and.. Quinn shook her head to try and delete those memories, but failed. The image flickered in her mind; Santana's hands on Brittany's hair, how she bit her lower lips right before she took Brittany's lips with her own and their tongues caressed with one another. She was used to Puck kissing Santana, it was still disgusting, but seeing her with Brittany burned the inside of her body. She didn't know why it affected her so much or wasn't willing to admit it, but she wanted it to stop hurting so badly.

Quinn went to take a shower, the hot water burned her skin but she didn't care. With every passing second in the shower, Quinn added another punishment to her list; she figured she needed to be persistent for it to work and her body craved to release some of the crazy pain she held deep inside.

She stepped out with only her robe and the blade in her hand. The plan was to take it out on her body and let the physical pain overcome the chaos inside and teach her body that it isn't right to feel the way she felt. After the mess, the feelings would go away [more like she'd forced them to the back of her mind and won't let them appear] and after some time she'll be cured.

Quinn sat on her bed, water dripping from her hair as she convinced herself that it's the only way and she deserved much more.

Right when she gained enough strength, her phone buzzed and she couldn't ignore it, not without checking who it was. The name on the screen gave her chills; it was the worst timing and the last person she wanted to talk to. But Quinn couldn't ignore it for long, the sound of the buzz interrupted the state she tried to get herself into in order to get the punishment done. So she answered it.

"Yeah?"

"Oh thank god, Q! Where the hell are you?"

"Stop cursing. What do you want?" Quinn couldn't control the coldness in her voice.

"We've been looking all over you..." She giggled, "I mean, all over _for_ you" It was clear that the person on the line was far from sober and Quinn wasn't in the mood for a silly drank calls they always made to her.

"What for?"

"What? Oh I think I forgot..."

"Ok, bye"

"No! Wait, I remembered" She giggled again.

"Can you get to the point already?" Quinn was irritated; she forgot that they're best friends and all she wanted to do was to punch the girl in the face.

"You need to take.. Take.. Santa" Brittany tried to control her laughter, "Not Santa, it's not Christmas.. I wanted to say Santana"

"Why? Is she ok?" concern filled her voice; Santana usually stayed at Puck's after parties or went home with Brittany. She was afraid something happened to her.

"She's.."

_"Who are you talking to? Is that Q?" _Quinn heard Santana's drunk voice, at least she was alive _"Gimme to talk to her" "I'm talking now, you wait!"_

"Brittany!"

"Sorry! Can you take her home?"

"Excuse me?!"

"Well, I'm going to James's and Puck is nowhere to be found so..."

The anger built up inside of her; why her? Why Brittany acted like a loser friend and was willing to leave Santana for a guy?

"Britt, I'm home. Can't you just give her a ride home?"

"You'll give her a ride home? That's great, thanks Q!"

Quinn wanted to protest, but it was too late, Brittany hung up.

What was she supposed to do? She couldn't let Santana stay there in her state, but she was wrecked and Santana was the last person she wanted to see. Well, Brittany was that person, but she hoped she wouldn't be there by the time she'd get there.

She dressed as fast as humanly possible; the thought of some creep taking advantage of Santana scared her to death and she wanted to get her away from there fast.

After she put on some T shirt, pants and slippers, Quinn made her way out in complete silence. She knew if anyone heard her it'll be the end of her life; they would ground her for a long time and forbid her to ever talk to Santana. She couldn't let it happen.

She was lucky that no one woke up and when she was out, she got in her car and drove fast.

All the way back to the party, Quinn's mind came up with the worst possible scenarios; someone did something to Santana, someone took her from there, maybe more than one.. Her hands were sweaty and her pulse was fast, all she wanted to do was to find the girl and made sure she was safe.

Quinn didn't bother to park normally, she got out and walked as fast as she could. Entering the party, she pushed everyone aside. The smoke and smell almost made her puke, but she was on a mission- to find her girl. No, no, to find her best friend!  
Quinn yelled Santana's name and with every second that past she got more worried. She had to find her, but the place was big and full of people.

After what seemed like forever, Quinn spotted Santana leaning on a wall with a drink in her hand. The girl looked horrible; her make up was smudged, her hair was messy, her eyes were red and it looked like she cried.

Quinn rushed over and held her face "Santana, look at me! Are you ok, did someone hurt you?!" She hated herself for not being fast enough.

"Q, you're here!" The girl hugged her tightly.

"Of course I'm here" Quinn relaxed to the embrace "Where is Brittany?"

"Left" Santana leaned back on the wall.

"She left you here like that?!" Quinn wanted to slap Brittany so hard. _"What was she thinking leaving her alone?! I can't believe her!"_

"You think I'm ugly?" Santana frowned, her lips curled and her eyes were glassy.

Quinn raised her eyebrow and looked puzzled, "Why are you saying that?"

"You said that Britt left me here 'like that'..." Santana sniffed, "So you think I'm ugly..."

Quinn knew that Santana gets emotional when she's drunk and every word can break her into a sobbing baby. She looked at her messy friend and forget all about her own anger, all she saw was her gorgeous friend in need. They had to go home ASAP.

"No, honey, of course not!" Quinn took Santana in her arms, "You know that I think you're the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world"

"You do?" Santana looked up at her with the cutest expression.

"I do" She smiled at her and got a tiny smile back.

"Can we go now? I feel sleepy"

Quinn helped Santana to get to her car, buckled her seatbelt and drove to her place. Even though it was better to take Santana to her home, Quinn thought it'd be easier for Santana to sneak out than for her. Quinn's parents get up early and it was better for her to be home and deal with what to do with Santana, than worried to get there on time.

"Santana, listen to me, you need to be very quiet now"

"Where are we, Quinnie?" Santana started to undress herself, she was too high and drunk.

"We're at my place" Quinn held Santana's hands in place "Stop doing that and listen; you need to be quiet because if anyone hears us we'll be in a lot of trouble"

"But I'm not comfortable and I'm hungry, let's go eat!"

"I'll give you something when will get inside, please do this for me San"

"I'll do anything for you, Quinnie" She smiled and got up.

Quinn opened the front door and slowly closed it when they got it. Santana moved with her hand on her mouth, it was difficult for her not to laugh, but she did her best. Quinn held her waist and helped her to her room. It took them a couple of minutes, but they got there without waking everyone in the house.

"Great, now I'll give you something to wear and you can change while I'll get something for you to eat"

"You're the best, Quinnie" Santana dropped on the bed and looked at the ceiling like it was the sky.

Quinn left the room to get a snack for Santana. She tried to keep calm and just be there for her friend, it wasn't the time to deal with her own problems. Since she started to develop feelings for the Latina, Quinn made up excuses for why she can't have or be at sleepovers, but now she had to find a way to not freak out and share a bed with the person that drive her body and soul crazy.

"Yay, chips!" Santana jumped off the bed and grabbed the bag.

"Why haven't you changed?"

"Too hungry"

Quinn had many questions for her friend about Puck, Brittany and why she got so high and drunk, but it had to wait for a better time. Quinn had to be the responsible one and take care of her, even if it meant putting aside her craving to ravish the girl for being so sexy or hit her for being stupid.

After Santana finished her chips and Quinn got a little more confident, they both went to wash Santana's make up off. Santana leaned on the sink, while Quinn carefully cleaned her face. Santana relaxed with Quinn's soft hands on her skin, the blond fingers felt like angels. Quinn on the other hand, wished it would end. It was too intimate for her and Santana felt amazing.  
When they were done Quinn told Santana to change and that she'd wait for her in the room.

"I can't do it by myself, Quinnie. You saw me naked, you can help me"

_"Now it's official, God hates me! How am I suppose to survive seeing her naked and sleep next to her the whole night?! No, god, I'm begging you, I can't do this. It's too much"_

"San.. You're a big girl, I'm sure you can do this by yourself"

Santana pouted and tears streamed down her face.

"Hey! No, no! Why are you crying?!" Quinn rushed to her side.

"You think I'm ugly! You lied to me!"

"I never lied to you, I think you're stunning!" Quinn cupped her face and looked directly in the other girl's eyes, "Don't ever think otherwise"

Quinn could feel Santana's breath on her face, she smelled the intoxication mixed with her perform and all her body wanted was to close the gap and feel her lips.

"You should change now" Quinn whispered, not trusting her voice.

Quinn just helped Santana with the zipper and went back to the bathroom until the girl finished.

When she came back, the sight of Santana in a simple shirt and short shorts made her smile. She thought how cute and pretty the girl looked in just PJ's. In her PJ's.

"Ready for bed?"

"Yes! I missed our sleeping parties" Santana gave her a smile that was quickly returned

Both girls got under the covers, on the opposite sides of the bed. Quinn felt she was quickly drafted to dreamland, but Santana's groans woke her.

"San?" She was scared to turn around; it was hard enough to be so close to her like that and eye contact probably would've made it worse.

"Can't sleep"

"Just close your eyes and calm down"

"Can you spoon me?"

_"Really, God?! Wasn't this whole day enough, now this?! Are you trying to kill me? I can't take it!"_

"Please, Q, I'm scared..."

"You have nothing to be scared about, just close your eyes and stop thinking"

When Quinn heard sobs she sighed and went to the other side of the bed. Quinn's hands wrapped around the Latina's body and her chin rest on her shoulder.

Quinn's heart was about to burst out, it felt like she took some drug. The feeling of Santana's body pressed against hers was the best feeling she ever felt. She wanted that night to never end, but also to be over. Her mind and body was on fire and she wasn't sure who she should listen to.

"Thank Q, you always make me feel safe. You're the best, I love you" Santana nuzzled more into Quinn and put her hand on her.

_"Just great"_

"Me too..." She said weakly.

Santana's soft snoring came fast and caused Quinn to smile. She knew she wouldn't get any sleep that night; her emotions were all over the place.

For a moment she let herself go; being in that position made her feel good, secured and happy.

* * *

That's it! Next chapter is the aftermath and much more. Get ready!

Tell me what you think and what do you want to see happen in the future. Do you think Santana's mother is right? Or maybe Santana is into Brittany? How do you think Quinn is going to handle a sleeping in the same bed with Santana?

'till next time!


	5. The aftermath

**You think the last chapter was eventful? Things are about to get very…emotional.**

A big thank you to Rachelle, my great bate. Go check her Tumblr **(shesjustagirlxo)**.

**I also want to say how much I appreciate the alerts, favorites and every single review.**

**Reviews:**

_Catlover10808-_ Is Brittany really mean? You never know what's going on in this girl's mind. Thank you for the review and I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story.

_LaurenKnight13_ - it would be so easy if everything was out in the open. _Maybe_ they'll get some peace in the future.

_Guest- _Quinn's mom wants to see her getting married to a guy, maybe to Sam. Maybe she's right? :O Remember that love can be one sided..

_Jammy-_ You can't be more right; **self harm is never the answer!** I know how destructive it can be and the momentary relief isn't worth it at all! Quinn is going through a lot of things I've dealt with and as the story progresses she'll grow.  
Thank you for writing this review!

_Silent21reader- _Sooner or later…or not at all. Thank you :D

_MusicIsMyLife2K13-_ Thank you!

_me2pointO_- Thank you. :) I guess it's a good thing because it touches you? *awkward smile* XD

* * *

Quinn sat at her window, she didn't know what the time was or how long she had been awake and she didn't care too much. She had woken up when she was unable to turn over. Slowly opening her eyes she realized that half of Santana's body was on top of her. At first she thought it was an amazing dream and wished that it would never end, but the smell was too strong and the feelings were too real for it to be a dream. Quinn panicked; there she was, cuddling with the girl that was supposed to be her best friend, but really was the reason her heart couldn't beat normally anymore.

Santana's left arm and leg were around her, keeping her trapped in the same spot. The girl's head was on her shoulder, resting peacefully and making it a bit numb. Quinn couldn't resist and removed Santana's hair from her face. She gulped when she saw how adorable and relaxed the Latina was.

She was even more amazed at how right it felt for them to be together like this.

She was in bed with the person her body and soul craved for. It was only the two of them and it was that simple. If time would've just stopped and she would've stayed in her arms forever; no other people who could judge her, no distractions, no fear. She wasn't sure if it would make it alright or if she even cared.

The darkness that surrounded them gave her some courage; Quinn moved her free arm and gently caressed Santana's arm that was on top of her. That soft and almost unnoticeable touch sent electricity through the blonds' body.

Her bubble burst when she heard a thump outside of her house. Suddenly everything came back to her; how wrong it was to be so close to Santana, her crazy attraction to her, the fact that her friend was sleeping and she basically took advantage of her. She just forced _her sin_ on another, on her innocent friend [well, not exactly innocent, but in that case she was].  
Panic washed her body as she did her best to get out of the bed without waking the other girl. After a few minutes she successfully managed to untangle herself and got out.

Quinn looked at Santana peacefully sleeping on her bed; she had no clue what she had done to her or how she felt. Quinn ran to her bathroom, kneeled in front of the toilet and threw up in revulsion over her actions. The feeling of shame, disgust, guilt, and horror were too much for her body to handle and she had to let it out. She hated herself for letting the _sin_ control her; she was impulsive, giving in to her urges instead of restraining her actions.

After cleaning herself up, Quinn went to sit by her window so she could get some much needed air.

Thoughts full of anxiety screamed in her head, but Quinn was determined to lock them away with the others. She didn't have enough emotional strength to dive into her mixed up soul. It was obvious she would rewind that moment hundreds of times later, but not now.

Quinn stared blankly at the sky while the moon gave way for the sun to shine, the clouds replaced the stars and the birds chirped their songs. The world kept spinning and time kept passing, not caring what had happened the previous night or what the morning will bring.

Quinn hadn't thought about what she was going to do when Santana woke up, but she knew she had to wake her at some point. Her parents couldn't know what happened or that she was there. For the blond it was a good thing that Santana had to leave, it meant she wouldn't need to deal with her.

"Q?" Santana mumbled, surprising Quinn and almost causing her to fall of the window sill.

"I'm here" Quinn looked at her with a warm smile, but she wasn't able to get closer to her.

With her eyes still closed Santana asked, "What time is it? Why aren't you in bed?"

_'Oh my, she looks so cute right now! I just want to wrap her in my arms an...'_ Quinn shook her head, not wanting to continue that line of thought.

"It's early; you should get some more sleep. I'll wake up when you need to go" The blond said and returned to her thoughts. All of a sudden Quinn heard quiet sobs, immediately she jumped and got back into her bed. "Santana? What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"I... I... Don't want... Alone" The Latina tried to speak, but chocked because of her crying.

"Shh, calm down. I'm here, everything is fine." Quinn traced circles on Santana's back with one hand and caressed her forearm with the other. The brunette was still intoxicated and it was well known that when she's like this, it makes her highly emotional and sensitive. She can either let it out or sleep it off. Quinn wasn't about to let her suffer from something she obviously suppressed, it hurt her too much.

After a few minutes the girl had calmed down, she actually started to doze of in Quinn's embrace. Quinn felt awkward; the proximity clouded her judgment and she wanted to give in to her body's desires to be as close as possible to the Latina. Even with what happened earlier, Santana seemed comfortable and Quinn couldn't force herself to disturb her.

For the next hour, Quinn sat there with Santana in her lap; her hands moving in relaxing patterns. She kept taking deep breaths, savoring Santana's scent in her mind; this action was a compromise. She couldn't just stay there without doing anything and she didn't hurt the other girl by doing so.

"Tana?" Quinn whispered in the other girl's ear, "It's time to wake up"

Santana let out noises of protest while she snuggled further into Quinn's arms.

"I know you're tired, but we'll get in trouble if you stay any longer" Quinn brushed Santana's hair from her face "Please, Tana"

Quinn watched as a frown spread over Santana's face and she slightly opened her eyes, "I hate your parents so much right now" she grumbled.

Quinn chuckled and helped her get up, immediately missing her warm touch.

Santana quickly got ready and fixed her appearance as much as she could, considering the circumstances.

"Thank you so much for being the best human being in the world!" Santana gave Quinn a bone crushing hug.

'No need to get carried away." Quinn laughed, but on the inside she did a little dance of joy.

"I'm serious, Q." Santana looked deep into her eyes, "You always save me, you're the best". It was rare for the brunette to share how she felt so that moment that was special. Quinn saw pure honesty in those hypnotic brown eyes; it actually made her heart skip a beat.

"It's what friends do." The words burned her throat, but she had to say them out loud. She could've sworn that she saw a glimpse of something unfamiliar in those brown eyes, but she wasn't sure what it was.

"I should go now, but we'll talk later." She said as she moved to the window. Santana was an expert at climbing in and out of windows; facing Quinn's parents wasn't the most fun experience so in order to avoid it, Santana adopted a habit of getting in through the window.

Quinn's room felt empty as she was left standing by herself next to her bed. She had plenty to think about and process, but she decided to get some sleep beforehand.

* * *

Incoming: _"Hey Quinn, I just wanted to check how your feeling. I guess you're still sleeping. Well, I hope you're good. Call me later, if you feel like hanging out or something."_

Incoming: _"I had a great time last night, by the way. Just wanted you to know that..."_

Quinn was still in bed, but had been awake for at least half an hour. She didn't want to go downstairs and talk to anyone, instead she unlocked her phone. She felt bad after she read what Sam had sent her. She had enjoyed the time they had spent together, but not in the way he did. Sam was a good guy and from what she saw last night, he was pretty cool; Quinn didn't want to play with him, but she needed him. She had no other choice.

Sent: _"Hey :D I'm totally fine, thank you! Want me to come over?"_

Incoming: _"Glad to know. Of course, we can watch a movie. Tell me when you're on your way so I'll get the popcorn ready."_

Sent: _"Cool. See you soon."_

Quinn believed that if she tried hard enough she could develop feelings for the boy. Besides, she needed to change her surroundings for a little while and Sam was good company.

I didn't take her long to get ready and she was on her way. She was surprised that her father was happy to let her go, it probably had to do with the fact that she mentioned Sam's name; it was perfect for her that her father liked him.

* * *

Both teenagers were on the couch in the living room. They talked a little when Quinn got there; it was light and fun, just what she was looking for.

After Sam got them drinks and the popcorn they set down to watch the movie. There was an argument about what film to watch. In the end they came to a decision to watch "The breakfast club" and the next time it would be Sam's choice.

They sat close to one another, but didn't touch. Generally, when she spent time with guys, they always tried to make her do things she wasn't ready or comfortable doing. Everyone saw her as the hot head cheerleader that doesn't give in to anyone; getting in her pants was a challenge and being the first one to do it was a reward. Quinn was at the head of the social ladder in school, she knew that people saw her as a prude snob that thought she was better than the rest. It was safe for her to be seen like that, those walls protected her from someone discovering her deepest secret and ruining her with it.

"Quinn, is everything alright?" Sam sounded a little concerned.

"What? Yeah, sorry.."

Sam paused the movie and turned to face Quinn, "I know we're just getting to know each other, but you can talk to me"

Quinn got nervous; did Sam knew something? Maybe he saw her ogle Santana's body at the party and figured she got upset over the kiss and put two and two together. Quinn was sure that it was the end of her; Sam was going to tell everyone, her family would kick her out, she would lose her best friend..

"What? Why do you think I need to talk about something?" She tried to control her breathing, but it was hard; it felt like here lungs were shutting down.

"You seemed deep in thought and I don't think it's over the movie. Don't worry, you don't have to tell me anything, just know I'm here for you" He offered a warm smile.

He was genuine and it was the first time Quinn felt comfortable with a person of the other gender. "Thank you"

Sam pressed play and leaned back on the coach. Quinn didn't know what was it about him that made her feel secure, but it was comforting and she needed it. As she leaned to rest her head on his shoulder, she wondered how is it possible to feel so at ease with someone you barely know. She thought it was like back when she didn't have feelings for Santana. Maybe she wasn't gaining a relationship with the boy, but she could use a good friend.

After the movie ended, Quinn excused herself to use the bathroom. She was washing her hands when she got a text.

Incoming: _"Get your lazy ass out of bed, I'll be there in five"._

Sent: _"can't. I'm at Sam's"_ Quinn's heart beat faster, she was nervous just to talk to her. It was that and she also knew that the other girl wouldn't be pleased to hear that.

Incoming: _"Oh"_ Quinn raised her eyebrows when she read what Santana texted, it wasn't typical and that what scared her.

She tried to come up with something to reply when she got another text; _"Don't do anything I wouldn't ;)"_.

Sent: _"That doesn't leave me much". _Where the courage came from, Quinn had no idea.

Incoming: _"Are you telling me you WANT to do something with him?"._

Sent: _"No! Why do you even care?"_

It started to feel like something more went on. Quinn stared at her phone; she wasn't sure what she expected the Latina to write.

Incoming: _"As your best friend, I think I should be informed! Besides, I thought you wanted to wait.."_

_"You can do much better, he's not worth it"._

Quinn snorted at how ridiculous she was; how could she even entertained her mind with the thought that maybe, just maybe Santana was jealous. She hated that she was attracted to her best friend, but the idea that Santana may retaliate the feelings made her heart skip a beat.

Sent: _"I'm not going to do anything with him. Regardless, he's cool and we have a great time together so stop talking like that. I'll talk to you later"._

Quinn put her phone back in her pocket and returned to the living room.

"Sorry I kept you waiting, I had a call" She sat next to him.

"It's ok. So tell me something about yourself?" Sam drank from his glass.

"There isn't much to tell; I'm on the cheerleading squad, I like to read.. Nothing special" Quinn felt like a bore, "How about you?"

"Well, except of being on the football team, I'm also in glee club" Sam looked at her like he was expecting her to insult him and leave. He saw something else in her, but he wasn't sure she'd let it show. He used to look at her from time to time and was sure there was much more to her than just the head cheerleader. Sam took the risk and asked her out, he knew it could've ended up badly [maybe she would slap him or mock him..], but now he knew it was worth it. He got glimpses of the true Quinn, but he really liked that version of her.

"Glee? With that annoying dwarf?"

"Rachel.."

"Hmm.. So you sing?"

"Yeah..."

"Just when I thought you couldn't get geekier" Quinn laughed.

"Hey! I'm a football player as well!" The boy tried to justify himself.

Quinn had a hard time controlling her laughter "Yeah, and after practice you go and sing musicals in the shower".

"Watch it! I know stuff about you" San narrowed his eye and smirked.

"Are you threatening me, Evans?" Quinn copied his expression, "I can ruin you".

They stared at each other for a couple of seconds and burst into laughter.

"You're fine, Evans"

"You're not bad yourself, Fabrey" He failed to imitate her tone.

"Would you like to meet them?" Sam asked after a minute of silence.

"Sorry?"

"They're cool people; I think you can get along"

"Me and man hands?" Quinn raised her eyebrows; she couldn't see how she and the singing nerds can be friends.. It could destroyed her reputation.

Sam must've seen the panic on her face and quickly dismissed his suggestion.

"I'm sorry, Sam; I just don't think it's a good idea" Quinn felt bad; Sam was nice to her and she only cared about what people would say.

"Don't worry about it. Want ice cream?" Sam stood on his feet and stretched his hand for her to take.

Quinn spent another hour at Sam's house; they talked about their dream careers, music and places they wanted to visit. Sam was surprised that he got to see the deeper part of Quinn's personality, the part that most people didn't get to know. He wasn't sure if something romantic could grow between them, but he did enjoy Quinn's company. Even if it had been just as friends.

Quinn had fun, as well; finally she got a break from her family and the crises she got herself into. Sam turned out to be an interesting and thoughtful guy; her opinion of him changed completely. She'd never had a male friend before and Sam seemed to be perfect for the role.

* * *

Quinn was ecstatic that she finally had time to read. She lay on her stomach with her legs crossed in the air, dressed in a big T shirt and shorts. Thankfully, she hadn't experienced any panic attacks over everything that had gone on recently. Her head was clear as she immersed herself in the imaginary world of the book.

She was so focused on what was happening in the book that she hadn't noticed someone was at her window. The knock on her glass startled Quinn, she jumped in her place on the bed and snapped the pages shut.

Quinn really didn't want to open her window and let her in; she was doing fine with ignoring everything and by opening the window she was opening the lock she put on it. Unfortunately, Santana stared at her and kept knocking until she saw Quinn getting up.

Quinn let Santana in, but not without bitterly saying she almost got a heart attack and complaining that she lost the page she was on.

"You deserve it" Santana replied and walked around the room. Quinn was very familiar with the tone and expression on her best friend, it wasn't a good omen.

Quinn's walls came up; she forced whatever she felt for the other girl to the back of her mind and concentrated about her own anger. In her mind, Santana owed her answers about her behavior at the party and definitely had nothing to be angry about.

"Care to tell me the purpose of this visit?" Quinn's hands were folded and her eyes held no emotion.

"I was just wondering why you're ignoring me..." Santana's eyes looked cold as ice; Quinn never got this look from her best friend and she got a little scared, but didn't let it show.

"I was just reading, no need to get obsessed".

"Cut the crap, Q! Something is up with you..." Quinn wanted to say something, but Santana glared at her and kept talking, "Don't tell me it's about your family, I know you well enough to know there is more to it" Santana's features softened and she took a few steps towards Quinn, "I'm your best friend, you can tell me _anything_, just talk to me!".

"You're a big talker" The anger flashed through Quinn's eyes, "But when it comes to you, suddenly the rules don't apply".

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Santana took a big step forwards and raised her eyebrow.

"Don't play dumb, not with me and not when you know _exactly_ what I'm talking about" The blondes' heart pounded like crazy in her chest, but she was determined to get to the truth.

"I have NO idea what you're talking about!" Santana tried not to yell, she wanted to know what was happening to her best friend and if her parents burst in it wouldn't end well for either of them.

"Let me refresh your memory; last night you were smoking pot, dancing with Brittany and Puck. Oh, yeah, you also was making out with both of them. Sound familiar?" She felt sick just with the thought of what she saw.

"I don't remember any of that, but so fucking what?" Quinn looked at her with a dumbfounded look, "I smoke like once a month, and you know I'm fucking Puck.."

"And Brittany?" She cut her off. Quinn felt a pinch in her stomach when she said her friend's name.

Santana averted her eyes and for the first time, she looked nervous.

"Tana?" Panic washed her body, her hands were sweaty and her lips were dry. The silence killed her; she wasn't sure what the story was and she wasn't used to seeing Santana looking.. Scared?

"It's nothing..." The other girl mumbled.

"So why are you looking like you're about to faint?" Quinn didn't have the right to feel cheated, but she couldn't control it.

"If I tell you, can you promise not to freak out?" Her eyes finally met Quinn's.

"When you tell someone not to freak out, they will. Just spill it already" She couldn't take another moment without knowing, the pressure was too high.

Santana took a deep breath, "Me and Britt... We do _stuff_ together sometimes..."

What was she felt in the moment isn't clear; it was a mix of disgust, fear, jealousy, rage, betrayal. Everything just hit her like a train crash. She did the best she could not collapse in front of Santana; she wanted her out of her room. Maybe even out of her life.

The both of them.

"What kind of _stuff_?" You can call it masochism, but Quinn wanted to know the whole truth, even if it'd destroyed her.

"We kiss and sometimes do more." Santana's voice was quiet and she bit her nails. If someone from the outside saw it, they would've thought that Quinn just caught Santana cheating on her, but it was far from the truth. Quinn had no right to feel like that, but it took over her body. Santana knew that she wouldn't take it well because of her religious family and the way she was raised, but she had no idea how bad it really was.

The brunette had wanted to tell her best friend about what she and Brittany were doing for a long time, but she was scared that Quinn wouldn't accept it and stop being friends with her. She never thought it would get out like that; when both of them were emotional. She saw the process Quinn went through; from not knowing anything to understanding what they hid from her for some time.

"Q? Say something" Santana begged when she saw Quinn's glassy eyes.

"Get out". The blonde knew she was on the verge of breaking down and she wanted to be alone.

"Quinn, please, hear me out" Santana reached out to touch her, but the other girl dodged it and extend the space between them.

"The only reason we didn't tell you is because we thought you'd hate us". Santana's voice was broken; "I can't have you hate me. You're my best friend".

"You shouldn't choose to sin then."

"That's not you; my best friend loves her friends no matter what. Fuck your parent's bigot views, I'm the same person."

"You're not. Go"

"Fucking listen to me!" Santana grabbed Quinn's arms and forced her to look at her, "Do I look different to you just because I'm fooling around with Britt?" Quinn tried to release herself, but Santana was stronger than her. The best she could do was to not look at her. "I don't know what I am, but I can't lose you over this. Please, Quinn"

"Let me go and get out of my room." Quinn hissed.

They were close, so close that Quinn felt Santana's breath on her face. The brunette's scent threatened to dull her senses and she could almost feel her lips. It needed to end because Quinn wasn't sure how much self control she had left.

Quinn watched carefully as Santana flicked her eyes to her lips, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Santana let her go and tears started to roll from her eyes.

"You just need time."

"No, you need to be cured."

Before Santana left she said "You're my best friend. I'll talk to you tomorrow".

The moment Quinn was alone in her room she collapsed on the ground; she cried hysterically and pain took over her body. She felt like her heart was shattered on the floor. She didn't think straight so she wasn't sure what she was crying about; was it the fact that her best friends lied to her and engaged in what she perceived as a sin. Or was it the unbearable pain of knowing that the girl she was in love with was _doing stuff_ with someone she trusted, someone who wasn't her. Probably both.

Quinn never thought that one person could make you feel on top of the world in one moment and in a blink of an eye, break you apart. As much as she wanted that stupid crush to pass, Quinn couldn't deny that every time she saw the girl or even thought about her she smiled. Her body automatically reacted to Santana; if it was goose bumps and shivers when they touched or warmth feeling through her body when the other girl giggled or looked at her. It was like they were connected.  
They were best friends for years; they knew each other perfectly, Santana has always been there for her and vice versa.

_*flashback*_

_"Tana?" Quinn entered Santana's bedroom and saw her, face down, on her bed, "Why are you crying?" The thirteen year old girl rushed to her best friend's side._

_Santana mumbled something she couldn't get; so instead of pressuring her, Quinn embraced her and patted her back until she relaxed._

_The young blond girl didn't know what happened to her always cheerful friend, Santana's mother called her and asked her to come because the girl refused to talk to anyone else. It took Quinn five minutes to get there, she didn't care that her parents was yelling at her to get back home because they were in the middle of dinner; all she cared about was making sure Santana was okay._

_Quinn felt that Santana's breath had calmed down and she was no longer tense. She knew that when Santana would feel comfortable to talk she would, so she waited patiently._

_"I'm ok, nothing's wrong" Santana must've felt Quinn's stare because she added "You'd laugh at me"._

_"Santana Lopez! I can't believe you just said that!" Quinn slapped her arm, "I will never do such thing, I'm your best friend"._

_"Sorry." Santana tried to hide her face in Quinn's hug._

_After a few minutes Quinn huffed, "Are you going to tell me or have I got to wait until were twenty?"_

_"Fine!" Santana sat cross legged in front of her, "Remember you promised not to laugh"._

_"Never"._

_Santana bit her nails and hesitantly said, "Everyone hates me", in a quiet voice._

_"Excuse me?" Quinn was shocked to hear that; Santana was a strong girl and she didn't care what others thought of her._

_"Everybody at school think I'm a bitch and they hate me.. I knew I shouldn't have told you" She was about to get up from the bed when Quinn stopped her._

_Quinn took Santana's hands in hers and looked straight in the eyes, "Listen to me carefully; you're the best person I've never met! Those dumbasses don't know you and enjoys talking about you because you're so great" Quinn caressed Santana's thumb with her own, "You've got real friends, something they'd die for"._

_"Quinn.." Santana looked away, but Quinn didn't let her._

_The blond girl ignored the electricity she felt when she touched Santana's face and focused on what she wanted to say, "No, look at me; there are people who are meant to go with the flow and live an average life, but you.. You're born to lead, to take over the world with your talent. Don't let them bring you down, you hear me?"._

_The biggest smile she ever saw appeared on Santana's face, causing her to smile back instantly._

_"You're the best, Q!" Santana hugged her tightly._

_*End of flashback*_

The memory stung; how, back then, things were simple and easy, how they shared everything and been the closes person for one another. Quinn cried so much that she started to pant; her body was desperate to get air into her lungs. It got worse when she understood how long she lived in denial; her feeling for Santana started a long time ago and she always brushed it off. Quinn was still convinced that she could've overcome the struggle God put her through; after all, he wouldn't bring it on her if she wasn't able to handle it.

Quinn brushed the tears from her face and stood up; her face didn't show any emotion. She walked to the bathroom and faced the mirror; her jaw clenched as she saw how broken she looked. Images of the latest events ran in her mind, but she was the master of pushing things away and not dealing with them. When her mind was clean from any thought, she took some tissues and placed them on the counter, next she opened a drawer and took out the blade and then took off her clothes.

Quinn's body screamed for her to cut, to cut so deep she'd lose consciousness or her leg. She wanted the physical pain to take over the emotional storm that she experienced.

The blade slashed the skin on her lower stomach; as the blood dripped, Quinn felt calming waves washing her body from head to toe. She knew she had to stay in some sort of control, or else things could've gone really bad.  
The blade hit her skin _over_ and _over_ and _over_ again. Her skin was red and sore, blood dripped down her body.  
Quinn leaned over the sink and got her breathing back to normal rhythm.

Like a robot, Quinn cleaned the blade, herself and the floor. She got in the shower and turned the hot water on; it was painful when the water hit her fresh wounds, but Quinn didn't care, furthermore the pain gave her peace. It was a temporary peace, but she was willing to take anything at that point.

* * *

It was nearly dinner time and Quinn decided to check her phone; she knew it was probably not such a good idea, but her curiosity was strong.

Incoming: _"I don't want you to think I'm a creep or anything, but I wanted to say I had a good time with you. I hope the queen bee would like to keep hanging out with the singing jock ;)"._

That message made her laugh a little; she still didn't believe that guys like Sam existed.

Sent: _"You're lucky that you're handsome, Evans! I think I can still be seen with you in public...For now! I won't stay on a sinking ship."_

Incoming:_ "I know I said I'll give you time, but I just want to.. I don't even know. I just can't lose you, especially not over something I can't change. I know how your parents are and I get that it's hard on you, but come on! You know that they're crazy. You're better than them.. I can really use my best friend right now. Please, Quinn"._

Incoming:_ "Hey, Q! LT misses you. Want to hang out tomorrow?"_

Quinn didn't want to talk to them and for them to ruin the Zen state she had achieved; she threw the phone onto her bed and went downstairs.

She was right on time. The family was gathered around the dinning table. Her mother served chicken and potatoes and sat next to her.

Quinn kept an apathetic look throughout the whole dinner. Her sister told them about her amazing night with Jack; how he opened the doors for her, brought her flowers and was a complete gentleman. Her mother talked about church and what she planned to bake for the upcoming cake sale. Her father just ate and asked Frannie questions about Jack.

She got asked about Sam and gave one word answers to every question and ate fast so she could go back to her room to be alone.

Her weekend had gone just the opposite of what she had planned, but that only proved to her how much she had to change.

And maybe her parents were right about her friends all along.

She had to make some changes in her life; with the people in it, with what she was doing and her priorities. The only thing she was sure of was that Sam was the only stable thing in her life and she needed [and wanted] him close.

* * *

What do you think about Fabevans? Will he be the first to know about what's going with Quinn? If not, who will it be?

Is Quinn really going to stop talking to her best friends? Would she agree to hear what they [both or just one of them] have to say?

Do you think Brittana are just fooling around with each other or there is more to it?

What would you like to see next? **Write it all in the review.**

'till next time.

**Message from beta:** Hello. I'm sorry if the last two chapters were a little hit and miss on the editing. I'm getting back into the betaring after a long hiatus but I've spent a lengthy period on this chapter and I hope it shows. Thanks. - Rachelle


	6. Clearer picture

Hey!

First I must say I was shocked about Cory's death. So young and talented. May he rest in peace.

My beta's Tumblr: **shesjustagirlxo.**

**A huge thank you for the alerts, favorites and the reviews! :D**

**Reviews:**

_Ryoko05-_ I believe you need to be accepting of yourself and love who you are before you can love another. Quinn needs to take care of herself, the question is who will help her? Thank you for the review.

_wd17190-_ They know each other for years and every friendship has ups and downs. Quinn is not lashing out because she hates Santana, there are much more to it. I get what you mean and if you had told me that a month ago I would totally agree, but now I know how hard is to cut someone you love out of your life.  
Thank you :)

_MTLover-_ Thank you.

_Jammy-_ That's why I started this story; writing is a therapy and if I can get to someone and help in even a tiny way. It's all I ever wanted. Not every coming out experience is easy and coming to terms with who you're can take time.  
Sometimes you need to destroy before you can create something new. Thank you for writing the review! :)

_OnlyForRead-_ Thank you.

_LaurenKnight13-_ Lol I want to write you so many things, but I'm worried it'd big too big of a spoiler ;) Thank you!

* * *

Monday had arrived and Quinn couldn't have been more nervous. She wasn't sure how she should've behaved. She missed her friends, but they were sick; at least she tried to work on it, but they seemed to accept it and she couldn't be around them if that was the case. Furthermore, Quinn was mad at Brittany; she knew she had no right to be, but it was out of her control. Even if she thought that those feelings were wrong, she didn't like that Brittany used Santana and when she needed her, the blonde just left.

Quinn had spent the previous day at church and then she did her homework and caught up with her reading. No matter what she did or how hard she tried, Quinn always found herself thinking about Santana and what she'd told her. She had many unanswered questions that she would never have enough courage to ask; like, is she...? What about Puck? Was she and Brittany a thing?

"Earth to Quinn!" Sam waved his hands in front of her face to get her attention, "Are you even listening to me?"

"Sorry. Now I'm all ears".

"I was trying to ask you something, but I'm pretty sure you won't agree".

"You'll never know if you won't ask. Grow some balls, Evans!" Quinn nagged his shoulder and they both giggled.

"So you know about the game tomorrow."

"I'm the 'cheerios' captain, of course I know about it".

"Co captain" Quinn heard a familiar voice behind her. She had to face her now; lucky for her Sam was there to keep them from talking about what happened. Quinn turned around and saw Santana in her uniform, her usual smirk and high pony, but something in her eyes was different. When they were in public, Santana always had a stare; it was strong and full of confidence. But when Quinn locked eyes with her all she saw was the complete opposite; the other girl tried hard to cover it up and most likely everyone bought it, except for the blond, she saw right through it. When Santana flicked her eyes for a second to look at Sam, Quinn finally acknowledged her other best friend. Brittany stood next to Santana, but a little behind and had a worried look on her face, something that was extremely rare.

"So are you trying to ask my girl, here, for a second date? Or would it be a third?" Santana's voice was empty, but her eyes changed. If looks could kill, Sam would've been dead.

"It's none of your business. In fact, we're busy, so if you don't mind." Quinn ignored the pounding of her heart and the butterflies in her stomach; instead she stayed firm and looked directly in Santana's eyes.

"It's very much my business; you're the co-captain of the 'cheerios' so you have a reputation to keep and you're my best friend and my job is to take care of you", The tension between them grew.

"It's nice of you to take care of my rep, but I can do it on my own. And about the other thing. Well, you understand".

Santana clenched her jaw, Brittany must have sensed it because she caressed Santana's arm with her hand. "No, I don't. I don't understand anything because you refuse to talk to me!" Santana took a deep breath in attempt to cool off, "Stop this childish behavior and let's talk about it".

"I think I should go." Sam mumbled and turned to leave.

Quinn grabbed his hand and stopped him, "No, wait" She told him and turned to face Santana again, "We have nothing to talk about; you chose this." Quinn glanced at Brittany and the other blond lowered her eyes to the ground,"And you'll suffer the consequences. I don't want any part in it, leave me out of it. Goodbye".

Quinn's body screamed for her to go back and hold Santana in her arms, but she was doing the right thing and she couldn't destroy it. She turned to face Sam and the boy was obviously confused; it looked like he was trying to figure out what happened.

"So what was that?" Sam asked as he looked back the way they just came.

"You know, girls stuff", Quinn tried to brush it off.

"That look…"

"Forget about that; let's go".

"Sure you don't want to go and talk to her?" Sam walked faster because Quinn was already a few steps ahead of him.

"Class is about to start, come on".

* * *

Quinn managed to handle most of the day; Santana and Brittany glanced at her from time to time, but she didn't react. She felt a bit empty sitting without Santana next to her, she also saw the other girl talking closely to one another and Brittany's hand caressed Santana's thigh.

Quinn thought that she could handle her feelings, but the new information was way too much to deal with. How was she supposed to be fine and accepting of her friends being..._Like that_ and together when she believed that it's not normal, a sickness. How could she look at Brittany and smile when she wanted to hit her for taking Santana from her? How was she able to pretend to be her best friend when she wanted to kiss her? Things went down hill fast and Quinn just wanted to stay away from it all.

Just at the end of that thought, Brittany came from nowhere and surprised Quinn. She quickly recovered, slammed her locker door and was about to walk away, but Brittany stopped her.

"Please, Quinnie." Brittany said quietly with an agonized face.

"What?" Quinn had a hard time looking at the blonde sad puppy face; even though everything she felt at that moment, Brittany was like a sister to her and Quinn still cared.

"I just want to explain." Brittany said in a hushed tone, it was so quiet that Quinn barely heard it. Her heart broke, once more, at the state Brittany was in, but she wasn't sure she was ready to have that talk or even if she wanted to.

"Britt, I don't think it's a good idea; Santana was pretty clear with what she told me so I don't see the point." Quinn was extremely uncomfortable, she prayed for the bell to ring so she could run from there.

"I want to tell you my side, c'mon" Brittany pleaded and pouted.

The locker room started to fill with people and Quinn's firm stance cracked slowly under Brittany's gaze.

"Fine, after school."

Brittany nodded and Quinn walked to her gym class, releasing a big sigh.

* * *

The class was over and Quinn, as usual, waited to be alone so she could take a quick shower and dress. The teacher released them before the end of the class and everyone hurried to finish so they'd have a long lunch; that gave Quinn plenty of time to get ready.

She was only in her bra and underwear as she put lotion on her body. Some of the scars had faded away, but the new ones looked awful, but that was a small price to pay. Quinn thought it was the only way she can keep going without exploding and letting all of her emotions out.

Quinn was so deep in thought she didn't notice someone else was there until they coughed. She turned around within seconds, ready to lash out at whoever was behind her.

"Man hands?! What the fuck are you doing here?!" She raised an eyebrow and folded her arms, "You look like a perve just standing there."

"I... I'm... It's not like that, I'm here for..." Rachel attempted to come up with a proper sentence, but was too shocked to even think properly.

Then it clicked; she was half naked, that meant that Rachel saw her scars very clearly and that's why she hadn't said a word. Quinn started to panic and her body felt warm. She was terrified now that one of her two biggest secrets was out and to whom! To Rachel fucking Berry, that girl couldn't keep her mouth shut even if her life depended on it. She had to do something and she had to do it fast.

Quinn grabbed her towel and covered herself, and then she got closer to the short girl with a malicious expression on her face.

"Listen, dwarf, I'm only going to say this once so you better listen!" Rachel nodded her head and stared frightened at the cheerleader, "You didn't see anything. Whatever you _think_ you saw, you didn't. If I even _suspect _that your tiny brain thought about telling someone about your _illusion,_ I'll make your pathetic life a living hell. Am I making myself clear?" Quinn spat harshly.

Quinn saw how curious the other girl was and she must have had a bunch of questions to ask her. Rachel was known as a huge talker and one that can't keep anything to herself, probably over compensating her height. Quinn hoped that the she made her scared enough so she would keep her mouth shut. She wasn't sure at all what to do; Quinn was afraid and sure that Rachel could actually hear her heart beating through the towel. It would ruin her life; if Rachel said even the smallest thing, it would be the end of her.

"But I can maybe..." Rachel stuttered a little.

"Shut your mouth; that's what you can and _will_ do" Quinn spat as she got dangerously close to her and pointed.

"Quinn, hurting yourself is..." Rachel tried to keep her eyes on Quinn's eyes.

"I think you need to check your head, it's not a good sign when you start to _imagine _things" Quinn turned around and pulled her clothes from her locker.

"We can speak discretely..."

Quinn started to get annoyed, "What are you doing here, anyway? I didn't know you were into..." She raised her eyebrow and sent a quick glance at her.

"What? Oh no, I'm not a lesbian." Quinn froze in her place when she heard the word she was terrified of. "I'm looking for Santana."

"Santana?" Quinn peeked at Rachel; she was curious.

"Yeah, I want to talk to her about joining the glee club." She said proudly.

Quinn held her shirt and signed Rachel to turn around so she could get dressed and the girl did just that.

"Are you serious?" Quinn said in a mocking tone.

"I never joke about singing. I know she can sing, but she always runs from me."

"I can't see why..." Q rolled her eyes.

"This is a serious issue! We have a big competition soon and I need her vocals to back me up."

Quinn burst into laughter when she heard Rachel's argument; she knew she had no chance to convince Santana, especially by telling her that.

"Let me give you some advice;" The bell rang and Quinn was on her way out, "Think about a different strategy, and make her feel in the center."

"What do you mean?" Rachel was interested to know more.

"I thought you're supposed to be smart, figure it out." Quinn took a couple of steps forward then stopped, she turned her head to look at the short girl that still stood there without moving, "We never saw each other." It was a statement. When she saw the other girl nod, she kept going.

* * *

Quinn was in shock. She was so reckless; what was she thinking being exposed in the locker room like that?! She wasn't sure if she could trust Rachel to keep something so private and sensitive to herself.

Quinn never felt so scared and vulnerable; her life could have been ruined in a matter of seconds. It could slip out and it'd be like wildfire; everyone will whisper, look at her and insult her. It would be the end of her social life. Then it would probably get to her parents and they'd be so ashamed they'd send her to some psych institute or worse- Catholic school.

How was she supposed to trust a stranger with something so personal? She thought things couldn't get any worse and that happened! And her day wasn't over; she still had the talk with Brittany.

Quinn started to really think that god had something against her.

She wasn't hungry and felt weak from all of the emotional stress, but still entered the cafeteria. She looked around and saw Santana and Brittany at the cheerleaders' table so that wasn't a possibility.

"Quinn!" A voice came from nowhere.

Quinn looked around and saw Sam waving at her; he was sitting with the glee club and Quinn wasn't sure it was a good idea, but it beat sitting alone.

"Hey, how is it going?"

"Fine," Quinn said hesitatingly, she felt uncomfortable sitting with the people who were considered freaks. "You?"

"Great." He smiled, "Everyone this is Quinn, Quinn this is everyone." Sam must have felt the awkwardness that was around the table and tried to break it.

"Hey, I'm Kurt." Or Lady Hummel as Santana used to refer to him.

"Hey girl!" _'Wheezy'._

Everyone continued to introduce themselves; Quinn smiled politely, but inside she laughed at the nicknames Santana had for all of them.

Sam and Mike exchanged looks and then the blonde boy said, "So we were talking about the game tomorrow," That caused Quinn to raise an eyebrow; how did the geeks have anything to do with the football game? "Well, more about after the game."

Quinn didn't get why a guy like Sam, that had the looks and a great personality, can be so insecure but it was part of his charm.

"Does it have to do with what you wanted to ask me earlier?"

"Actually, Yes. Everyone's coming to my place for a game night."

"It isn't as lame as it sounds." Mike jumped.

"Yeah, it's super fun! We play and eat pizza until Rachel thinks' we should rehearse, and then we leave." They all laughed, even Quinn smiled at what Mercedes said.

"Because you're not taking anything seriously!" The Jewish girl got to the table and sat down. Quinn started to panic and she looked at her like she saw a ghost. "And you should come, Quinn, it'll be fun." Rachel sent her a genuine smile.

Quinn felt somewhat relieved that Rachel kept their deal. She didn't know how long it'd last or what she'd do if it came out, but at the time she was just thankful it was still a secret.

"Yeah, if you want."

It wasn't stressful at all, it's not like the whole glee club looked at her like they'd break if she said no.

"I can't promise anything, we'll see after the game."

"Cool."

* * *

Quinn never thought she'd be nervous seeing or talking to Brittany, but at that moment she almost fainted. She had a lot of questions and she did want to confront her about the party and what she was doing with Santana, but the longer she thought about it her confident disappeared. Quinn's body slowly shut down her ability to express herself and replaced it with the defense attitude of a five year old.

Brittany showed up a couple of minutes after Quinn sat on the bench behind the school; she looked more pale than the usual and who could blame her, Quinn was very clear with her opinion on the subject. Although she was secure about her feelings, it was the first time she ever talked to anyone, that wasn't Santana, about it.

Santana warned her that it could go terribly wrong, that she could get hurt by Quinn's word so it's better to not get her hopes up. She also told her to not take it personally; Quinn was raised to believe certain things and it would take her time to break free from that and get back to being friends.

Brittany was Brittany, she was positive that she'd change her friend's mind and make her see that there isn't anything wrong with how they felt.

"Quinnie!" Brittany was enthusiastic to open her eyes.

"Britt..any." Quinn had a hard time controlling her feelings when she saw the other blonde; she wanted to hug her and go back to the way things were, but she also wanted to push her and yell at her for her actions.

Brittany was a little disappointed to hear her full name, but she had hope.

"How you want to do it? Should I talk or do you have questions?"

"Just talk." Quinn felt like the air vanished from around her and that had time stopped.

"Ah well." How you begin something like that? "I guess you wonder if I'm gay or what..." Quinn stayed indifferent, but on the inside she was a mess.

"Ok. I'm not." Quinn looked puzzled and Brittany noticed so she quickly continued, "I'm Bisexual." Brittany saw Quinn wrinkle her nose, but it didn't stop her, "I'm attracted to guys and girls."

"I know what it means, Britt." Quinn didn't want to be nice to her, but she was operating on automate.

"Of course, sorry." She took a deep breath, "I think I always kind of knew, but it wasn't until Santana and I kissed that I was certain." That hurt, like Quinn got a kick in her stomach.

"It was last year; Santana and I were tipsy after some party and I told her that her lips must taste like chocolate, she giggled and told me I can get a taste so.. I did. The kiss was short and we both just laughed and fell asleep. For a while we kissed just when we got drunk, until one day we got bored and we discovered that making out while sober is much better. As time passed by the making out sessions get more and more intense until we got to the point of no return."

"I thought she was with Puck."

"For a while, she was. My journey was short, I know who I am, but Santana had it in a different way. I can't tell you more than that because it's her story to tell, but you need to know that neither of us planed it or wished for it or enjoyed hiding it from you; we thought it just for fun and then it got a little more complicated so we wanted to figure it out first. Santana love's you so much, so do I, and we can't lose you over this.." Brittany's voice began to tremble.

"Stop, Brittany, just stop for a second." Quinn got up and paced back and forward on the grass with her hands folded, like protecting her from the painful truth.

She couldn't believe that they hid it from her for so long, she couldn't blame them but it still hurt. A fucking year! It wasn't just that drunk time at the party, they actually did it with a clear mind.

Her mind made up pictures of Brittany touching Santana, her best friend. The girl she loved.

_"Fuck those thoughts! I don't give about them; let them give in to their urges, they'll burn in internal hell at the end."_

Quinn wanted it to work so badly; if she could make herself truly believe that it was an unforgivable sin and that if she would work hard she'd reach salvation.

But nothing in her life was easy; her mind was locked to work by specific rules, but her heart wasn't having it. She was extremely jealous that Brittany got to be so intimate with the girl she couldn't stop thinking about, she was scared of how strong her feelings got with every passing day and she was hurt that Santana didn't want to do those things with her.

How could she function properly when her soul was divided?

Quinn wanted a different life; to be someone who didn't have these kind of problems, that was controlled either by logic or by emotions.

Unfortunately, the choice was made for her and no matter how much of her wanted to choose love, she couldn't. Quinn was loyal to her family and god's rules.

"Quinn, are you feeling ok?" Brittany's voice broke the bubble of thought she got herself into.

"I am, but you're not." If someone was standing next to her they would've froze with how cold her voice was.

"Don't do it, please." Brittany pleaded.

"I'm not doing anything; there are rules and god forbids the sin you enjoy so much." Quinn said in a mocking harsh tone.

With tears in her eyes, Brittany got up from the bench and stood in front of Quinn. "You're my best friend. Leave the bible and your family and the fact that I like girls too. I'm still the same Brittany, nothings changed."

"Everything changed! It's easy to be blind and seize the moment, but you'll have to face god at some point and he won't be so forgiving."

"This isn't you talking; someone took over your body and made you forget how much you care about your best friends."

"Grow up, Brittany! No one did anything to me, if anything you both are pocessed by something and you're too weak to resist! What you're doing isn't right, it's disgusting!"

Tears streamed down Brittany face, but she didn't give up. "Quinn opened your eyes! I know you and I know those are not your words. Is me caring about Santana wrong? How can..."

"Caring?!" Quinn let out a cynical laugh, "If you _care_ about her so much why did you leave her at Puck's Party?!" Quinn's heart pounded like crazy, she was afraid it would break her ribs.

Brittany was dumbfounded by the question; it looked like Quinn was more upset about this statement more than her coming out.

"I was..."

"Drunk, high...Yeah, that's not an excuse. If you _care_ so much about someone you don't ditch them for a one night stand. Did you even think what would've happened to her?! You drag her with you to a sinful life and throw her on the first idiot who wants to fuck you?! You deserve a friend of the year prize."

Brittany was lost for words; she had no idea where that came from or how to react. All the girl did was cry her heart out.

"Tell Santana this too- we're finished, you're not my friends anymore. I hope you'll get better someday, I'll pray for you."

* * *

**I wanted to add another scene, but decided against it.**

**'till next time.**


	7. A good friend or a good Christian?

We meet again! Sorry for the wait.

I wasn't sure how you were going to react to the last chapter, so I'm so happy you liked it! And I think we all deserve some Quinntana alone time.

My beta's Tumblr: **shesjustagirlxo.**

**Thank you for all the alerts, favorites and the reviews! :)**

**Reviews:**

_Guest_- What about now?

_-_ A friend can be devastating and love can make you do stupid things, put them together and...BOOM!

_Anna-_ Help is on the way. Would she take it?

Guest- I know what you mean, sometimes people are too busy with their own life that they miss what's going on in with the ones closes to them.. Plus, I agree with what you wrote about parents. I believe that parents should raise their child to be a decent human being and love them no matter what.

_Guest-_ Thank you so much :)

_LaurenKnight13- _I wish that everything Quinn is going through was pure imagination, but we have a long way to go before people will understand that being different isn't a bad thing..

_Jammy- _Sometime we compromise for the ones we care about. Does Santana love Quinn that much?

_me2pointO- _Thank you!

* * *

Quinn was in her car, in front of her house; how she managed to get there without crashing or hurting someone was a mystery. Her face was red and her eyes were puffy from all the crying. She couldn't believe the venom that came out of her mouth and how uncaring she was towards Brittany.

Quinn knew that Brittany was right; that wasn't like her to talk like that to someone she loved and that small detail shouldn't have mattered. Quinn knew in her heart that their friendship didn't have to be effected from that; on the contrary, it should've made it stronger. Quinn's self loathing was slowly turning her into a disgusting human being; one that abandoned her friends, who secludes herself and lashed out at every opportunity. It wasn't who she wanted to be, but the circumstances forced her to, she had to think about her future before anything else.

Quinn stared blankly and thought about the time when she was younger; when she went to Brittany's or Santana's house, it was as if a weight was lifted from her chest. She could play and eat and sleep as much as she wanted, without anyone screaming at her. Her friend's parents were so loving and always made her feel like a part of the family, from game night to a couple of vacations. Her parents weren't like that; they made her eat a specific amount of food, learn the bible and study even when she didn't have homework and the phrase "I love you" was hardly ever said to her. She knew her parents wanted her to succeed, but at what cost?

An hour went by that she spent just sitting in her car, analyzing her life and doing some self examination. Quinn's mind was set on getting over her stupid crush and moving on as a normal person, but she felt like half of her was missing. Before she labeled her feelings she thought that her, Brittany and Santana were going to finish high school and get out of that town together to start their life. They had big dreams; Brittany wanted to be a dancer and travel and see the world as part of a tour, Santana wanted to party hard and make it big as a singer and Quinn…she wanted to get as far as possible from Ohio and help people, she wasn't sure in what way back then, but that was the main idea.

No matter how big their dreams were or where life would take them, the girls were positive that they'd always be a big part of each other lives. They swore that they'd make it work and never drift apart.

And in a couple of days Quinn had ruined everything; she pushed away the two people that were always there for her and showed her a more open and loving world.

Quinn slapped her face, _she_ was the hypocrite, not Brittany; she yelled, insulted and ignored her best friends when they needed her the most. How was she different from her parents? Quinn was angry and disappointed with herself for being the exact opposite from what she wanted to be.

The inner conflict drove her insane; you cut someone off just because he's a little different from you? They had a different perspective over life, was that a reason to let the people closest to you go? But they practiced sin and she grew up with a strict set of rules to follow. Isn't accepting the sin worse than being the sinner?

Quinn didn't have a single answer to her growing list of questions and she was exhausted. She waited for her face to return to its usual pale shade and entered her home.

* * *

"Quinn, is that you?"

"Yes, dad." Quinn stood in her place and hoped her father wouldn't tell her to come over.

"Come sit with me."

Quinn sighed and went to the living room. Her father had a can of beer in his hand and he was watching some sports show on their flat screen TV.

He tapped on the spot next to him and Quinn sat right there.

"How was school?"

"Good."

"And what about that boy, Sam? Is he treating you good?" Russell burped.

"Yes, he is."

"He doesn't force you to sleep with him, does he?" Another burp.

Quinn blushed, "No, not at all."

"Are you telling me the truth? Young men at his age, all they think about is sex. Your mother and I raised you well; you need to keep your grade up and go to church. Believe me; girls today are disgusting; they give everything away to any man who gives a bit of attention. Sam will appreciate you more if you save yourself and take care of him." He burped once more.

That was when she realized she had made a huge mistake giving up her best friends for people who thought they were living in a different century.

"You need to make me proud, Quinn, like your sister does. You'll be married in a couple of years and bringing me grandchildren, just like God intended you."

Quinn thought about her father's words; she wanted those things too and she could get them, but she knew her father not only wouldn't be proud, he'd disown her and maybe even think of her as dead. She couldn't imagine her family not sharing the happiest days of her life.

"Don't worry dad." Quinn forced a smile, "I have homework, can I be excused?"

"Yeah, yeah." Russell was already half asleep on the couch.

* * *

Quinn sat in front of her computer; she needed information about what she was going through. Maybe even some answers.

7 minutes went by without a single movement from Quinn. She was petrified to actually get those answers because it would bring about more changes and she'd had enough.

Instead of doing something useful, Quinn just checked her Facebook account. While she was scrolling down, reading boring status updates, she got a message.

_"Rachel Barbara Berry? Since when do I have her on Facebook?"_

Quinn clicked the message and discovered many words and links; she huffed and started to read through.

_"Dear Quinn Fabray.." _Quinn rolled her eyes, _"You must be wondering why I'm sending you a message, and the reason is that I'm worried. Yes, you read right, I'm worried about you._

_I know you told me to forget what I saw and to not speak about it and I promise I won't tell a soul. As long as you work on getting better._

_Before you start planning my death, hear me out! I'm not forcing you to pour your heart out to me, but I do offer you my friendship. No one needs to know anything, just let me help._

_I can't carry this without making sure you get some help; I might not be a professional, but I have great research skills._

_I know what you want to say, that I don't know anything about your life and that's true, but sometimes it's better to talk to a stranger. Who knows, maybe we'll end up becoming friends._

_So just know that your secret is safe with me and I would never use it against you._

_I'm adding some links to a couple of websites I found that maybe be helpful and my number; in case you ever want to talk._

_-Rachel."_

Quinn couldn't believe it was real, she read it at least five times and she would read it once more if she hadn't got a text.

Incoming: _"I got your message loud and clear. You'll be happy to know that your former best friend is curled up in my bed and that she won't stop crying since she got here. I still have hope that you'll come to your senses and be our Quinn again, we both need you."_

She deserved it and she knew it. Quinn felt like shit and she wanted to make things better, but at the same time to never see them again.

Quinn went to her bed and lay with her face down on her pillow; nothing made sense to her, how was it possible to want to spend every second of every day with someone and to be scared to be around them at the same time?

Quinn's mind drifted into a fantasy world; she pictured herself and Santana at a place far away from their home town, a place no one can get to. She saw Santana wearing a tight, short strapless black dress; her hair was down and Pumps heels. She was bending over to set the fireplace on so she gave Quinn the perfect view of her ass.

_"See something you like?" The Latina said as she turned around and walked towards Quinn._

_"Actually, what I like is covered with unnecessary fabric." Quinn whispered when Santana's hands were wrapped around her. The brunette smirked and pushed Quinn on the couch. Her smirk grew even bigger when she heard the blond whimper when she no longer held her._

_Santana stood in front of Quinn and unzipped her dress then she slowly slid it down her body, rocking her hips from side to side. Quinn gulped hard when she saw Santana's choice of underwear; it was a matching red lace bra and panties and they barely covered anything._

_When the dress was on the floor, Santana bent down to remove it completely or more to tease Quinn._

_Then she straddled her, placing light kisses on her jaw and neck._

_Quinn's hands quickly found their favorite spot on Santana's lower half, but the Latina slapped them away._

_"Now don't you give me that pout, I didn't say you can touch just yet. Let me warm you up before." Santana's hands slid under Quinn's shirt and made their way up._

Quinn felt her body shiver and her eyes flew open in horror; what made her feel so uncomfortable was the fact that in her fantasy she felt more alive and happy than in real life. She put her hands in her pants and felt the slight wetness that started to form just by that simple thought.

Quinn sighed and rolled on her back; Sam was the one that should've made her feel that way, not the breathtaking Latina.

In her home sex wasn't something you could talk about, her mother never sat her down and explained to her about it or how to be safe. All her parents ever told her was that she needed to save herself for marriage and make her future husband happy. From attending church, Quinn learned the sanctity of marriage, to never give in to devilish thoughts and obey God's laws. She heard stories about girls getting knocked up at a young age, how it ruined their lives because abortion was not even a consideration so they had to give up their dreams to raise their babies.

When Quinn started high school, sex wasn't something she could avoid completely; everyone talked about it, tried it, and wanted it. Quinn never even touched herself and other people already experimented with different things and had experience. Her information on the subject came from TV shows, rumors and, of course, her best friends.

Santana and Brittany were highly sexually active, more than she ever knew apparently. They made it sound like fun, not a job like her family did. Quinn's mind opened a little; she knew that in their age wanting to have sex was normal, but she couldn't accept the promiscuity. Everyone treated it like it was so easy, like it didn't matter what they were doing and with whom, but for Quinn it was a huge deal.

Quinn couldn't have thought about someone touching her in such intimate way, not without any feelings and connection. She wanted to save herself for marriage, yes, because then it will be with the person you swore to spend the rest of your life with, someone that loves you deeply and wants only you.

But at that moment on her bed, Quinn shook her head and chuckled; she would never have it, marrying someone she loves and making love to them. Wanted or not, she couldn't be attracted to guys, she could've worked on controlling her emotions towards girls [more like one girl specifically], but the truth is she would never feel like that towards men.

It was either succumb to her desires or have a loveless marriage. One way or another, it wasn't the time for that discussion.

Once again, Quinn ran from who she was and what she wanted.

Her headphones blasted the music from her iPhone as she locked more fears away in the back of her mind.

* * *

Quinn went out to the field; she couldn't stand another moment, in what felt like the tiniest space in the world. All day long Quinn had Sam to keep her from having a breakdown because the death glares she got from Santana were more frightening than a verbal encounter. He was hilarious and interesting; they didn't ever have an awkward silence. But he had to warm up for the game and so did she.

In the locker room Quinn saw Brittany's lips tremble while Santana held her face in her hands and whisper to her words Quinn couldn't hear. Quinn stood from afar, her locker was next to them and she didn't want to interrupt. She saw how Santana caressed the other girl's face and how the shaking of Brittany's head turned to a nod. Santana gave her a warm smile and walked her to the sink, to wash the tears from her face.

Quinn did that, she was responsible for every tear that came out of Brittany's eyes and for breaking the happiest girl in the world. She wanted to go over there and take her in her arms, to say that she didn't mean any of the nasty words she had spat at her and that she loves her, both of them, no matter what. Quinn just put her bag in her locker, rearranged her ponytail and went outside.

She waved to Sam, he waved back and was on his way to her until Sue yelled at them to start the quick practice before the game.

"Listen up, useless excuse for a team!" The old lady scream in her megaphone, "Because Fabray took Pierce's marker or some shit, we have a few changes in position. Lopez and Pierce will switch places with Forbes and Gilbert for this game and we'll see how it goes. Lopez, Fabray, it's on you if anything goes bad." Santana nodded and Quinn lowered her gaze, "Now let's see what you've got."

Although it was understandable, Quinn felt ashamed. And yet, she didn't do anything to change it.

After the 'cheerios' routine on the second half of the game, Quinn knew she was in trouble. The first half of the game was pretty good; the football team led by ten points and the crowd was loud. Quinn and Santana didn't talk to each other, but the squad preformed well. But then it all crumbled. Literally. The girls fell and ran into each other, which cause the crowd to laugh and shout at them.

Quinn saw Sue come towards them; steam metaphorically poring out of her ears. "Lopez, Fabray, in my office! NOW!"

With her head low, Quinn paced to her coach's office. "Quinn! Wait up."

"Sam? Hey, great game." She tried to smile, but she was scared of the old lady.

"Thanks. I wanted to check up on you, are you ok? Did you get hurt?"

"No, no I'm fine."

"Really, Fabray?!" Santana came from behind her, "You think now is the time to catch up with your boyfriend?"

"He's not."

"I'm not."

"Don't care, just hurry up. Coach is going to kill us and I don't want more trouble." She brushed them off and kept walking.

"I'm sorry, I have to..."

"Go, go. Talk to me afterwards."

* * *

The room was quiet and you could've cut the tension with a knife. Sue sat behind her desk and examined the girls; she rested her head on her hands and narrowed her eyes.

Quinn moved uncomfortably in her chair and played with her rings; she knew Sue had great observation skills and she was petrified that she would figure it out and out her. She didn't have the guts to look at Santana, but she heard her moving in her chair as well. Sue could be scary even if you don't have anything to hide.

"Well, what should I do with you?" She looked between the two nervous girls, "I thought you were the perfect combination, that with you two at the top there would be no chance of losing. Today you prove me wrong and you can't even look me in the eyes! I don't give a shit why you're not talking to each other, but you're grown up now and silent treatments aren't acceptable."

"Coach, I promise it won't happen again." Santana spoke up. Quinn turned her head to the side and her heart skipped a beat; Santana's skin was glistening from the sweat, her hair was messy and she bit her lips. Quinn thought she was so adorable.

"Of course not, because if it happens again I won't be so forgiving and you know what I'm capable of." Sue stood up and walked to the door.

The two cheerleaders got up, but froze when they heard Sue's voice again, "Tut-tut, you're not going anywhere."

"What?!" They said together and exchanged looks.

"You heard me; you're staying here until you get your shit together. I'll come check on you in a while."

"You can't do this! I have somewhere to go, things to do." Quinn finally opened her mouth.

Sue chuckled, "You can go see your boy toy later. If you want to stay on the team, fix it!" She got out of the room and locked the door.

The awkwardness in the room was almost unbearable; both girls stood next to each other, they swayed from side to side and looked at anything but each other.

They didn't have their cell phones to distract them and it was obvious that Sue wouldn't let them off the hook easily, even if they had to stay there all night long.

Santana stood a few feet from Quinn, which gave the blonde a chance to let her eyes wondered; because of the sweat their uniforms were tighter, hugging Santana's curves perfectly. Quinn didn't understand how a person can always look so damn sexy; in the morning, when she's drunk, when she's tired. In her eyes, the girl in front of her was the most beautiful creature God ever created.

"What?!" Santana turned around.

"What, what?" Quinn raised her eyebrow and forced herself to look only in Santana's eyes.

"I could feel you staring at me; if you have something to say just let it out and get it over with." Santana leaned on the table.

"I wasn't staring and I don't have anything to say."

Santana chuckled, "really? Nothing? Not even a lame 'I'm sorry'?"

Quinn's heart started to throb fast in her chest and her hands became sweaty. She could've handled the talk with Brittany, but the conversation with Santana was about to be ten times harder.

"What? Suddenly you can't speak? Someone took your tongue? Cause yesterday you seemed to have a strong opinion." Santana arched her eyebrows in challenge.

"It's not like that." Quinn didn't know where she was going with it, but she had to say something.

"Not like that?! So you haven't crushed Brittany's soul to dust just because you don't like the fact that she's into girls?" Santana's tone was cold, just like hers was the other day.

"I..."

"I don't want to hear excuses, Quinn! I thought highly of you, but you failed when we needed you the most. You should've seen her; she stormed into my room and I couldn't do anything to calm her down. For hours she didn't stop crying, I've never seen her like that." Santana's voice was shaking and tears formed in both pairs of eyes.

"I never intended to act like that; I just couldn't control my mouth." Once again Quinn didn't know if she wanted to crush her lips on the other girl's lips or to break down the door and run. It was a torture; the room was stuffy and Quinn's body was going crazy with fear and desire, she could see how angry Santana was with her and she wasn't sure it was fixable.

"Cut the bullshit! You can talk like that to anyone, even me, but to Britt? I can't believe you! That girl is pure good. She wanted to tell you for so long ago, but I always told her that we shouldn't, that you wouldn't be ok with it, that we would lose you..." Santana took a deep breath, "But she kept saying that we're best friends and nothing can come between us. She was sure that even with your family's views, you'd support us. If to be honest, after awhile I was too. It only makes sense that the person you've known for years would love you no matter what. Guess we were wrong." She looked to the side and brushed the tears from her eyes.

Quinn wanted to punish herself for not being a good person before being a good Christian. She had no idea what to say or if she even could stay close to them, but those girls meant the world to her. She couldn't control the tears as they streamed down her face and it got harder to breathe; her mind was close to blowing up and her body was affected by it in full force. Quinn tried to find words, to decide what she should do but it just made her panic grow.

"Q?!" Santana quickly rushed to her when she saw what was going on, "Hey, look at me." Quinn was desperate to get air into her lungs, averted eyes and locked them with the brunet's, "Good, now calm down, everything will be just fine. Focus on my voice and take deep breaths, slowly."

Quinn did as she was told; her eyes closed at the moment Santana's left hand cupped her face and her right one held her waist.

"Just clear your mind and breath, I'm here with you." Santana's voice was concerned and she stroked her cheek.

The feeling of Santana on her made Quinn more relax and slowly her body calmed down. Her senses were off, Santana's closeness and touch confused her as much as they relaxed her. Quinn's body got warm and she bit her lips when she felt Santana's breath on her face. They were inches apart, Quinn only needed to close the tiny gap and that's would've been it.

"Get away from me!" Quinn pushed Santana off of her and went to the other side of the room.

Santana shook her head, obviously in shock.

Quinn turned her back to her, she couldn't bare to see the hurt look in her eyes.

"I just."

"Drop it, S."

Quinn heard Santana sighed, "I just wanted to make sure you're alright."

"I am, so leave it." Quinn hugged herself and went even further away in the room.

"Since when do you have panic attacks?"

"I don't, it's just the small space."

"Of course. Is it really the end of us?" It was clear that Santana was attempting not to cry again.

"I... I... Don't know." It was just above a whisper.

"Fuck, I know that it's hard on you and you're concerned with what they'd think and that you should stay away. But Q..." Santana sobbed, "I can't lose you. I'd happily change it, but I can't do it either. Let's just put it aside, we don't need to talk about it or do anything that you're not comfortable with. Just please..."

Something inside of her kept telling her to turn around, to hug her tight and tell her that she'd never leave her, but it wasn't as easy as she wanted it to be.

"I want to, really, but I'm not sure I can."

"Can we at least try? I promise to you, nothing has changed and you'll see that."

Quinn faced Santana and watched as a sad smile appeared on her tanned face.

"I need some time." Quinn breathed out.

"Time is never a good sign." The smiled vanished and Santana's lips trembled.

"I know, but I can't go back to what we had. And I'm sure Brittany needs it to"

"The three of us need to take it slow, but I'm sure she'll forgive you. We just need to go back to our old selves."

"I wish we could, but we can't ignore what happened. The three of us need time to cool off and I need some space, but I'm not saying we're done."

Quinn decided she could live with that; she had Sam to spend time with besides Brittany and Santana and if it became too much then at least she tried.

Santana just nodded, "So you think you're ready to hear my side of the story?"

Quinn hesitated, but said yes. "No, you just scratched your nose." Santana giggled, "Its ok, we can wait with that."

Quinn blushed, Santana knew her better than anyone. Well, apart from the self harm thing and the huge crush she had on her.

"Q! If we're ever going to be ok you need to stop being so shy. I want my girl back."

Did Quinn hear right or did she lose it completely? _Her girl?_ What was that supposed to mean?! That statement didn't do her good at all; weren't she and Brittany together? Did it mean that Santana liked her? No, that can't happen! How was she going to make it work if she needed to analyze every single word that came out of Santana's mouth?

"Q? Is this another panic attack? Damn Sue and her crazy ideas." Santana's hands were all over her again; the brunette checked her forehead to see if she had a fever and held her close to her.

"I'm ok, fine, sorry." Quinn mumbled and melted into her best friend's hug.

"You need to stop doing that, you worry me and I'll end up with some type of an attack." Santana whispered in her ear.

"I will." Quinn whispered, she didn't want to break their moment, she felt safe in Santana's arms.

Quinn tightened her hands around Santana's shoulders and felt the brunette doing the same. It was like her body was charged with energy and came back to life; only at that point she realized that it wasn't just a crush, her body was desperate to feel Santana close to her and her spirit was complete.

They were finally close to each other, after just a few days apart, and Quinn wanted to push Santana on the table and kiss her. Quinn's hands held Santana's neck as brown eyes look at her with curiosity. She dug her fingers in her skin and saw pain in her eyes, but Santana stayed quiet. It was a battle; to lose control meant that she could've finally felt Santana's full lips and releases some pressure, but she would've lost her, Brittany, her parents. There was too much at risk.

"Are we going to make it?" Quinn tried to keep her gaze steady.

"We will." Santana smiled the cutest smile Quinn ever saw.

The door slammed open and Sue burst in with a grin on her face, "So I guess you kissed and make up." The girls immediately put some space between them.

"We..."

"Don't care." Actually Sue was more than interested to know what was going on with her top three cheerleaders, but it didn't look like the best time and she enjoyed it too much. "This is the last time you pull shit like that! You're the captains so act like it or I'll crush you!"

They both nodded and walked out.

"So. Can I call you or is it too much?" Quinn liked nervous Santana.

"Tana."

Santana shook her head, "Ok, Whatever you need."

Quinn couldn't take the sadness she caused Santana, "Text, we can text." It worked; Santana gave her a small smile.

They went and took their stuff from the locker room and walked to the parking lot.

"Are you heading home?"

"Actually I have plans." Quinn felt like she was betraying her in some way.

"Sam, huh? Have fun."

"Thanks. Are you going out?"

"I don't think so; I'll just drop by Brittany's to see how she is."

Quinn knew that Brittany wasn't in a good state, but she couldn't control the jealousy; the other blonde got to have Santana in a way she'd never be able to.

"Take care of her."

"I will." It was time for them to separate "So. You and the nerds? Finally found your crowd?"

"Are you laughing at me, Lopez?"

"Just teasing." She had no idea how right she was. "Goodnight, Quinnie."

"Goodnight, Tana."

* * *

**Spoiler alert-** The beginning of Faberry friendship and jealousy.

'till next time.


	8. Only charades and OJ

Woohoo, an update! XD

It's a bit short, but I hope the next one would make up for it.

**Reviews:**

_For the ones who wrote about wanting them to be together, asked when the bad part is going to end and they will be together-_ Patience. They're not in that place _yet_, it would take some time for them to be able to give and receive love.

_ThatsNotAName, MTLover, -_ I'm blushing! XD Thank you SO much :) I hope I won't let you down.

recklesslittleliar- Good you're back and I hope you'll enjoy this one as well.

Guest- A kiss is a general thing, be careful [and specific] what you wish for ;)

_silent12reader_- I love to read and write jealousy and possessiveness so you're going to see a lot of it.

_Ryoko05- _Rachel had a lot of work waiting for her. Thank you.

_Shananigan_- Thanks!

* * *

Quinn reached Sam's place in the middle of a charades game. They insisted she join them, but Quinn preferred to eat chips and watch them make a fool of themselves. Quinn didn't know what to expect when she got there and she was surprised; Sam's living room wasn't too big, but somehow everyone seemed comfortable, they brought food and soft drinks and just enjoyed each other. It was a nice change from a room full of drunk teenagers and Quinn had to admit she liked it.

It was Tina and Mike's turn and everyone was crying with laughter, it was the funniest thing they had ever seen. Tina was so frustrated that Mike didn't get her word and her face turned red as she did the same move again and again.

"I don't know! Do something else!"

"Tina hates losing, but not more than Rachel; she actually makes Finn practice at home" Sam whispered to Quinn.

"Are you for real?" They laughed, "I don't know how he stands her."

"You'd be surprised."

Quinn had to consider her actions; how it would look if the head cheerleader hung out with the bottom of the food chain? But when she saw how warm and fun they were and didn't judge her, she could let that go. It was weird for her that she was willing to risk hurting her popularity to spend time with people she never thought she would. She was the queen bee and she could do whatever she wanted, the other students were terrified of her. If she wanted to be with the gleeks she would, besides Finn and Sam were on the football team and kept their popularity so it wasn't a problem.

Incoming: _"Having fun, Q? Did you discover some dirty secrets, like is this a crazy sex party?" _-Tana.

Quinn's heart fluttered when she saw who that text was from and she smiled. A thought crept into her mind; did Santana miss her already? It was probably nothing, they used to talk several times a day so it was normal. She was the one who said they could text, only because Santana was so sad, but it was pretty hard to let go.

Sent: _"Perve! XD It's nothing like that and I am"_

Quinn's phone buzzed seconds later, it made her imagine that Santana was glaring at her phone for a message to come.

Incoming: _"Be careful, maybe they slipped something in your OJ and are waiting for you to lose it."_

Quinn burst out laughing, making everyone look at her with raised eyebrows.

"Sorry." She mumbled and read the text again. _"What the hell had got into her?"_ Was the only thing she could think. It's not like it was something out of the ordinary, but it felt strange in some way, Quinn couldn't put her finger on what exactly, it just did.

Sent: _"I'm sure, and the charades is just a distraction XD In case something happen to me, you'd know where to look."_

Incoming: _"You're playing charades WITHOUT me?! Now I'm really insulted.. :("_ -Tana

Quinn and Santana were always partners when it was game night at the Lopez house and they were the undisputed winners. That text made Quinn go down memory lane; she and Santana used to make the silliest gestures that no one got but them, sometimes they only used a facial expression. That's how strong their bond used to be. Quinn wasn't sure if it made her happy or sad.

Sent: _"Take a chill pill, Tana. I'm not playing , just looking and laughing."_

Incoming: _"I thought you'd replaced me..."_ -Tana

Quinn could feel Santana's pout through the text and her body felt warm.

Sent: _"Like I could ever replace you"_

Quinn panicked, she mentally slapped herself for opening herself up and bouncing back so fast to the way they were.

Sent: _"Like your craziness isn't enough."_

She tried to save herself somehow, but Quinn was sure that Santana already had a smirk all over her face.

"Quinn." The voice startled her. Berry, who else. Quinn snorted, she knew why she was there and that she wouldn't let her get away. Also, Quinn's heart wasn't quiet; she didn't hear or feel when Rachel sat next to her so she was worried that Rachel might have got a glimpse of her phone.

"Where's Sam?" Quinn said coldly, trying to disguise her fear.

"Went to grab a drink. Can we go somewhere?" Rachel's voice was tender, not pushing in any way.

Quinn was anxious and her body was shaking; she had nowhere to run, she had to face her.

"Quinn, you have nothing to worry about, I'm here for you." Rachel whispered in her ear when she saw the panic in Quinn's eyes.

Quinn just nodded and followed Rachel to an empty room.

* * *

They were alone, Quinn didn't have any escape and she couldn't even come up with excuses because she was too scared. Until that point, she thought that Rachel would just drop it or that some miracle would happened. Nothing could save her; it was just the two of them and Rachel knew too much and wasn't about to let it go by her.

"I'm not trying to make it difficult for you, believe me."

"And yet we're here." Quinn mumbled quietly.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, especially with me and that you hate me.."

"I don't _hate_ you, I just really don't want to talk about it." She hoped Rachel would give up and let her go, but she knew better.

"I understand that, but you can't keep doing this and it's either me or someone else. I'd be happy if you'd talk to someone your close to you and that you trust, but if not I'm here for you."

Rachel came closer and held her hands, "I understand how hard it is and that we don't know each other, but let's turn this thing around and make the best of this situation. You can trust me, one hundred percent." They stared at each others eyes, Quinn tried to figure out if she could trust the shorter girl. It was tense; Quinn gave Rachel her best hate look, but the brunet didn't flinch.

"I don't know what to say." Quinn's face was cracking under Rachel caring eyes.

"Whatever feels right. I'm not expecting you to pour your heart out to me now, but let's start with something." Rachel sat on the bed. They were in Sam's sister's room; it was all pink, full of Barbie dolls and fluffy animals. It was absurd that they were having a conversation like _this_ in such an innocent room.

"I.. No, I can't. Rachel, just leave it alone! Let's go back to not knowing each other and everything will be fine." Quinn murmured and started to walk towards the door.

Rachel grabbed her hand and forced her to sit down, she sighed and said "I get how awkward this is, that you want to make me forget and run. I know that you're dying to get rid of it, and it feels like it'd be the end of everything." Rachel caressed her palms. Quinn wasn't sure how to react; she still suspected Rachel's motives and was terrified to open up, but the girl in front of her looked sincere and Quinn felt like she needed to release some of the chaos she held so tightly inside.

"You think you hide it so well, but I watched you since I discovered that," Her eyes drifted to Quinn's hips for a second, "and I saw so much pain on your face. You don't deserve to go through it by yourself; we might take baby steps, but at least we'll walk towards getting better. What do you say?"

"You're stubborn.."

"You know I am." Rachel smiled; the air became lighter.

"But can we not do it here?" Quinn blushed and tried to hold her smile back.

"You're probably right. After school, my place?"

Rachel's place wasn't the best place, with her two dads and all, but they couldn't have done it in her house or in public... Rachel's house was the only choice.

"Ok."

Before they came out of the room, Rachel said she was proud of Quinn and gave her a quick hug. Quinn raised her eyebrows, but hugged her back in an awkward kind of way.

* * *

Quinn was drained from the long day she had; when she got home, after talking to her parents, she took a shower and crawled under her blanket.

She was tired, but her mind kept her awake; she didn't grasp how her life did a one-eighty in such a short time. Things just kept changing and she didn't even have time to process them.

When Quinn heard the sound of a new text message she immediately grabbed it from her night stand and unlocked it. The light blinded her; she blinked a few times and tried, with one eye open, to read the text.

Incoming: _"Are you up?" _-Tana.

Quinn knew she wouldn't be able to fall asleep without knowing what Santana wanted.

Sent: "_Yeah. Are you ok?"_

Incoming: _"It's going to sound pathetic... Can I call? Just to say Goodnight."_ -Tana

Quinn set up rules and they should've followed them, she needed space to figure herself out before she could ever end or heal their relationship, that was obvious. She stared at her phone, 'no' was already written on the text box, but she wanted to hear her voice, her breathing. Quinn needed to feel close to her even if everything was falling down.

Sent: _"Yes."_

Her phone buzzed and Santana's smiling face appeared on her screen. With trembling hands Quinn slid her finger across the screen and whispered a quick hi.

"I know we agreed to only text, I only want to say Goodnight aloud." Santana voice was soft, almost causing Quinn to get up, walk to her house and hug her for the rest of time.

"It's fine. Are you ok, though?"

"Yeah."

"Tana." Quinn said in an authoritative voice.

"Q, I respect you so.."

"Is it Brittany? Is she ok?" Quinn changed into a sitting position.

"She's better; I explained to her that you'll come to her when you'll feel comfortable and that you still care about her."

"Does _she_ still care about me?" Quinn couldn't help but ask.

"Very much. Yes, she's very hurt, but she knows where you come from and after some time apart I'm sure you'll be fine." Santana's voice got through all Quinn's walls and warmed her heart a little. The blond girl felt special to be one of the few who knew the real Santana Lopez.

"How was it with Sam?" Santana's tone slightly changed.

"Unexpectedly fun, I even had some points in some singing game."

"I'm glad to know trouty mouth didn't swallow you or that man hands didn't force you to join their lame club." Quinn could feel Satnana rolling her eyes.

"You don't know them; they are geeks, but there is much more to them and Sam and Rachel are good friends."

"Since when you become buddy-buddy with the dwarf? And Evens only wants in your pants."

Quinn didn't want to talk about other people, but it happened and they didn't deserve to be talked down like that. Quinn thought that maybe she was growing up, but then she chuckled at herself.

"Stop it, I don't want to fight."

"I'm just curious about who replaced us.." Santana said it like it was nothing, but it was clear there was so many unsaid words behind it.

Quinn's body filled with nervousness; she should've stuck with the agreement, but, like always, she was too weak.

"Fuck, I didn't mean.."

"Yes, you did."

"I was out of line, sorry. I guess you were right; time apart would do us good, from now on only texts. Goodnight Quinnie."

"Goodnight, Tana." Quinn said with uncertainty; Santana's voice sounded like something between ashamed and sad and it confused her.

The first thing that came to Quinn's mind was that she was destroying everyone around her; it started with Santana and Brittany and soon enough it would be Sam and Rachel. They were all her friends, were there for her, cared. And she drifted away and ruined all the good things.

The thought kept her awake for the most of the night; not the turning from side to side or forcing it to stop helped to calm her turbulent mind.

Not long after she managed to fall asleep, her alarm made her face yet another stressful day.

* * *

They sat in the school backyard, at one of the tables; Quinn felt like she didn't get air inside the building so Sam suggested that they go outside. Usually, when she had a free period, Santana, Brittany and she used to sneak out to get lunch at 'Breadstix'. Every time Quinn protested, saying they'd get in trouble, but the minute she saw Santana's pout and pleading eyes she got in the car, rolling her eyes and smiling. The two other girls smirked, yelled "Hell yeah, let's go get ourselves some bread sticks!"

"I think she's planning to kill me." Sam's words snapped her out of her own bubble. The wind was blowing in his hair and he would've looked cute, if not the worried face he had on.

It was the first time Quinn saw Santana that day; somehow the brunet made herself disapear.

Quinn slowly turned her head, enough that she could see what Sam was talking about; Santana and Brittany were with the cheerleaders, they all seemed in a conversation. Santana sent death glares at Sam, it even caused a shiver down Quinn's body. The blond knew that she didn't like him, but what he did that was so wrong to deserve _that_ look from her.

"It's like I killed her puppy or something."

"I'm sure it's nothing, you'll be safe." Quinn sipped from her slushy. She stiffened when she felt Santana's eyes on her.

Quinn felt like every second that she was alive, her life became more complicated. Her list of questions just got bigger and bigger and instead of fixing things she just added more people into her mess. Her life almost spun out of control completely, she almost wanted it to.

"I'm not so sure, I think I'll end up in the dumpster by the end of the day. I know what she's capable of when she's got her eyes on someone."

For Quinn it was weird; a man, on the football team was afraid of a cheerleader. But on second thought, it was Santana after all.

"I'll protect you." Quinn came closer to him and put her hand on his thigh.

She needed to prove something; to herself, to Santana, to Sam. To everyone. She worked hard on getting better, it was time to test if anything worked.

Slowly she closed the distance; she saw how Sam realized what was happening and did the same. Their lips were almost connected, when Quinn couldn't breath.

She put her hand on her chest and desperately gasped for air; her mind was full of thought and she couldn't focus on calming down.

"What the hell did you do to her?!" Quinn heard Santana voice, but only saw the grass beneath her.

"I didn't.."

"Shut your mouth!" She heard and then saw her face, Santana kneeled in front of her and put her hands on her legs. "It's ok, Quinnie, you're fine. Just relax and come back to me." It was the new expression, the mysterious one, the one that she couldn't put her finger on what feeling it represented.

Quinn body was on fire; was it her condition or Santana's hand, she wasn't sure. Her face was red, her hands sweaty and her pulse was to the roof.

"Quinn, you're safe. Just listen to my voice and take a deep breath." Santana's voice sounded like she was the one desperate for air. "Come on, you can do it." Santana came closer to her, whispering in her ear.

Quinn tried to take a deep breath, but her nose got a massive amount of Santana's perfume which made her situation much worse. She had to get away from her; that girl could've literally been the death of her.

With strength she didn't know she had, Quinn pushed Santana away from her. She stood up and went over to where Sam was and clung to him. The only word that came from her mouth was _"clinic"_ and then Sam carried her there fast.

What she missed was how Santana broke down and Brittany dragged her away from the big group that gathered around them.

* * *

**Thoughts? Suggestion?**

**A guest requested a chapter with Santana's POV, is this something you guys want?**

**'till next time.**


	9. Lifelong friend

Hey guys!

**I know it's hard to digest the things Quinn is going through and what she's doing to herself.** I wanted to write a story that deals with the ugly side of coming out and what self hate can do to a person. Believe me, it's not easy to write or experience. BUT! You're also going to read about the meaning of friendship, family, love and overcoming your biggest fears.  
I hope you'll hold on for the whole journey and I promise, happy times are on their way [one you'd enjoy very much is just around the corner]!

**About Santana POV:** For now, I won't write that [I don't want to say at all because I really don't know], but you'll understand her through the other characters and her actions.

**The ending:** Depend on whether I'll write a sequel [that I have a some plot for already] or not.

**Remember:** Everything happens for a reason ;)

**Are you still here?**

* * *

Quinn had been outside her house for the past two hours, well that wasn't completely true because she had driven back and forth from her house to here a couple of times. Could anyone blame her? Quinn was about to reveal her demons that took over her mind and she wasn't even close to being ready.

Her life made no sense whatsoever; she was crushing on her best friend that used to date the biggest man whore at school, but left him for her other best friend. She was supposed to date a jock, but instead found a great friend, although she wasn't sure what he felt. And if that wasn't enough, she hung out with the glee club and was about to spill her guts to the girl she used to enjoy making fun of and tortured.

Quinn was so scared and nervous that she was sure she'd puke any second. She knew it was the right thing to do and, deep inside, she knew hurting herself wasn't doing any good.

It was another battle for her; to expose the, disgusting, ugly human being she'd become or toughen up and act like a complete bitch until Rachel would drop it.

Quinn thought about the brown haired girl; there are people that when you look them in the eyes you know you can trust them and that they're honest and that's what she felt with Rachel. Rachel somehow made her feel safe even after everything that happened between them. It was the same thing that occurred with Sam; Quinn felt like she could breathe next to them, like she didn't need to pretend or check herself all the time. How was it possible with people she barely knew?

Quinn sighed heavily; she was exhausted, everything in his life was an inner conflict and complicated. She wanted to hold on to her popularity [mostly for protection], things came easy for her this way. But, as weird as it might sound, she wanted a small group of friends that she could relax with.

Even though she and the glee kids was supposed to be enemies, she had so much fun with them and they seemed to like her as well. Quinn felt like she belonged, like finally someone noticed _her_ and not _Quinn the head cheerleader. _It was refreshing to be with people who didn't need alcohol or drugs to have fun. It was nice to be able to have a conversation and getting to know people without the music blasting.

Quinn closed her eyes in a weak attempt to calm down, but it made her focus on her heart beats. They were so hard and fast; she thought that maybe it was the real version of her trying to break free, but she couldn't let her, it would've destroyed her whole life.

Quinn was sick of it; those thoughts took over her life, they were the only thing she could think about and she hated it!

She walked out of her car and towards Rachel's house to tell her that she didn't need any help and that she'd be fine. Five minutes and then she could go to sleep, that's what was on her mind.

Half way there, Quinn turned around; she thought she could just send her a message, no need to take a risk by knocking the door.

She almost got away with it.

"Quinn? Is that you?" Quinn sighed; nothing worked as she wanted, she needed to get used to it.

"Were you planning to leave?" The Jewish girl sounded somewhat hurt.

"No, I just forgot something in my car." Quinn turned around and met with big brown eyes.

Rachel threw the garbage bag she held and walked towards her. "No, you didn't." She tilted her head, "I don't want you to do it just because you have to, I really want to help and.." Suddenly the confident girl hesitated.

_"That's a first; since when Rachel Berry doesn't speak her mind?"_ It made Quinn a bit more nervous than she already was.

"What is it, Berry?" She turned her bitchiness on full force.

It probably worked, because the next thing she knew Rachel looked at her with some fear in her eyes.

"I.. Um.. It's just that.. It looks like you need a friend, a real one." Rachel stuttered like she had a gun pointing at her.

Quinn felt like someone had just punched her in her stomach and she hit a wall.

"How dare you?! You don't know anything about my life or about my friends!" Quinn was fuming. If she was honest with herself, she knew Rachel was dead right. "I knew it was a mistake, I'm out of here!"

Running away was easy to do, as well as pushing people away and ignore all of her problems. It's not like she didn't want intimate relationships with people, she actually was desperate for it, it's just that she couldn't let anyone get close.

In the time between turning to leave and Rachel grabbing her hand, Quinn felt the uncontrolled will to cut. She wanted to cut her flesh until all the pain went away.

"Don't run." That was all Rachel said and it prevented another one of those panic attacks. They were another thing she didn't get; since when did she had those?

* * *

One good thing that happened was that Rachel's parents weren't home; she was sure if they were she'd have gotten that panic attack.

They were on a sofa in Rachel's back yard, it wasn't too big, but well taken care of; there were flowers and a small vegetable garden.

Rachel brought them lemonade and they just sat in silence for a few minutes.

_"What am I suppose to say? 'I'm in love with my best friend, but my family will disown me if they know and God sees it as abomination so I hurt myself in hope to get better. Oh, and my best friend is dating my other best friend and I can barely contain my anger when I see or even think about the two of them."_

"I can almost hear the gears in your head spinning; maybe we should just get it over with before you'll faint." Rachel said in an attempt to light the mood.

Quinn's mouth was dry and she couldn't stop playing with her rings; she wasn't sure how to begin or from where or how much she was about to tell the other girl. Her heart pounded fast and her body was tense; every part of her body screamed at her to get the hell out of there.

"You don't have to say it all, just start with something." Rachel sat with her legs crossed in front of her and a tender smile on her lips.

She wanted so badly to let it all out; to yell that she was terrified of her strong feelings towards the Latina goddess and what could happen to her if her family found out and worst- what will God do to her when she'll reach his gates.

She was horrified when she thought about what would happen when she tell Rachel that she dreams about the same perfect girl every night and that cutting her body was like taking a drug; it calmed her down and, for a short time, made everything disappear.

How can you explain to a normal person that harming your own body is the only way to keep you from losing your sanity? That you _love_ staring at your scars at every chance, move your finger along them.. How the only time you can catch a break is in those few moments; when blood is dripping from your skin and the area burns that even a small breeze hurts you.

Rachel's hand on her knee brought her back from her intense thinking, "Please, Quinn, just say something. I promise I won't judge or tell anyone, I just want to help you feel better." Her voice was desperate it brought tears to Quinn's eyes.

Quinn closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath. It was cooler as the sun set, the air caressed her body and somehow made her even more nervous.

"I can't." Quinn's voice so quiet she thought that maybe she didn't really said it out loud.

Rachel didn't say anything for a few seconds, but then came up with an idea. "What do you say about me asking you questions? You can answer only the ones you want."

"I guess we can try.." Quinn's left leg was trembling on the floor; she knew Rachel noticed and she was grateful that she didn't comment on it.

"Ok then.." The girl seemed to concentrate on finding the right thing to ask; she pursed her lips and wrinkles covered her forehead. Quinn find it a little funny how serious she was about one question.

"Rachel, it would take us hours. Just ask something already!" _"Before I lose it and puke on you."_

"I just want to make sure I've got the right one." She whined, but quickly continued, "For how long have you been doing this?"

Their eyes were fixed to each other, but it actually took off some of the pressure.

"Um I'd say a couple of weeks or so.." Quinn couldn't keep her hands from moving.

"Why did you start?" Rachel kept a soothing voice and a calmed face.

"I can't.."

Rachel saw the panic in Quinn's eye; scared that the girl would shut down again, she immediately asked another question.

"Did someone do something to you?"

"No."

"Are you in danger?"

"No."

Rachel was really smart and had great observation skills, Quinn knew it wouldn't take her too much time to figure things out. She couldn't let her get too close

"As I said, you don't have to say anything you're not comfortable with so I'll drop it until you're ready to tell me more yourself." That sentence caught the blonde in complete shock; Rachel always needed to know everything about everyone and she told her she would wait for her to tell? Her world kept going crazy by every passing day.

"When was the last time you did it?" For a second or two, Rachel's eyes wandered to Quinn thighs.

With a shaken voice she told her it was two days.

"Did it help?"

Quinn felt like Rachel was sincerely interested and really cared about her; that was the only reason she kept sitting there, opening her heart and making herself vulnerable .

"For a while, yeah." Rachel nodded for her to continue. Quinn lowered her eyes from fear of how the girl was going to react, "I don't know how to explain, but it gives you a feeling that nothing is wrong and you're safe and protected."

When Quinn looked back up all she saw were tears that Rachel tried so hard not to let fall down and a warm smile.

Quinn expected her to laugh or to be disgusted or ask her to leave.. She expected anything _but_ what she saw in front of her. Just when she thought the girl couldn't surprised her anymore, she moved and with arms wide open took her in for the warmest hug she ever felt.

Rachel's arms were wrapped around her waist and her head rested on her shoulder; she didn't feel awkward and like she _had_ to return it, but soon enough she did. Quinn's hands laid carefully around Rachel's neck and she closed her eyes when her head touched the other girl's shoulder.

It wasn't forced or sexual in any way, it was comforting, like the brunet wanted her to _feel_ that she cared about her and was there.

Looking back, Quinn can easily say that this was the moment she knew Rachel Berry had a place in her heart forever. She didn't know her too well and it was their fifth conversation or something, but that hug connected them for life.

Quinn mumbled a thank you when they broke the hug.

There was a short silence; it wasn't awkward, more to give the girls time to understand what happened there.

Rachel was about to say something when she saw that Quinn's leg wasn't trembling anymore. She smiled and looked back to her eyes, "Can we try something?"

"Rach, it was just a hug." Quinn chuckled.

Rachel rolled her eyes and shook her head, "definitely not what I was about to say.." They giggled, "I just have an idea."

"Let's hear it." Quinn's body loosened up and she felt like she could breathe more freely.

"What if when you feel like you need to cut you'd call me? At any time, just give me a call and we can talk. We won't have to talk about the reason, _yet_, but I'll maybe help you get rid of the need.." Rachel scratched her cheek and bit her lip as she waited for Quinn's answer.

Quinn couldn't even thought this through because of the look Rachel gave her. _"I need to learn how to resist this look! How all the girls in my life know exactly how to make me say yes even when I should really refuse?!"_

"I'm not saying it's going to work, but let's try." Quinn smiled. Rachel jumped on her, clutching at her forearm and squeal from happiness. "Girl, calm down! I don't want to lose my arm because of a crazy Jewish girl."

Rachel frowned, but let go, "I'm just excited! I want to sing, let's sing together!"

"No, no way!" Quinn got up from the sofa.

"C'mon, Quinn! It'll be so much fun! Let's sing.." Rachel followed her.

"No singing, Rachel!" Quinn had a warning look, but her voice was soft.

"What happened to 'Rach'?" The brunet pouted.

"You don't deserve it when you're trying to force me to sing." Quinn giggled and then she burst out when she saw Rachel considering what was her best option.

"Shut up." She nudged her shoulder, "What do you say about dinner at 'Breadstix'?"

"Let's go, _Rach_!"

* * *

"You're the most stubborn person I've ever met." Quinn pretended to be annoyed, but had a smile on her face.

"Like it's new to you." Rachel nudged her softly, "I really think it'd be perfect."

They walked side by side from Quinn's car to the entrance of 'Breadstix'. When Rachel heard Quinn humming 'Marry me' with the radio in the car, she tried non stop to convince her to join the glee club; Quinn told her that she can't really sing and she can't because of the 'cheerios' and everything else that came into her mind, but Rachel insisted. She argued that, as the head cheerleader, she can make Sue agree somehow and that they need someone who can dance so they'd have a chance of winning. The girl did everything, but kneeling, to try to make Quinn say yes to her.

Quinn did like the idea of singing and dancing as a part of that big group and she already knew and liked them. She might have been innocent and troubled, but manipulative was a big part of her as well back then; she planned to tell her parents that it was a part of Sue's mission and that it could help her with the college registration forms. To Sue she said that her parents made her and it can be a scam for her advantage.

"Please, Quinn! We only have Mike to save us with the dancing, we need you to make it! Say yes!" Rachel kept begging when they entered the restaurant; tugging her sleeve and pouting.

"Fine, just stop! Jesus Christ, how does Finn put up with you?!" Quinn gently pushed her and smirked.

"He loves me and so will you, very soon!" She said casually as they sat in one of the booths.

"I doubt that." Quinn chuckled and earned a kick from Rachel. "Ouch! What was that for?!"

"Behave!" Rachel hadn't even removed her eyes from the menu.

"I'm not a _dog,_ _Rachel_."

"Maybe not, but you need to have manners."

"Good evening ladies, are you ready to order?" The waiter said to them.

Quinn turned to look at him, but her eyes caught an unpleasant view; Santana and Puck were sitting close at the same side of the booth, it looked like they've been talking about something important. Whatever it was about, Quinn didn't think it justified them in each other personal space.

"Quinn!" Rachel, once again, brought her back from her thoughts.

"Sorry. I'll have the Alfredo, thank you."

Quinn brought back her attention to Rachel, but quickly interrupted.

"Well, hello. How nice it is to see you here." Quinn felt the smirk on her face before she even looked at her.

"Santana, Puck! You're here too? How nice." Rachel was enthusiastic, but Quinn lost her appetite. "Care to join us?"

"I think they're a little busy." Quinn glared at Santana. "Ouch! Really, Rach? Again?!" She looked angry at Rachel; yeah, she didn't know that because of that girl Quinn's life were in such a mess, however she must've felt the tension. Or was it just between them?

"The more the merrier." Rachel made room for Puck to sit after he brought his and Santana's plates.

"Thank you, my Jewish princess." Puck smirked at Rachel.

"You need to stop calling me that." She sent him a pretty scary look.

Meanwhile, Quinn stared at the table, discomfort was an understatement for what she felt. It was stupid of her to come to Santana's third favorite place on earth. She was caught up in the moment with Rachel and created a trap for herself. She felt the latinas' eyes on her and eventually she faced her; brown eyes full of sadness, anger and questions were looking right at her hazel ones, searching for clues she would never give.

"Sorry for ruining your date." Quinn said coldly.

Santana chuckled and rolled her eyes, "Should I say the same?" She raised her eyebrow and glanced at Rachel who was talking to Puck.

Quinn shook her head and returned her look to the simple drawing on the table.

"What are you doing here with _her_?" Santana sent her a challenging look.

When Quinn didn't answer, Santana clutched her right hand, the one that was on the sofa and hissed "You pushed me away when I tried to help, you ignored my texts when I only asked about your health and now you don't even look at me. What's going on? I was worried sick about you."

Quinn tensed up and gritted her teeth. She took a step forward that day, but running into _her_ and that situation felt like 10 steps back.

"What are you doing here with her? What the fuck is happening?!"

Santana was stronger than her, therefore she couldn't have gotten her hand free. Moreover, Quinn was trapped; Santana blocked her way out from the booth and Puck and Rachel were right in front of them, chatting like nothing happened.

"Rachel and I are friends and we came here to eat dinner." Quinn hissed back at her, "We agreed to some time apart, why are you acting crazy?!"

"I'm acting crazy?! I was worried something happened to you, I wanted to help and here you are having fun and shit." Santana was upset, but her hold on Quinn's hand was soft. "It was supposed to be a time to heal our friendship, not for you to replace me. Us." She corrected herself.

"So I was supposed to sit in my room until I come to the conclusion that I can't live without you and everything return to normal?! I'm not sure I want to be around you after tonight." Words just came out of her mouth without her thinking them though. She felt the cold air hit her warm hand.

"What?" Santana Lopez stuttered.

"Don't you need to be somewhere else? Not with Puck but with your other best_ friend_ perhaps?" Quinn whispered even quieter.

"I'm not cheating." she murmured.

"I'm not the one needing convincing."

"It doesn't sound like that.." Santana was getting really annoyed, but kept her voice down.

"What?" Quinn arched an eyebrow, but nervousness filled her body.

"Forget it." Santana ran her hand in her hair.

"If you have something to say just do it." Not knowing and coming up with answers would've been much worst than Santana actually telling her what she meant.

"Do you have a problem with me being here with Puck?" Again, those eyes were on her.

"I can ask the same thing."

"Girls, is everything ok?" Rachel looked curious, Puck on the other hand gave Santana a warning look.

"Just peachy." Santana rolled her eyes.

The four teenagers ate their dinner with some tension and question floating in their heads. Rachel and Puck kept the conversation going and saved the girls from even more awkwardness than necessary. Quinn felt that the girl next to her was agitated, sometimes she glanced at her all of her feelings on her face. It was unusual for Santana to show them like that and it made Quinn uncomfortable and unsafe.

_"I'm sick, like sick without a cure; we're in some sort of fight or whatever and I can't shake the thought of how beautiful she looks. That little frown she has because things aren't going her way, her eyes clearly focusing on random things because her mind is too busy analyzing what's going on and she's trying so hard to occupy her mouth so she won't say things that she shouldn't. Why do I lo.."_

"Do you mind?" She tried to sound angry, but it came out kind soft.

Busted!

"Sorry."

When they finally left the restaurant Quinn breathed normally. Before she got into her car she had to take one last look to where the other two went; she saw Puck grab Santana's forearm and it looked like they were arguing.

The music in her car and Rachel's voice interrupted her. She told herself she didn't care and got Rachel home.

* * *

After a hot shower, Quinn decided to go on the internet for a little while. Her parents were asleep and her sister was on the phone with her recent boyfriend, which meant that she had a quiet night.

With her headphones on, blasting PATD's recent record, Quinn scrolled down on 9gag. Just when the thoughts of Santana came crawling, Quinn got a message on Facebook.

Sam Evens: _"Yo, Q!"_

Quinn Fabray: _"Yo?! Did you fall and hit your head?"_

Sam Evens: _"XDD JK."_

_"What's up?"_

Quinn Fabray: _"Just chilling.. What about you? How was it with Mike and Finn?"_

Sam Evens: _"Mike helped us with some moves and then I kicked their asses at COD."_

Quinn Fabray: _"Psh Sam the man! XDD"_

Sam Evens: _"That's right!"_

_"So are the rumors of you joining us are true?"_

Quinn Fabray: _"Berry had announced that already? I said I'll check it out."_

Sam Evens: _"You know Rachel, she probably has you all set in the numbers already ;)"_

Quinn Fabray: _"Oh no! I'm doomed! Is there a way out?"_

Sam Evens: _"Once you say yes to Rachel and join the club, there is no way. Your in glee for LIFE! -Evil laugh-"_

Quinn Fabray: _"LOL You're such a nerd!"_

Sam Evens: _"That's how you call the person who saved your life today? Not nice!"_

Quinn Fabray: _"I'm sorry, I'm forever grateful for the brave act you did!"_

_"And by brave I mean taking me to the nurse and almost fainting"_

Sam Evens: _"You think you're so funny.. XD"_

Quinn Fabray: _"Careful Mr. Evens :P"_

_"Well I'm off to sleep, I'll see you tomorrow. Good night."_

_Sam Evens: "Good night, sweet dreams."_

Quinn turned off her computer, brushed her teeth and went to bed. She fell asleep fast, but jolted up when her dream was too much; she was on the stage at her school and it was full of people, she stood there with the glee club behind her and suddenly Santana came up, wrapped her hands around her shoulder and kissed her. She didn't want to wake up, it was good and felt _so _right. But reality hit her hard; she was in her bed, alone and scared. Her heart wanted Santana so much it hurt and her mind kept telling her that she was sick or possessed or confused.. Anything but normal.

She couldn't close her eyes because the images flicked in her mind, but when she was awake she couldn't stop thinking how real it felt and about all of the things that happened lately and every single word she spoken. Regret . She regretted everything.

Tears fell down from her eyes to her chin and to the floor as she walked to her bathroom.

Quinn had her blade on one side of the sink and her phone on another. She knew she'd promised to call Rachel, but it was too hard to actually deliver; what was she supposed to say? She couldn't tell her the truth and she was too scared to even admit to having the need.

It was 2:17 am and Quinn didn't want to wake up Rachel, _"it's stupid, I only need a small relief, then I'll be able to sleep.. I don't need to wake her for that."_

But something stopped her and for a split second she had the courage to make the call.

After five rings and a second away from Quinn hanging up, Rachel answered in a raspy voice, "Hello, you reached Rachel Barbra Berry."

Quinn giggled, "Even when you sleep? That's weird, Rach."

"Quinn?!" She heard muffled sounds and Rachel's voice once again, "What's going on?"

Quinn didn't think it through and the line went silent. Open up, trust people, admit things weren't things Quinn could've done, it terrified her and made her heart race. She wanted to cut and make it all go away, to not feel at all.

"Hey, everything will be ok. Just tell me if you cut or not." Rachel managed to be focused and sensitive, even though she was just being woken up.

"No." Quinn's mouth was dry and her hands were shaking.

"Good. You want to tell me what caused the need?" Rachel was careful and sweet, but Quinn couldn't say those words.

Quinn whispered a simple 'no' and played with the blade.

"I don't want you to hurt yourself." Rachel breathed heavily, "I know you want to push whatever this is aside or make it disappeared, but it won't. You'll feel good for now, but the pain will wait for you around the corner. You are a beautiful and amazing person, you don't need to ruin your skin. Nothing and no one is worth hurting yourself for."

"I can't.. I need it." Quinn's voice was broken; she hated to be so weak in front of someone, but it was too hard to keep it inside.

"I understand, but it'll only build up over time and some day, tomorrow, in the next two years or fifty, and you'll have to face it. It's already taking a toll, you need to stop letting it control you; listen to music, scream into a pillow or talk to me all night..Just don't feed it."

"What if it's the only way?" Quinn was on the floor, with her legs against her chest, and snivelled.

"It's the only way to self destruct and _you_ _need_ to get better. You're a strong girl, I'm sure you can deal with it. And you have friends who support you, even if they don't know the whole story."

Quinn felt disgusting, she wanted to hang up and somehow erase that conversation. She knew and wanted to get better and be normal, but being exposed was frightening.

"I know it's difficult, but you already ahead of where you were yesterday morning! I promise you things are going to be just fine. You need to take care of your body and we can work together on the other thing." If Quinn's mind was clear she would've detected that Rachel's words held more than a simple encouragement.

After another half an hour, Rachel succeeded to vanish the urge off of Quinn's mind and make the blond stop crying. The girls were tired and said good night. Before Quinn closed her eyes she got a text from Rachel, asking her if she was really fine. When she told her to go back to dreamland, Quinn closed her eyes and slept peacefully through the rest of the night.

* * *

Quinn was both excited and nervous, it was her first day in the glee club. She sat between Rachel and Sam and talked to Mercedes behind her.

Everyone was happy that she joined, especially Mike, he needed another person who knew how to dace and choreograph. She was in her uniform, but no one seemed to care.

Mr. Shue came in with his huge grin and cheerful attitude, he spotted her right away and his smile grew even more.

"Hey, Guys!" He stood in front of them, "Quinn, I'm happy to see you joined our family and I know that with your talent our chances got much better."

Quinn blushed and said thank you. Finally something went right in her life; the glee club was sort of a fresh start, a safe place.

"Let's get to it, this week we're going country.."

"Mr. Shue, it's not polite to welcome only one of the new members. Don't we deserve some kind words as well?" Santana stood at the door with a big smirk and a smug face.

Everyone's was in shock when Santana, Brittany and Puck took a seat.

After a few seconds Mr. Shue spoke, "Wow what a great day! I hope you guys are serious because, with you, this group is going to be fantastic! Welcome!" He was the only one who was pleased with them for joining.

But only Quinn was shaken in her chair; she knew they didn't come there to sing or dance, she saw Santana's satisfied look.

She had celebrated too fast. Her safe place had become a war zone and she was already close to giving up.

* * *

I'm going to speed things up a little because I want to get to a certain point, so tell me if I need to pour some light on something.

**Thank you SO, SO much for every single alert, favorite and review. I appreciate it :)**

My beta's Tumblr: **shesjustagirlxo.**


	10. Best friend or a stranger?

Can it be an update? ;)

Please don't kill me, I promise changes are on their way.

I want to respond to every review, but I don't want to say too much and ruin it. It's amazing to read your reactions and speculations, thank you so much. Try not to hate Santana, but I'll let the story explain why.

* * *

Quinn came to peace with going to jail for killing Brittany; she knew it would be tough and filthy, but it could've been worth it if it meant she wouldn't touch Santana ever again.

She was aware that she had no right to feel that way and that she was being ridiculous; Brittany was special and it was impossible to be mad at her and if she made Santana happy, Quinn couldn't complain and she certainly couldn't and wouldn't do anything about it.

With that being said, it was extremely difficult for her to be with both of them in that situation, especially with what happened in the last two weeks.

Since that day in the choir room, the girls kept the space between them; no more texts, no talking, no sitting next to each other. Sometimes Quinn caught Santana looking at her, but the girl looked right away. She also saw weird conversations between Puck, Brittany and Santana; she didn't hear the exchange of words, but the way they looked and being secretive made her intrigued.

Not interacting with her best friends, the ones she used to spend most of her time with and loved so deeply, was a burden on her effort to get better. On the other hand, it gave her the opportunity to actually work on her issues.

Her and Rachel spent almost every day with each other, either talking on the phone or spending time at different places. The 'middle of the night call' event happened a few times more; Quinn called Rachel, who was getting used to it and was even more focused, cried and didn't say much. Rachel was like her guardian angel; always by her side, not pushing her to speak and saying the right thing.

The friendship wasn't perfect; Rachel being Rachel, she always wanted to sing or watch musicals, anything that had something to do with music. When that happened, Quinn got up and left the place or hung up. It made Rachel so mad [and Quinn loved every second], but it worked, most of the time, and the subject was changed.

With Sam things were more on the friendly side; they went to the cinema, played video games, hung out with the rest of the group. They did try to get closer; they kissed a few times and cuddled, but Quinn always ended it and deflected, she never agreed to talk about their relationship.

With the club everything was better than she expected; it wasn't just a bunch of kids singing songs, they were great friends and they actually learned and coped with a lot with the help of music.

Mr. Shue asked Mike, Brittany, Santana and her to work together on the choreography for the next competition; that was when Quinn discovered just how much jealous she could get. They partnered up; Mike and her and Brittany with Santana. She and the girls didn't talk, the communication was done through Mike and it worked pretty well.

That until the girls said they should step up and make it more sensual; hands were everywhere, body part rubbing against other parts, sweat dripping from the strain and clothes were quickly thrown away.

Santana's skin was glistening as she moved on the auditorium's stage and Quinn's eyes almost popped out. The shorter blond did the best she could to pay attention to Mike, but seeing the girl she wanted so much with another killed her.

Brittany was so elegant and graceful, her hands moved on Santana's like silk and they were synchronized perfectly together. They completed each other.

Quinn watched the girls talk and laugh without her. The intimacy was obvious and, like knives, it tore Quinn's heart.

Not able to take it anymore, after two and a half hours, Quinn stopped, "I think we've done enough, we have most of the routines. I think we should wrap it up."

"Why? Your boy toy is waiting for you?" Santana sneered, not exactly at her.

As desperate as she was for the girl, Quinn knew it would've been a bad idea to say something back. Instead, she took her stuff and walked out.

* * *

Quinn was in a rush to get out of school that she bumped into Sam; she would've fallen if she hadn't reacted as fast as he did and catch her.

"Wow, slow down."

"Sorry, Sam." He let go of her and she straightened the wrinkles on her skirt. "What are you still doing here?"

"Some guys stayed to play basketball. I was on my out when I remembered you're here and came to say hey."

"Oh how romantic!" Santana scoffed and made a puking gesture as she and Brittany got closer to the two.

Quinn rolled her eyes and took Sam's hand in hers.

"I was right, huh?" Santana ran her hand in her hair, "What is it about you, Sammy boy, that got _Quinnie_ so hooked?"

Feeling Sam's body tense up next to her, Quinn's anxiety went into full mode. Staying away from each other was ok, why did Santana have to ruin it?

Sam mumbled something, but he couldn't get a proper sentence under Santana's eyes. Brittany whispered to Santana to not do that, that they should leave and to stop, but the girl stood firm in her place.

"What was that?" Santana smirked, "did you pop her cherry, yet?"

"Santana!" Both Quinn and Brittany exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, guys.." Brittany pushed Santana away from there with an apologizing look. When the girls were far enough for Quinn to hear, Brittany seemed to reprimand her; Santana brushed her off and sped up out of the school.

"Ugh she's such a..." Quinn was beyond mad, but before she could rant she saw Sam's face and her heart stopped.

"Quinn.."

She needed to say something, anything, to make him stop talking.

"Forget about it; let's go grab something to eat." Quinn took his hand and started to walk, but he stopped her.

"I think we should talk." He sounded serious, his face still looked relaxed, but it was obvious he was about to say the one thing Quinn was most afraid of.

"We don't, let's just go."

Quinn preferred someone to shoot her than Sam saying those words. It wasn't fair of her to drag him along, but she was horrified for the words to come out. She wasn't ready to speak about it, actually she wanted more than anything for it to go away.

Looking in his knowing eyes made it hard to breath and her palms sweaty. Quinn stepped backwards; like if she won't hear it then it wasn't true and he didn't really know the most vulnerable thing about her. He didn't know she was a sinner.

"Quinn? Calm down, it's just a talk.." Sam tried to grab her hand, but Quinn pushed him away and ran as fast as her legs could carry her.

* * *

She pushed through the school's doors. When she was out she almost fell down from how fast she stopped; she saw Brittany's hands wrapped around Santana and the brunet's face buried in her neck. It was like God put her through hell on purpose, forced her to see how life as a sinner is unbearable.

She walked to her car with her eyes fixed on the girls; the movements of Brittany's hands on Santana's back were like someone pure acid in her throat. Her heart begged her to go over there and tear Santana out of her blonde friend's arms and yell "she belongs to me!". Quinn wanted to be the one to comfort her, to be her rock.. But she shouldn't have wanted that, it was wrong.

Tears streamed down her face when she started her car and drove away from there. From the truth she was so afraid of.

* * *

"What the hell, Q?! You look like.." He was startled when he opened the door.

"Shut up!" She brushed some tears so she could see clearer, "You have what I asked?"

He knew it was a bad idea and that he really shouldn't give it to her; Santana would hang him from his balls and leave him to die, besides, Quinn looked like shit and he was scared for her. But he was more afraid that she would've killed him if he'd said 'no' so he just gave her what she wanted.

"If you tell a soul I was here, I swear to rip your head off. Am I clear enough?" Quinn growled at him and snatched the bag from his hands.

He nodded and watched her get back in her car and drive off.

* * *

Quinn lay on the grass with her eyes closed, the wind tickled her body. Her phone was in the car so she didn't know how long she was there and no one interrupted her.

_"What did I do wrong? I never wanted that so why isn't god taking it from me? Why doesn't he just make me stop wanting her so much? This almighty god enjoys giving people challenges they're destined to fail? I don't get it! Why do you do this to me?! I want to live a normal and peaceful life, but you keep testing and punishing me for something that's out of my hands!"_ Quinn sighed heavily, _"tell me what to do and I will. But I can't do it alone, my feelings for her get stronger every day."_ she muttered.

Quinn didn't care that the tears didn't stop washing her face; nothing mattered at that point because she thought that her life was over. Sam knew about her, Rachel knew about something else, she couldn't talk to anyone and, she thought, that soon enough it'd get to her parents. If that were to happen Quinn had two, horror scenarios- Either her parents would send her to some reparative therapy camp or kick her out to the street. She couldn't let it happen.

Quinn couldn't understand how other people accept it so easily, she couldn't think of anything worse than that.

Then she thought about the girl who started all of that.

The girl that, even though it destroyed her life, she couldn't stop admiring and long for.

They were friends, best friends forever and she never thought they'd end up like that. It was funny that all three of them liked girls in some way, what were the chances?

Quinn refused to ever think about the past and she had good reason; Santana and her used to cuddle at sleepovers up until high school, they used to sit on one of their beds and snuggle, they were each others first priority [before their family, other friends, boys..]. At that time it was them being them, nothing out of the ordinary. But when Quinn thought about it, that day on the grass, she realized how wrong they were and for how long. She also got why her body craved Santana; she was constantly with her and what she was going through was similar to withdrawls.

*Flashback- age 12*

_There was a terrible storm in Lima; the snow got to their knees, the rain didn't stop for a second and the wind tore trees from the ground._

_That day Quinn was at Santana's house; they'd met up to do homework and just hang out. Victoria told them that it wasn't safe to go out in that weather so Quinn had to stay the night. The girls, of course, were thrilled and planned the rest of their night._

_After they ate dinner, they went back to Santana's room and watched a movie._

_"Santana, turn down the volume, I can't understand anything."_

_"No, it gives us the effect like we're in the cinema."_

_Quinn tried to take the remote from Santana, but she succeeded to keep her hold on it._

_"Is that because of the thunders?" Quinn asked cautiously, she knew how sensitive the other girl was about the subject._

_"phs no.." Santana scratched her nose._

_Quinn grinned and kept watching the movie, with the volume still high._

_Later that night, Quinn woke up because Santana kept moving. The blond was tired, she just crawled next to her and wrapped her tightly in her arms. Santana stiffened, but shortly after relaxed in Quinn's arms. Quinn stayed up with Santana; with every clap of thunder she tightened her hold on the girl and heard her breathing change from fast to normal every couple of minutes. She planted a few soft kisses on her neck and said soft words in her ear until she felt her breathing even out and she fell asleep._

_In the time before she fell asleep herself, Quinn breathed Santana's scent and just absorbed the moment that will become one of the best moments in her life._

*End of flashback*

Once again, the thought of 'how can something feel so right and yet be so wrong' took over.

At that moment Quinn hoped that that place would be where she die and those last breaths would've been her last.

Then something she'd never thought would happen happened; Quinn felt a hand on her face, brushing the tears from her eyes. She jumped and opened her eyes to see the first and last person she wanted with her.

"What the hell?!" Quinn hissed, but then she saw the gentle look on her face and regretted it immediately.

"That's my question to ask, what are you doing here, Q? And with that?" She held the bag Puck gave Quinn.

"That's none of your business. What are you doing here?" She stood up and turned on her HBIC attitude.

"I saw you drive like a crazy person from the school parking lot so I went to Froggy lips, to ask him what he done. He was useless, as always.." Santana talked with her hands and Quinn rolled her eyes, "Then I got a text from Puck.."

"That asshole!" Quinn said under her breath.

"Don't worry; I took good care of him. Let's just say I'm not sure he will be able to have children." Santana smirked and they giggled.

Quinn was the one who broke the uncomfortable silence, "How did you know where I was?"

Santana averted her eyes from Quinn's and the blonde could've sworn she saw her cheeks get a shade of red, but it was hard to tell due to Santana's skin tone.

"After Sam told me you ran and Puck told me about that," She waved the bag, "I wanted to make sure you're alright.." She said shyly.

Quinn raised her eyebrow and smirked, "You worried about little old me?"

"Don't start with me, Fabray" Santana glared at her, but had a hint of a smile on her lips.

Quinn giggled at her, at how adorable she was. "But how did you find me _here_?"

"This is where we used to come to play hide and seek, when we were kids." Santana said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Quinn huffed and smile, "I should've known.."

Then, Santana came close to her and examined her eyes. The closeness after so long did it's thing; Quinn felt her body go in flames as Santana's breath hit her face. She flicked her eyes, for a split second, to Santana's lips; she had to, it was åuncontrollable. When she returned her eyes to Santana's, she saw the girl with a tensed look, like she tried to reach something inside of her. Quinn's heart never beat so fast and she had to chew her inner cheek so she won't close the gap.

Quinn faked a coughed and they parted.

"What are you.." Quinn asked in a quiet voice.

"Wanted to check if you used any of that shit." It was still awkward between them; Quinn even felt her ears burning.

"You can, but I can't?" She felt the need to keep the conversation going.

"Exactly; you're pure, you don't need it." Again with the shyness that Quinn couldn't understand, she was surprised that Santana could even get shy.

Quinn played with her hand, while Santana played with the hem of her shirt, both girls wanted to be like they used to, but they knew that there was too much baggage that needed to be solved.

Quinn's mind drifted to what she was thinking about before Santana came and it freaked her out. Plus, the fact that it was so easy for them to go back to they way they were.

_She_ was the problem, at least that's what she thought; she fell for her gorgeous and _taken_ best friend and kept distanced and closed herself.

"Talk to me, Q" Santana put her hand on Quinn's arm.

The blond flinched, "Don't touch me!"

"We can't keep doing that; have some moments and then act like we never knew each other."

"We don't have _moments_ and I told you, I need time." It was so cold that she could've frozen hell.

Santana was frustrated and sighed, "To become BFF with Rachel? I can see that you're going through something, I'm your best friend, just talk to me." It was almost desperate.

Best friends; that was all they were all they'll ever be and Quinn had to focus on that. They could've never been anything but friends, she had to get it in her head and let go of that stupid crush.

Even if she could've put her feelings aside, Quinn wasn't sure she could go back to what they were.

"Things change, as you know." It was harsh and despite everything that she experienced on the inside, Quinn kept a straight face.

"Fuck, Quinn! I like girls, ok? It's only a part of who _I am_, it doesn't define me. I don't ask you to change your beliefs, only to accept that small part of me as you accepted everything else." Santana tried to keep calm and be reasonable, but it became a difficult task.

Quinn was with her back to Santana and she froze.

_"I like girls.. I like girls.. I like girls.."_ It echoed in her ears and her mouth went dry. It was harder and harder to breath, especially with the Latina's eyes glued to her back.

"Don't you get that it hurts me to see you so close to strangers? You can't throw years of friendship away just like that and go to other people, I won't let you."

Quinn subbed, but stayed quiet; she tried to gather enough strength to not have a panic attack so she could leave.

"You do this on purpose?" Santana's hands wrapped around her waist as she whispered, "You want to hurt me?"

Quinn's body seemed to stop working; she couldn't move and barely breathed. At first, she gasped at the touch, but then felt something new. Santana's breath on her neck, her hands on her body and her breasts pressed on her back sent a jolt of warmth to her core.

_"Am I...? It can't be. I can't function, I want to run.. How can I be turned on?! What do you want from me, god?! Just put me out of my misery, please, I can't take it._"

Quinn shook her head and wished the girl would've left her so she could pull herself together and get the hell out of there.

"No? So you're really friends with Man hands and all those losers? Nothings going on with you, you just can't stand that your best friend like girls?" Santana's hands slightly hurt her, but it was good.

_"I'm so twisted; I actually enjoy her tight hold on my body.. What's wrong with me?! Why I'm such a_ _freak?!"_

Quinn was disgusted with herself, she hated herself so much for her desire. In her mind, a normal person doesn't get turned on by pain and certainly when it's a person of the same gender that gives that pain. She was so disturbed that she pushed herself from Santana and turned around. She saw the fear in Santana's eyes; she struggled not to push the girl on the ground and tear off her clothes.

She had to leave..

"Q? Quinn!" Santana screamed behind her, but Quinn ran to her car and started it. Santana knocked on her window, but Quinn stared straight and pressed the gas.

Once again, Quinn left Santana. But that time, Santana was all alone to deal with the confusion, heartbreak and fear for her best friend.

* * *

Quinn went to the only place she could've thought of. She parked her car and walked towards the door; her breathing was short, so short that not enough oxygen got into her lungs.

It was late at night and hours after she drove away from the girl that turned her world upside down. Still, she knocked on the door and hoped that the right person would answer.

The light on the first floor turned on and the door opened.

"Yeah?" Rachel said in a raspy voice as she cleaned her eyes from the sleep.

"Rach.." Quinn was broken.

Rachel stormed at her once she saw the blood socked shirt and pants.

"Oh my god, Quinn!" Rachel was in utter panic.

* * *

Share your thoughts and also, do you think Quinn is going to tell Rachel?

For ranting, asking questions or sharing thoughts- lesbianShips on Tumblr.

'till next time.


	11. Oceandust

Quick update! It's more a filler chapter as a preparation for what's ahead.

The chapter's song: Oceandust by Hands like houses.

* * *

Rachel brought Quinn straight to the bathroom. Usually, the brunette was in control and kept her coolness in a stressful situation, but what was in front of her was far from being regular.

Quinn sat on the toilet seat and held her chest because she was hyperventilating. She saw Rachel heading towards the door and stressed even more.

"Wh-Where A-A-Are you going?" Quinn's eyes were swollen from hours of crying and her face was red. She didn't want to be left alone, she needed Rachel to be there with her.

"To get my dads, someone needs to check.." She was surprised when Quinn raised to her feet and hit the door close. She ran to her side when Quinn's breathing was even worse than before.

"I'm here, I'm here; I'm not going anywhere." Rachel helped the blond back down and caressed her back. "Shush, you'll be fine. Take long, deep breaths and clear your head." She knew she had to do something fast to help Quinn to relax. In spite of her insecurity and fears, Rachel collected herself.

"I c-can't." Quinn's eyes scanned the room.

"You can; you're safe here and I'm right next to you."

"He's everywhere; he keeps sending her to me." Quinn felt like she was holding the end of a cliff and her hands got tired of the grip.

"Who are you talking about? Did someone hurt you?" Rachel feared of Quinn's state of mind and she knew the responsible thing was to wake her dads, but she didn't want to upset the girl more.

Rachel got that she wouldn't get the full story when the girl was still mentally in the moment; she needed to get her out of there and she knew how.

"Quinn, can you listen to me?" Rachel spoke slowly and when she saw Quinn's wide pupils looking at her she continued, "I think a warm shower would help you. What do you say I'll help you clean up and then we can go to lay in my bed?"

Quinn lowered her head; her clothes were stained in blood and her lower stomach and thighs were full of scars, furthermore she was extremely self conscious about her body.

"Don't worry; I'll just help you get undressed and go to get you some clothes." Rachel stood and reached her arm.

Quinn lifted her arms and Rachel pulled her shirt off. The blonde bit her lip and looked to the side; being exposed, especially after everything she did to her body, wasn't easy. She felt Rachel's eyes on her red, covered with blood, skin, but the brunet didn't say one thing.

After her pants were off, Rachel caressed her thighs. The shorter girl was actually happy that the wounds were superficial.

"Rach.." Quinn whispered; she stood in her underwear and bra and it wasn't comfortable for her at all.

"I'm sorry, I'll leave you.."

Quinn caught her hand before she opened the door, "When you get back.. Can you, like, stay with me?" Rachel's shower had curtains so it was safe.

Rachel nodded and went to grab something for Quinn to wear. In the meantime, Quinn washed her body from the dried blood.

Twenty minutes later the girls were in Rachel bed; both on their back, starting at the ceiling.

"Quinn.."

"I can't."

"You've progressed so much, don't go back now."

"I already did, I ruined everything." Quinn sighed.

"And here you are, trying to fix it. I guessed something happened that triggered it, can you tell me what?"

"No." Quinn breathed out.

"You said something about someone and that he keep sending _her_.." Rachel heard Quinn gasp, "I want to help, but I need you to help me understand."

"I can't talk about it." The darkness helped her from having another attack, it gave her a sense of security.

"Ugh, fine.." Rachel sighed, then decided to try another approach, "Can I ask something?"

"I'm not sure."

"What's going on with you and Santana?" Quinn's heart pounded; she couldn't get how others can see it on her, she wasn't obvious.. Right?

Quinn gulped; she wasn't sure if Rachel _knew_ or if she was paranoid.

"W-what do you mean?"

"I just thought, that with everything going on, you'd go to her, but it seemed like you drifted apart. And Santana doesn't look happy that you spend time with us..."

"Ah well, we have differences about some things.." Quinn had to hold herself to not cry, "We kind of going on separate ways.."

"Does she know?"

"No, she has her own problems to deal with."

The girls remained silent, each in her own thoughts. To tell the truth, Quinn was tired of everything; Santana, her family, expectation. God. She didn't know what god's plan for her or what twisted game Santana was playing, she started to understand that her parents would never be satisfied with her.

That night was the low point; if it wasn't for Rachel, she'd have killed herself or, at least, end up in a hospital. She couldn't let it happen again, she thought, she couldn't let the darkness take over.

Maybe she had to hit rock bottom to make a change in her life. Whatever it was, Quinn knew she couldn't keep going down that hill. It was time for a change.

"Rach, you still up?"

"Yes."

"I have panic attacks; I only had a few, but I feel like I'm always on the verge of another. I think I know why they keep happening and what I can do to.." Quinn tried to find the right word, "Minimize them, but I'm not ready."

"I'll be here when you do." Rachel squeezed her hand, "I think you know it needs to stop so I'm counting on you. Just know I would never judge or say anything."

Were things really about to change?

* * *

She had no choice, her bag was at home and she had to go get it. Rachel waited in the car, while Quinn went inside her house to face her family.

Quinn tiptoed to her room, but of course they noticed her.

"Quinn! Where the hell have you been?!" Her father's deep voice stopped her heart.

The rest of the family sat at the table and ate breakfast, as usual. When she came in, her father immediately walked towards her, but her mother and sister stayed and talked amongst themselves.

"Answer me! Were you with a boy?! I didn't raise a slut..."

"Father, I only fall asleep at Rachel'sl. We did a project for school and it got late."

"Rachel?" He thought for a second, "I don't like you been there, her family isn't normal and I don't want them to infect you."

"Daddy," Quinn gathered the 'daddy's girl' powers she had; her dad was a difficult person to deal with, but as his little girl she had some [very small] power over him. "I know her family lives in a sin, but that's not her fault. I go over there to study and study only. I want to get good grades."

"You're too compassionate, my dear.." Russell shook his head, "This was the last time you go out without permission. We have rules to keep you safe and you must follow them."

"Yes, dad."

"I'm happy that you spend time with that boy Sam and concentrate on your study, instead of wasting your time with those filthy girls."

Russell nodded; she hoped he would let her go because she wasn't in the mood for a lecture.

"Now, go to school." He signed her with his hand.

"Frannie.."

"She has a ride, go on."

Quinn took her bag from her room and got back to the car.

* * *

"I have an amazing idea, but I'll tell you with the rest." Rachel was exited.

Quinn sighed, "You know I hate when you do this; tell me all or don't tell me anything."

"But I want you to be surprised!" Rachel whined

"I don't think you get the concept of 'surprise'" Quinn laughed.

They parked and walked to the school.

"If it includes singing in any form, just don't."

"Just so you know, I can enjoy other things." Rachel said with confidence and got a skeptic look from Quinn.

"Hey girls." Sam greeted them; he had a smile on his face, but his eyes told another story.

"Sam! I have an idea, but I need the whole club."

"That's awesome, Rach. Can I borrow Quinn while you find everyone?"

"Of course, meet you up in the chorus room." Rachel yelled as she ran to find the rest of the glee club.

"Sam.." Quinn didn't know what to say, she was extremely nervous.

"I'm glad to see that you're ok, I was worried." He hugged her.

Quinn felt awkward; he wanted to tell her something, she ran and ignored him and then he hugged her? What was she supposed to do?

"I'm sorry.."

"No, it's fine." Sam smiled and they walked to her locker.

"I know we're not together and maybe it's not my place." Here it is; Quinn took a deep breathes to prevent any anxiety reaction. "But I care about you so I'm just going to say it, try not to laugh.." Huh? Quinn was confused; why would she laugh when Sam will tell her that he know about her feelings?

"I Think Santana has feelings for you. There, I said it." Sam muttered.

At first, Quinn was sure she didn't hear right, then she couldn't believe he actually said it. She was relieved it wasn't what she thought, but that didn't make any sense! Santana? Had feelings for her? Quinn's hand was shaking as she held the looker's lock; her head was spinning from the over thinking.

"Y-you don't know what you're talking about." She tried to laugh it off, but her voice was stressed.

"I knew you wouldn't believe me, but I really think it's true."

"W-why?" They walked slowly to class. Quinn tried to play it cool, but she wasn't ready for it.

"I saw the way she looks at you; nothing is different, but her eyes speak for her. And she's jealous when we're together, she hates me with no apparent reason."

"Santana doesn't need a reason and she's possessive about what's hers, it doesn't mean anything." Quinn refused to believe; Sam's reasons had no base and Quinn knew something he didn't- Santana dated Brittany.

"You're not a property, she doesn't own you. Her _possessiveness_ is beyond normal." Sam argued calmly.

It made Quinn think; he looked at their friendship from the outside, he was objective and maybe what looked to her as what normal friends do or Santana being herself was actually something totally different.

Santana did act strange since she and Sam started to hang out and with joining glee it only escalated. But each time Santana referred to her as her best friends.

Sam didn't know how Santana worked; maybe it was a bit crazier than usual, but that was the way she used to be. Quinn had to find an explanation to what Sam told her, even if she knew Santana's behavior was out of the ordinary.

"We started to go our separate ways and she's scared of losing me, that's all. You're over analyzing it."

"If you say so. I'll drop it for now."

They entered the chorus room side by side, "Don't consider becoming a detective or something like that, you're so bad at it."

They laughed, but Sam didn't let it pass, "You'll see I'm right and when I prove it to you, I'll make you admit it and say 'I told you so' with a big smile."

Quinn was so sure she was right that Sam's statement sounded ridiculous to her.

"Keep dreaming, Evens."

Quinn was set on her new start, on getting better and she decided she wouldn't let Santana ruin it for her. Every time she thought about the girl something bad happened, but not that time. She lost herself in a mess she created and it was time to make a change; maybe after she'd get her control back and make peace with herself, she'd be able to deal with Santana.

Speaking of Santana, when Quinn entered and took a seat in the room, the girl didn't even glance at her. With what happened the previous day, Quinn shouldn't have been surprised, but it was a little weird. A small part of her wanted the brunet to get up and fight over their friendship, but she was mostly thankful that she didn't. Nothing good would've came out of it. Quinn wasn't the only one who needed to take care of herself, Santana also had to check her latest actions and work on whatever issues she had.

"Listen up, guys, Rachel has something to say." Will spoke.

"I have an empty house tomorrow and we have some new people in the club, so I think we should throw a party to bond!"

_"Oh Rachel, no.. No, no, no.."_ That was the last thing Quinn needed; a party with _everyone_, alcohol [because there wasn't a chance Puck wouldn't bring any] and social games. What made Rachel think it would do her good?

Quinn knew Rachel tried to do something nice and she didn't know how messy things were between Santana and her, so she couldn't blame her. Rachel was a great friend, that was sure, but Quinn was scared.

Everyone else was excited for the party, so excited that Will had to yell at them to be quiet because they were too busy making plans.

* * *

Quinn went to grab something to drink from the kitchen, while her mother prepared dinner.

"How was school?"

"Fine."

"I hope you're taking it seriously; you need to have good greats to get into a good college."

"I know, I'm serious." That was the 100th time Judy gave her that talk and she'd had enough, but she couldn't go because it's not polite. All she could've done was go with it until her mother was convinced that Quinn got everything and that she was humiliated enough.

"And that boy, Sam, he doesn't distract you or making you do things you're not suppose to, right?" Judy spoke with a patronizing tone.

"Not at all; he's a good student and we both believe in god, we would never do anything to disobey him." Quinn told her mother just what she wanted to hear.

Her mother nodded and Quinn thought it was the end of it, but she was wrong.

"I think you should watch what you eat more carefully.." Like her mother could go without saying something about her weight, "Men want to have a woman they can be proud of. I'm sure Sam would appreciate if you improve yourself, it's not like you can afford to eat as you do now."

It was funny; her mother thought she was doing her a favor, that she was helping her. Quinn heard those kind of things from an early age, no matter how hard she tried to be happy with how she looked and get rid of the obsession of being thin, it was stronger than her.

Her mother was way harder on her than on her sister, in her eyes Franny was the better one; she loved god and the church, she never disobeyed them or brought home people they didn't approve of and she did basically whatever they ever wanted.

Judy never was happy about Quinn, not even when she got straight A's and lost weight. Nothing was good enough for her.

When Quinn was younger she tried to make her happy, but with Santana and Brittany's help she saw that what was going on with her family wasn't right. As time went by, Quinn stopped trying so hard, but her mother's comment never hurt less.

She mumbled that she needed to go study and went back to her room. Quinn had to find something to occupy her mind so she won't do any further damage to herself.

She was determined and she wasn't about to let her mother break her spirit.

* * *

What Quinn didn't know is that, while she talked to Sam earlier, Rachel got into full 'best friend' mood.

Rachel was on her way to find her friends, when she saw Santana getting closer to Quinn and Sam; the latina had an angry look on her face, like she was ready to fight. Rachel wasn't about to let it happen; whatever Santana's problem was or the issues she and Quinn had, she couldn't let the her ruin the girl and her process.

"Santana." Rachel stood in front of her.

"Get lost, hobbit." Santana's eyes never left Quinn.

"You need to give her time." She kept a balanced tone, but it was assertive.

"I'm sorry?!" That definitely got the latinas' attention, she was fuming, "You have no right to tell me what to do or how to act with _my_ best friend! You don't know anything about me or our friendship. You think just because she's hanging out with you that makes you her new best friend? Think again!" Santana's face was red from anger and Rachel was a little scared. A lot scared.

"That might be true, but I know a few things that make me believe you two need to take a break from each other." Giving up wasn't a part of Rachel's personality, "She's amazing, I can see why you care so much, but you're going to lose her if you keep pushing. Please, just give her time to breath, she needs time to be an individual and figure who she is and what she wants." Rachel clenched on her shirt; the emotions on Santana face changed fast and she feared that the girl might hit her.

Santana averted her eyes and looked in deep thought. Rachel's heart pounded fast; it could've gone very good or very bad and she couldn't let it go bad. For Quinn's sake. The sight of Quinn standing at her front door, her clothes soaked with blood and in a complete mess would never, ever happen again. Even if it meant facing the school's bitch.

"I'll try, but I won't let you take her." Santana sounded so small.

"I won't, I promise."

"Take care of her."

Rachel was amazed how you can care so deeply about someone that you can actually hurt them.

She used to question Santana's motives, but when she saw how vulnerable she was just by talking about Quinn, Rachel knew she had to make it right. With that in her mind, her first priority was Quinn.

* * *

Ready for a party? ;)

I finished writing the next chapter [it's just need editing] and I'm really nervous to see what you'd think!

'till next time.


	12. New feelings

To be honest, I'm really nervous about this chapter. I really hope you'd like it.

Thanks to all of you that read, follow and review. I can't believe the story got 100 followers, amazing!

* * *

Quinn was in her room, listening to music and playing some card game; she wasn't sure if going to Rachel's party was a good idea.

"Hey, little sis." Frannie came in without knocking.

"What do you want?" Both girls never got along so Quinn knew she didn't come for 'sisterly bonding'.

Frannie walked around the room; picking things up and returning them to their place and looking around. "Do I need a reason to talk with my only sister?" If Quinn was looking at her instead of the computer screen, she would've seen the evil smirk on the older blonde's face.

"Cut it, just say what you came here to say and leave." Quinn was annoyed. Her sister was like an upgraded version of their mother, but worse; much meaner, stuck up, manipulative and prude. Quinn never got how she was born to that family..

"I've heard something juicy.." Frannie started and Quinn's heart started to speed up; she had no clue what her sister was about to tell her, but it made her nervous either way.

"Apparently your best friends or shall I say, former best friends, fancy each other." Her voice was laced with maliciousness.

Quinn's heart sank; how did Frannie know about it? And if she knew, her parents knew as well and she wasn't going to hear the end of it. The panic attack built inside of her, but she had to maintain her coolness.

"Where did you get this awful information?" She tried to dismiss Frannie's statement and maybe get her off her back.

Frannie snickered and leaned on the table, next to Quinn, "They're not trying to hide their unnatural behaviors; various people saw them displaying their disgusting homosexual tendencies in public. I guess they don't care if people know they're sick."

Frannie's words come as a surprise; Quinn was certain Santana and Brittany wanted to keep quiet about it. It made no sense that they would _act like that_ in public.

"It's cruel spreading something like that around. I know you hate them, but I never thought you'd stoop so law to hurt them. Grow up, Frannie." Despite their problems, Quinn still cared about the girls and never wanted to see them humiliated. Also, she hoped it wasn't true; seeing them together-together in public wasn't something Quinn thought she could handle.

Frannie looked so smug, it was sickening. Her sister, like their parents, didn't like Brittany and Santana; she thought the Latina didn't belong in the US and was vulgar and Brittany was a dumb slut.

Quinn let her family effect everything in her life, _but_ her friendship with the girls; they fought over it a million times, but Quinn never gave up on them and she wasn't about to start. Even though her body felt like she was on the sun and she barely was able to breath, Quinn didn't let Frannie get the upper hand. Her situation with Santana nor with Brittany didn't influence on her decision to speak up and defend them.

"Either you're too stupid to see what's in front of you or you're accepting it. I hope, for you, it's the first one; accepting a sin and be around those people is a disgrace for God, for your church and family." Her sister preached.

Quinn wanted to cry her eyes out, to burn herself, to just die right there and then; her sister's words were like sandpaper being polished on her body.

The young blond held back her tears as hard as she could and glared at her sister, "I know exactly God's view on that and I know what everyone else thinks so spare it from me. Second, just because God doesn't approve of it doesn't give you the right to put them down or bully them in either way. Grow up, Frannie!" She didn't stutter or move her eyes, Quinn's tone was firm and steady and it felt good for her to stand up to her sister.

Frannie clenched her jaw, she didn't expect the reaction she got from Quinn.

"Whatever, Quinn. If I were you, I'd take a step back, god forbid you'd catch it."

The door slammed and released all the feelings Quinn squeezed far away.

There were no tears or screams; Quinn stayed on the chair and took deep breaths.

_"Nothing's matter, nothing she said will affect me; I need to get better, I can't cut." _Quinn repeat this sentence over and over in her mind, rocking back and forth on the chair.

She felt like she needed to go to the bathroom, like her blood was on fire and she wanted to open her chest and make her heart beats slow down.

She wanted to be stronger, to be able to say 'I don't care what they think' and really mean it, but she didn't know how. She wanted to change, but was way too scary to even start going in that direction.

* * *

After she washed her face and relaxed a bit, Quinn called Rachel.

_"Hello, you reached Rachel Barbra Berry."_ The clean voice of Rachel was heard.

"Hey, Rach.." Quinn was a little nervous.

_"Oh hey, Quinn. How are? Getting ready for the party?"_ Rachel sounded excited.

"I don't know if I should come."

Rachel gasped,_ "You must attend, it's basically for you."_

"I know you mean well, but I had a not-so-fun conversation with my sister and I don't think it's a good idea."

_"Quinn, it's not an option; forget everything and come to the party, I promise you'll have a great time."_ She was so assertive that the blond thought she'd come to her house to take her.

She didn't want to disappoint her friend after all the trouble; she could handle it for a couple of hours and go home. As long as the new power couple stay out of her sight.

_"Now that this is out of the way, do you want to tell me what happened with your sister?"_

"Nothing, she's just playing with my mind." Quinn tried to brush it off, she couldn't tell Rachel the real reason.

_"Are you ok? You didn't do anything, right?"_ Rachel's voice was much quieter.

"No; I washed my face and I feel better."

_"It's good to hear."_ Both of them smiled at the end of the lines, _"If you want to talk about it, I'm always here."_

"Thanks, Rach. I'll go get ready now."

_"Yay!"_ Rachel squealed,_ "Goodbye."_

"See you soon, bye."

* * *

"It's now or never." Quinn told herself a second before she opened the door to Rachel's house.

She wore a simple pink dress that was a little puffy with black kitten shoes, her hair was loose and curled at the ends. She'd put on a golden neckless with a small heart at the end that she'd bought with Tina and Mercedes.

When she got to the street and parked her car, Quinn heard the loud music and knew Puck was already there. If it was up to Rachel they'd do karaoke and play some games, but it was obvious it wouldn't happen.

When she got in she couldn't believe what caught her eyes; it was the weirdest yet funniest sight she had seen in her life. She didn't expect it to happen, surely not right when she got inside.

"Shocking, huh?" Sam said in her ear because of the music.

"It's not real, I can't handle it." Quinn blinked a few times, "How?"

"Puck told her she had to try so she tried a shot and, apparently, she liked it."

"Poor Finn, she won't leave his side all night." Both of them laughed.

"How's it going?" Sam asked, "You look beautiful, by the way."

"Thank you, you look handsome as well," Quinn smiled, "I'm Good, you?"

"Great, I ordered a game I wanted for a while so I'm excited."

"Such a nerd." Quinn chuckled at him.

"You'd beg me to play it."

"Not a chance in hell.."

Sam laughed and then asked her if she wanted a drink.

"No, thanks."

"I'm going to grab one, I'll catch up with you later."

Quinn walked towards the couch and said hello to everyone she saw on her way. When she sat down, her eye scanned the room to find the Latina girl, but she had no luck.

"Hey, girl!"

"Oh hey, M, what's up?"

"So much better than I expected. Puck did a good thing, for a change." She took a sip from her cup.

"He knows how to throw a good party."

"I'm thinking of having a bet on who's going to throw up first, are you in?"

"Everyone would probably say the same thing." Both of them laughed.

"You're right, damn you Rachel Berry."

Mercedess started to tell her about a time when they had a girls day, they couldn't agree on what to do so they crushed the boy's day, dressed them up and made them do a runway. In the middle of the story, Quinn's eyes spotted something in the corner of her eye and smiled subconsciously. Santana came from the back yard and looked stunning; she wore a black tight dress with purple stripes across it, big round earrings and black high heels. Her hair was half tied up. Quinn slightly bit her lip, but returned her focus to Mercedess.

They were joined by Sam and the two talked and laughed at things that happened before she was in the glee club, but she didn't care. Quinn glanced at Santana and Brittany dancing, more like humping, a few feet from her. As she knew the girls, they were probably drunk by then and certainly didn't give a fuck that they were being watched. Quinn thought that maybe her sister told her the truth and the girls weren't hiding.

She knew she couldn't drink because it would make her angry and she would loose control over what she was saying and how she acted. She stayed sober and watched everyone let go and have fun. Well, she stared at a specific person and she made her body temperature rise.

_"It should be illegal for her to wear dresses like this; that makes her ass look so perfect, and her curves, and her boobs.. Those damn boobs. When did I become so..so gay? It's because I'm crushing on the hottest girl in the world and she knows she's drop dead gorgeous and insists on showing it. Ugh I'm in big, big trouble."_

* * *

It wasn't a real party without Santana and Brittany doing body shots; the brunet helped her blonde friend [or maybe girlfriend was the right term] lay on one of the tables and spilled some salt on her belly. All the boys cheered and whistled, the girls looked uncomfortable and Quinn wanted the ground to open and take her in.

The suffering blonde on the couch watched as the girl she had such strong feelings for, take the shot and moved her tongue along the trail of salt; it was agonizing to say the least.

A few drinks later, it was time for a game. Quinn didn't join in; she decided to save it from herself and not take any unnecessary risks.

At first Santana had to ask Tina. "So," She smirked and Quinn felt that warmth again, "Did you and Mike do it yet?"

"Santana, I don't think it's appropriate.."

"Cut it, Man hands. Don't be a prude."

"We did" Tina answered and everyone, but Rachel and Quinn whistled.

Next round was Artie and Blaine.

"Have you ever been with a woman?"

Everyone laughed, it was a hard thing to imagine.

He, of course, said no and ask Puck if he ever tried to be with a man.

"Have you lost your mind?! I'm cool with gays, but I can't never do it. Sorry to burst your bubble, dude." Puck's answer made everyone laugh even louder.

"Watch it, Puck." Kurt glared at him, but wasn't successful at looking threatening.

Puck got to ask Brittany and he had a huge grin on his face.

"So Britt, do you and Santana have a sex tape?" They all gasped and stared at the girls.

"I'm going to fucking kill you, Puckerman!" Santana almost jumped on him, but was stopped by Brittany who sent a pretty scary glare at him.

_"So it is true, they're out as a couple.. Now I'm going to see them kiss and stuff, just great. I love my life."_

"Either take the three shots or answer the question." Puck grin grew even more.

"You're a dead man, I'll kill you so slowly that you'll cry for every god there is out there, but no one would help you. Asshole" Santana hissed at him.

"Not cool, Puck." Brittany said, "And it's a no".

After a few more rounds, they change the game to 'spin the bottle'. Quinn made herself busy with her phone and Mercedes was passed out next to her.

She prayed that God would spare her, at least that night. He didn't.

When it was the third time for Santana to kiss Brittany, this time a real kiss, Quinn left and went outside.

She took a cup and gulped it in a second and then took another. She didn't want to have an attack with the whole club there, she didn't want them to know. But Quinn noticed that she felt something else, it was anger. She had two options in her mind; killing Brittany or kill herself.

How was she supposed to get better if everything in her life kept dragging her down?

Quinn never thought she was the jealous type, but hearing about their sex life and seeing them kissעשהe her weird feeling, primal ones. It was fucked up; they were three girls, two of them dated and she wanted to ruin it and be with her best friend and with that hurt her other friend. Who does that?

Then Quinn heard steps and turned around; she saw Santana get close to her and, somehow, get prettier with every step she took.

She couldn't bring herself to tear her eyes of off her, instead she stared into her eyes and gulped the lump in her throat.

"Lame party, I'm bored." Santana stopped like 9 feet from her and said casually.

"You seemed to have fun." Quinn mumbled quietly. It was hard for her to control her emotions; she was angry, but she was so attracted to her that it blurred anything else.

"I hate it, I kissed everyone, _but_ the one I truly want." Santana had a hard time standing still.

"I saw you kiss Britt a few minutes ago.." Quinn couldn't control the bitterness that took over her tone.

Santana huffed out of frustration, "Ugh you just don't get it! How can't you see it?!" Santana made gestures with her hands and averted her eyes.

Quinn thought that the girl had probably drank too much and, as always, her emotions were everywhere.

"I don't.."

"It was never Brittany.." Santana tried, but stopped, sighed and looked at the ground.

"So you're telling me you're dating Britt, but want to be with someone else? Santana, that is wrong, you can do this to her! She's our..."

"No! Fuck, I'm not cheating on her." Santana looked at Quinn and saw only confusion. She shook her head and mumbled, "Britt and I were never together, I always.. I mean, it was always.."

She ran her right hand in her hair, "fuck it." she said more to herself than to Quinn and moved forward.

Before Quinn knew what was happening, Santana cupped her face, pulled her towards her and crashed their lips together. Quinn gasped, she didn't understand what was happening; her eyes were wide open as she felt Santana's soft lips moving on her, her heart pounded fast from the excitement and fear. At first, she didn't react, she was in too much shock; even her hands were frozen in the air. Then Santana took her bottom lip in her and bit on it gently for a few seconds and let go.

The other girl opened her eyes and looked at Quinn; the blond noticed they were a shade darker and held both desire and uncertainty. She had so much to freak out about, but everything was pushed away to make place for two things- Santana and her amazing lips. Quinn felt Santana's hot breath on her and caught the scent of her vanilla perfume under the strong smell of alcohol. She couldn't help herself and flicked her eyes to Santana's lips, just for a moment; they were a little swollen from the kiss. She saw Santana biting down on them and she lifted her gaze to meet with eyes full of need. No one ever looked at her like that, with genuine want and passion; it caused a blush to spread from her ears, to her cheeks and down to her neck.

Santana tilted her head left and started to close the distance between them once more; Quinn's body was on fire from the anticipation and she licked her lips. Once their lips touched for the second time, both girls closed their eyes tightly and moaned quietly.

Quinn's body was tensed and she wasn't sure what to do with her hands so they just hovered over Santana's waist. She knew if she thought too much that perfect moment would end and she wasn't ready.

Santana's hands slid down to her neck and pulled her closer. Her tongue traced on Quinn's lower lips, asking for entrance that was given right away. Once their tongues met, a jolt of arousal and warmth filled Quinn's body and hit her lower parts. She was too scared to touch the brunet, but she did move closer to her and pressed her legs together tightly.

Santana's held on her was hard, like something horrible would've happened if she'd had let go, but Quinn didn't mind; the hot and slightly sweaty palms on her made her feel safe, Santana touched felt like home.

The kiss was desperate; Quinn knew she missed the girl and wanted her, but only when their lips touched she understood how much she really needed her. She felt the desperation from Santana's side as well, she was a little rough and bit her lips several times; it was like she let go of something she tried so hard to keep in control. If it was someone else, Quinn would've panicked and screamed for help, but it was Santana and the best kiss she'd ever had.

Quinn let Santana have the control, she enjoyed the aggressiveness of Santana's movement on her and how she dictated the pace. When Santana made a special move with her tongue, Quinn couldn't repress the moan and grabbed the hem of the other girl's shirt.

Suddenly Quinn heard a 'pop' sound and her body felt cold again. Slowly, she opened her eyes and saw the panic on Santana's face and, just like a train crash, all of her emotions hit her at once. She didn't know what to say, but even if she did, there wasn't anyone to hear it; the brunet ran from there like the wind and Quinn was left alone.

* * *

She stood in Rachel's back yard all alone in the cold night; she didn't move or say anything. Questions, regret, lack of understanding took over and she almost forget how to breath.

Santana, her best friend, the girl she had a huge crush on, gave her the best kiss of the life and ran. She ran! And Quinn was brought back to reality to deal with her old and new demons.

Quinn caressed her lips with two fingers; she missed how Santana's lips felt on her own, and she could still taste her sweet lipstick. She was sure she could kiss Santana for the rest of her life.

_"I want to kiss her? What am I thinking?! I can't feel like that, it's wrong. I promised myself to get better and change, but I'm standing here fantasizing about her. Why I had to fall for the most beautiful and greatest person?! I would never get better when I keep seeing her, looking all pretty and shit. And now, after I tasted heaven, how am I suppose to move on? Nothing will ever compare to what she made me feel and I don't think I will ever want anyone like I want her. Why me?! All I ever wanted is to be normal; have good grades, enjoy simple life and then move to college and start my simple life elsewhere. Ugh, her kisses are like a drug and I'm already addicted. I don't think I can take it, I'm losing my mind."_

"Quinn?" Rachel put down her cup of coffee and put her hands on Quinn's forearms.

Quinn looked at her with wide eyes, she still tried to recover and figure out everything.

"Hello, is someone there? Why are you out here, all by yourself?" Rachel's voice sounded more sober than when Quinn left to go outside, "What the hell are those?!" Rachel moved her hands on Quinn's neck, where Santana's held her moments ago, "For crying out loud, speak up! What happened?!"

"Not here" She panicked and she didn't want anyone to come out and see her like that. She grabbed Rachel and took her to her room. On the way there she noticed that Brittany and Puck weren't there and the rest of the glee club was headed to the door.

Quinn closed the door and leaned on it; she held her chest and tried to even her breath.

"Hey, hey, You're safe now. Calm down."

But she wasn't, she felt safe with Santana and the girl ran from her.

"I'm going to bring you water and me some coffee and I'll be right back. Don't move and take deep breathes." Rachel gave her a small hug and ran out.

Quinn moved to Rachel's bed and waited a few minutes until she came back. The shorter girl gave her the bottle and she finished it within seconds, it got Rachel even more curious.

"OK.. Care to tell me what are those marks on your neck and why you look like you saw a ghost?" Rachel sat in a chair in front of her.

Quinn couldn't look in her eyes; she didn't want to lie, but the truth was much more horrible. _"Right?"_ For the first time Quinn really deliberated on whether to tell Rachel everything and get it over with. She had nothing to worry about in terms of Rachel judging her or telling, she trusted her. Quinn was petrified of her feelings, let alone letting someone else know.

"I can see how deep in thought you are." Rachel said, "I told you before, thinking too much isn't a good thing. You saw I wasn't scared when you told me all about the self harming and panic attacks so what's keeping you from telling me whatever it is you need to tell me?"

"Because it's bad, it's the worst thing ever and I can't say it aloud." Quinn muttered.

"Quinn, whatever it is, it's eating you alive and won't let you heal. I get that it's hard to share private stuff with others, but sometimes you don't have a choice. It's for your own good, I can't stand seeing you like this and I'm sure it's tearing you apart. It'd be easier to deal with it together, I promise." Rachel moved to the bed and held Quinn's hands.

Rachel hit the mark, she was right about what it did to Quinn, but believe it or not, opening up is harder than living with it. The common belief is that if a person shares things that hurt them and talk about what's going on inside it's helps, it makes things better or easier. It's not always true; when you tell something personal to another you can never take it back, You're vulnerable and if you're not ready it can make things even more difficult.

Quinn had a lot to lose rather than gain and she was definitely not ready, but she felt like she would never be. She couldn't carry it anymore and knew she could count on Rachel to be by her side.

Quinn had to make the hardest decision of her life; give up on herself or fight. If she had to make it a couple of weeks earlier, she was dead, but Rachel helped her back on her feet.

"Quinn, you know it makes me nervous when you go to your little bubble." Rachel whined after Quinn was silent for five minutes.

"Sorry.." It was now or never, "Hum.. I'm.. I.." Quinn never thought she'd tell anyone so she had know idea how to say it and it wasn't something she was proud of.

Rachel patiently waited for Quinn to muster the courage.

"I'm.. I have.. I like Santana, I mean I have a crush on her." Quinn stuttered.

Rachel smiled, "I'm honored you told me." She said with excitement.

"Really, Rach?" knitted her eyebrows.

"What? It wasn't good? I worked on it for a while." Rachel pouted.

"What do you mean 'worked on it for a while'?! You knew?!" Quinn was in shock and folded her arms.

"No, me? Knew? Not at all.." Rachel turned around to not face Quinn.

"Rachel!" It made Quinn nervous, how could it be?! "How did you know? Please don't lie to me, my heart is about to burst from my chest."

The other girl looked guilty, she didn't mean to upset her friend or make her uncomfortable.

"I wasn't 100 percent sure, but it made the most sense."

"Explain." Quinn demanded.

"I saw how you look at her and from all our talks I gathered that your struggle has to do with god and your family. When you came that night and it slipped about how he keep bringing her or something like that.. My puzzle was complete." Rachel hesitantly looked at Quinn.

_"Is everyone in the glee club fucking detectives?! First Sam with his theory and now Rachel tells me that.. I can't believe it"_

"You think I care? You noticed that I have two dads, right?" Rachel chuckled and so did Quinn. It _was_ ridiculous.. But it was more than that.

"No, I know. It's just.." Quinn played with her rings, she was positive she'd have a heart attack.

"What happened tonight?" Rachel changed the subject a little.

Quinn blushed furiously and lowered her gaze.

"Quinn Fabray! A tomato would look white next to you." Rachel laughed, "Did something happened between you two?"

"Maybe.." Quinn said under her breath.

Rachel squealed and grabbed Quinn's arm.

"Rachel! You'll rip my arm! Let go, you crazy woman!"

Rachel blushed, "Sorry. So tell me."

"I can understand from your dreamy look that it was fantastic, just talk!"

"I don't have a dreamy look!" Quinn protested and covered her face. "Stop laughing! I'm never telling you anything anymore!"

"Come on, Quinnie, I know you want to." Rachel grinned.

"I hate you.." The giggled, "I don't know, I was outside and she came and told me she was bored and didn't get to kiss the one person she wanted to kiss.."

"Awe!"

Quinn glared at her and continued, "I didn't understand what she was talking about because I thought she was seeing someone and I saw them kissing.."

"Brittany?"

"What?! Do you know everything?!"

"I have a good observation skills."

"That's for sure." Quinn rolled her eyes, "Anyway, she mumbled things I didn't get and then just kissed me." Quinn blushed even more.

It felt good to talk about it, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"How did it feel?"

"Good.." Quinn murmured.

"That's all?"

Quinn hated that 'knowing all' grin Rachel had, "It was the best feeling in the world, happy?"

Rachel nodded and hugged her, "Very much!" She said after she let go, "So what's the problem?"

The smiled disappeared from Quinn's face, "She ran and left me there.."

Rachel had a matching expression on her face, "Without saying anything?"

Quinn nodded.

"I think I proved that my instincts are accurate, so that's what I think; she got drunk and lost her barriers, that's why she allowed herself to kiss you. She got scared because she didn't expect you to return it or to feel the way she did so she ran. I believe she has feelings for you as well, you both just needs to accept yourselves so you'd be together."

Quinn took everything Rachel said and processed it; it sounded reasonable, the first part anyway. Rachel talked about accepting it and Quinn planned to get rid of it.

"Rach, you don't get it."

"Get what?" Rachel tilted her head.

Quinn took a deep breath, "I.. I can't accept those unnatural feelings, I need to fix it."

Rachel huffed, she expected that, "Quinn.."

"No, Rach, I know your parents and how much they love you and how normal you all are. But I'm not _like that;_ I have a stupid crush that'll pass eventually. God's testing me and after I'll prove myself, I'll be fine again."

Rachel was stunned; she knew Quinn was religious, but she didn't know how much it affected her. It all made sense; the self harm, the panic attacks, the self hatred.. Rachel got very angry at Quinn's family for making her believe those horrible things.

"Quinn, listen to me, there isn't anything wrong with you and you don't need to change. You found someone you like and who likes you back, it's wonderful. God doesn't hate you; he made you the way you're and he loves you just like that."

"That's not true.."

"What if I told you the reverend at the church my family and I are going to accept them? There are a lot of people in the religious community who support LGBT people, including the pope?" Rachel saw the panic on Quinn's face and corrected herself immediately, "I'm not labeling you, I'm saying in general."

Quinn felt like a blind man seeing for the first time; the information was new to her, she didn't know any of that. She contemplated if indeed a thing like that could be true.

"Don't think about it now, give me some time and I'll give you proof that I'm telling the truth, ok?"

She got that far and it felt good to be open about it, at least with Rachel, so she nodded.

"Great. Just let me say, it doesn't matter who you love. It's your life and _you_ need to be happy with them."

"I can't do that.."

"Be honest, do you want to be with her?"

Quinn gulped and nodded. She was shocked that she told the truth; she admitted she wanted to be with a girl, with Santana.

"Love is a beautiful thing and you need to enjoy it. The self harming is the thing you need to fight, not your feelings. You don't need to almost kill yourself because there are people who think they know how god wants you to live your life."

"I'm scared.." tears stream down Quinn's face.

"I know and I'm here for you. I think we should meet so you can tell me everything, not tonight because we both needs some rest. But once I know the whole story and show you that what you feel is 100 percent normal, I'm sure you'll be much better. Don't let anyone bring you down; if someone has conditions for their love you don't need them. There are a lot of other people who'd love you for who you are, whatever that might be. If Santana is what makes you happy then you should be with her." Rachel hugged her tightly.

Quinn couldn't believe she was in that situation; hearing someone telling her that what she felt was right, that she should be with who she likes if it's what makes her happy. She had thousands of things to think about and worry about, but she just melted in Rachel's embrace.

If Rachel had said those things before her kiss with Santana she would've freaked and left, probably to hurt herself.. But The kiss changed it all; Santana's taste and smell and touch and voice.. Everything she made her feel and the way her body reacted to her, it wasn't something she could ignore. She wanted to be with the girl in every aspect; physically, emotionally, spiritually.. Whatever it was, Quinn wanted it.

She forced herself to believe those feelings weren't true, that she can make them go away, but that night changed her life. She didn't, suddenly, think it was right or could ever work, but she understood that it was something she couldn't let go so easily.

She had no idea what would happen the next day or week or year, but she was on the right path. Wherever it would take her.

She thought she needed to find who she really was and then worried about god and her family.

_"Am I growing up?"_

* * *

Rachel made sure the girl wasn't going to do something to herself when she got home, before she let her go.

Quinn promised to keep an open mind and Rachel promised to go easy on her.

Quinn thought that the least that could happen is that she and her best friends could be friends again. If it was the minimum she'd get from it, she was willing to try, they were worth it.

* * *

After she took a shower, Quinn got in her bed and prepared herself to over think every little thing that happened at the party. When she found the most comfortable spot, she heard her phone vibrate on the night stand. It was 03:10, there was only one person who can call her at that hour.

"Rach, I swear I'm going to kill you! I'm fine, go to sleep."

_"Can you forget about that midget for a second?!"_ Santana's raspy voice came from the other side of the phone.

"Santana?" Her heart fluttered and she blushed.

_"Yeah, your _real_ best friend, remember?!"_

She was clearly still drunk; Quinn was worried if she was safe at home or if she needed help.

"Where are you? Are you home?"

_"At Brittz, she still cares about me."_

"I care about you.." Quinn got offended, but she deserved it.

_"If you did you'd drop those losers and be with me.. But you don't give a shit, you have a new life now.."_

"Tana.."

_"No! You can't call me that anymore, not when you keep breaking my heart."_ Quinn could've sworn she heard her heartbreak when she heard Santana's words.

"You kissed me." The words just came out of her mouth.

_"What if I did?"_ Santana sounded insecure.

"And you ran. So what do you want from me?"

_"Isn't that clear? You're so blind.. I want.."_

_"Santana! Give it to me. Give it!" _Quinn heard Brittany's voice, _"I told you to go to sleep.. Oh, no, you didn't."_

_"I wanted to talk with my girl.." _Santana's voice was far from the phone, but Quinn still got it.

_"We talked about it, now go to sleep, I'll be right back."_

The line was silent for a minute and then it was Brittany's voice again, _"Q?"_

"Britt, what's going on?"

_"Don't worry, she's just drunk, it's cool."_

"Cool? It doesn't sound like that.."

_"I'm taking care of her, you should go back to sleep. I'm sorry for waking you.."_

"Britt!"

_"You can't do anything for her now, but we got her_" Did she mean Puck and her? And what was wrong? How could Brittany be so calm?

"Do you need me there? Britt, you're scaring me."

_"I know you want to help, Q, but she can't see you right now, it'd be too much."_ Brittany's words tore her heart apart; how she could say it when a few hours ago they shared a mind blowing kiss. Quinn guessed that while she opened up to Rachel and took a step forward, Santana took some back. Was that how things were going to happen for them?

"Take good care of her, Britt. And I'm sorry, for everything." Tears streamed down her face.

_"I know, Q, I know"_ She could hear Brittany smiled and then the call ended.

* * *

Thoughts? What do you think will happen next?

'till next time.


	13. Frustration

Hey guys!

Wow the last chapter got a lot of reviews, I'm thrilled to know you liked it. **Thank you so much for everything**, it makes the whole experience of writing more fun and a lot easier. I always re-read it to get motivated and inspired.

**One thing-** usually I'm uploading a chapter once a week and when I have the next one done [after beta check]. This week I was really busy and felt bad so I didn't have time to write. I'm not sure there will be a chapter up next week, the least I can do is try and upload it by the first half of the week afterwards. I'll try my best to catch up and not make you wait too long.

**Oh and last, important, thing-** Santana doesn't self harm! She has her own issues [you'll know very soon], but they're not like Quinn's.

* * *

Quinn's mind was focused on one thing, but it wasn't her teacher and the book assignment she'd given them last week. It has been four days since the party and two days, one hour and thirty minutes since Santana looked at her.

The good thing was that Quinn didn't hurt herself.

The bad thing was she'd never been more confused in her life.

Rachel and her had several talks about her feelings and Santana; the brunet had to take deep breaths from time to time because it was hard for her to hear Quinn's view on the subject. They even took breaks because they got too agitated. But Rachel always had a smile at the end; she saw how what she said seeped in and made Quinn think everything over. Quinn raised her eyebrows in question when she saw the other girl's grin, but Rachel shrugged it off.

Like in all her other classes that week, Quinn couldn't care less what the teacher talked about; she was in her own world. She found it strange that Santana was distanced, the whole kiss thing was awkward, but it wasn't like Santana to ignore her completely. How you kiss somebody, refer to them as yours and then act like they don't exist? Quinn knocked on the table and turned all the eyes to her.

"Miss Fabray, do you have something to add?" The teacher sneered.

Quinn blushed and shook her head; she sank into her chair and cursed herself and her life.

* * *

_"I want to kiss her, I want to feel those lips on mine again. I want to smell her, feel her hands grab my body, taste her.. I want it all. How one, quick kiss can change so much? She's not being fair; she was the one who kissed me, but ran and I've left with the unstoppable urge for her. And how couldn't I want her? She always looks perfect, especially with the Cheerio's uniforms and now I know how it feels to be so close with her-"_

"You're drooling." Rachel joked in her ear.

Quinn quickly moved to clean her lips, but there wasn't anything there. She glared at her, but Rachel only laughed harder.

"You really need to monitor your staring." She smirked, "And that goofy look you have."

"I don't have a-"

Quinn wanted to protest, but Rachel stopped her, "You were thinking about the kiss, weren't you?" She sang and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Be quiet!" They were on the far end of the gleeks table at the cafeteria, but they still needed to be careful, "And I wasn't, so stop it."

Most of the time Quinn was thankful for Rachel's support, but when the diva started to tease her about it she regretted she told her and turned red.

"You're such a liar, Quinn Fabray." Rachel clicked her tongue, "I could've sensed your frustration, sexually and mentally, even if I was standing on the other side of town"

Quinn looked wide eyed at Rachel for a few seconds, then she got up and walked away. With Rachel right behind her.

"Oh don't be a baby, I thought you began to accept that you have a lady bo-"

"Rachel Barbra Berry, I dare you to finish that sentence!" Quinn scowled, "Doing that duet with Puck wasn't a good idea; you're starting to sound like him, get rid of it." Quinn paced with no target through the halls.

"Changing the subject won't help you. And with all seriousness, " Rachel grabbed her arm, "What are you going to do?"

"I told you, nothing." Quinn said with a wan look covering her face.

"But-"

"Sometimes I have this strong feeling that I can just go with my heart and screw everyone else, but it's only a fantasy. In the real world, if my parents ever find out about it, they'll throw me out or worse and I can't let it happen." They got into a private area so Quinn let the sadness take over.

Rachel pursed her lips; she hated Quinn's parents so much, even more about how awful they were to their own daughter than what they thought about her family.

"Quinn, you can't let them tell you how to live; this is your life and you should be able to live it as you please."

"I can't do that; they wouldn't care about the world's progress, it's the same with what they think about immigrants. They're stuck decades behind and believe that their way is the right way, I can't afford to disobey them." Quinn sighed, "Can you imagine them finding out I like a girl and that she's Latina and don't believe in god? I think they'll get a heart attack." Quinn closed her eyes for a second and exhaled.

"That's their problem, I'm sorry. You hurt yourself to please them, you starved yourself before that and nothing worked. You need to be yourself and they need to either accept you like a parent should or suck it." Quinn giggled at how worked up Rachel got over it.

"Calm down, Rach, it's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?!" Rachel squealed and Quinn face palmed herself, "I don't want to hear you killed yourself because of them!" Rachel teared up, "I can see the pain you have in your eyes all the time, the only time you don't have it is when you look at you-know-who. You shouldn't be ashamed of it or give up on it because of what other people think, those people will never be content.." Quinn had enough of the pain in Rachel's voice and she hugged her tightly.

Rachel relaxed in Quinn's arms and whispered, "Don't let her go."

"I'll try." She whispered back.

* * *

A few days of longing stars from afar past; while the stunning Latina stretched at practices, bitched at freshmen and laughed in the breaks. For Quinn, no matter what Santana did, she looked perfect. Rachel kept teasing her, of course and she would never admit that, but some of the things Rachel said were true. Her body got hotter each day and it got harder to ignore.

***Flashback***

_"You need to take care of yourself, if you know what I mean." Rachel smirked and shoved her slightly._

_"Oh my god, Rachel!" Quinn jaw dropped and pushed her back._

_"Before you wouldn't be able to control yourself and drag her to an empty room, just sayin'." Rachel bit her lip hard, but it didn't help and she burst into laughter._

_"I'm not an animal.." Quinn rolled her eyes._

_"You sure look at her like a prey." It made Rachel laugh even louder, luckily they were alone in Rachel's house so no one heard the outrageous suggestion that came out of the short brunette's mouth._

_Quinn threw a pillow at Rachel and laughed when she saw the shock on her face, "I didn't tell you so you could mock me! Now go wash your mouth, you disgust me. How Finn dates you is beyond me." The last part got them in a pillow fight that went on for a half an hour._

***End of flashback***

Quinn giggled when the memories of that day before came in her mind while she was on her bed. Then her features changed; she told herself that she can't and that it was wrong, but her body was in a different place. Images of Santana flashed in her mind and she licked her lips as her hands roamed her stomach.

Quinn's eyes shut and fantasy created in her thoughts.

_She got in an almost empty classroom, the only one who was there was Santana. She wore a white blouse that had two buttons too much unbuttoned, the shirt was also a see-through and Quinn saw the lacy purple bra Santana had on, she had a black short shorts jeans and a pair of black stilettos. The blond swallowed the lump in her throat and moved to her seat, only to be stopped by the gorgeous girl._

_Santana pushed her on the teacher's desk and attacked her lips; her tongue invaded Quinn's mouth without asking, causing shivers to run down her body. Santana took Quinn's lower lip and bit on in a few times, making the blonde moan in pleasure she didn't know was possible. The experienced hands of her best friend slid from her shoulder to the small of her back and gripped tightly.."_

Quinn's breathing got heavier as her fantasy progressed, she stroked her stomach and thighs, not yet dared to move forward.

_"Quinn whined in protest to Santana leaving her lips, but quickly shut her eyes again and released a moan when she kissed and bit down her neck. The girl knew exactly where Quinn most sensitive spots were and left bruises all over._

_Quinn's hands clenched on Santana's head, making sure she won't stop and her head fall backwards._

_Santana parted Quinn's legs with her own and started to move, slowly, against her. It made Quinn whimper; she wanted it faster, harder, rougher, but Santana kept a steady rhythm. The blonde tried to change the speed, but Santana held her tightly in her place._

_Then the tanned girl yanked her tank top off of her and removed her bra, leaving her partially exposed. Santana moved her lips to Quinn's right nipple, she teased it with her tongue and then with her teeth. Only when she saw Quinn squirming under her, she started to suck on it. Quinn moaned loudly and bucked her hip on Santana's leg..."_

Quinn felt hot and blushed at her own thoughts, but she didn't want to stop. Her left hand, cautiously, traveled to her left breast and started to play with it. Her fantasy went on, she pictured them naked on the table, with Santana on top, kissing her way down her body. Quinn's nipples were rock hard and her hip searched for any friction, but with no success. Her lips were slightly parted and beads of sweat dripped down her face. She stroked hard on her thighs, over her scars, but she needed more.

In her dream she held Santana's head between her legs, not wanting the girl to ever stop. But in real life, she was too scared to touch herself _there_. She was dripping, maybe she needed to change her sheets because of how aroused she got, but she couldn't do it. She was embarrassed and scared, but most of all Quinn was frustrated.

She sat on her bed and looked at her wet short; her heart raced and her blood boiled, her body craved to be touched if not by the one she wanted, at least by her own hand.

Quinn was stunned by how much she wanted it and what only thoughts of Santana caused her body. The small friction from her legs shot electricity through her body and she moaned quietly. Fear took over and she panicked; suddenly it felt wrong and dirty. It was wrong of her to think of another girl, of her best friend. It wasn't something she was supposed to do; touching herself was disgraceful. Having intimate relations had to be only with a man and his wife, everything else was a sin.

Quinn got up and ran to take a shower. A cold-icy shower.

* * *

After she calmed down, Quinn needed to get out for some air; she told her parents she was going to the library, but what she really did was drive around town with her radio on.

Quinn was scared things started to get out of hands; Rachel knew, Santana kissed her, her family knew about Santana and Brittany and Sam thought the cheerleader was into her. Everything just moved so fast that she didn't have time to process them or have a plan.

She was divided about the fact that there was someone who knew; Rachel was a blessing and helped her a lot in terms of accepting, recovering and opening up, but it still felt wrong. People always say to share what you have inside, but you need to be ready, how do you know when you are ready? How 'being ready' suppose to feel?

For Quinn, it was a relief to have someone to talk to about Santana and her feelings, she didn't need to constantly check herself. However, she wasn't totally comfortable. The blond knew it had to do with trust issues and lack of acceptance from her side, because Rachel was nothing but great.

'Being on the fence' was much harder than on either side; at some moments her maid was set on going to Santana, grabbing her hand and announcing to the world that she liked her. The other moments were full of hate and disgust, with herself and with everything that had to do with the community.

Quinn started to get used to her heart constantly racing; she was always worried, nervous and on the edge of exploding.

She didn't understand how love, that was supposed to be an amazing thing, can hurt that much and caused so much trouble.

Was love worth losing everything? Is love is such a strong thing that it can top anything else?

Was love supposed to be that emotional roller coaster?

Quinn stopped at a supermarket to buy a snack and something to drink, all the over thinking gave her a headache. When she got out of her car, a song in her iPod changed and there was a brief silence; Quinn thought she heard her name being called, but didn't see anyone around her so she kept walking.

Sad songs played on her most-played playlist as she searched for something sweet; she needed to get something if she wanted to stay awake and be able to drive.

Quinn's phone buzzed and startled her for a second. She was thankful no one was around her to see jump and almost knock down part of the thing on the shelf in front of her.

Incoming: _"Are you done ignoring me?" _Quinn rolled her eyes and wrote back.

Sent: _"Are you done talking about both of us moving to NYC and getting into 'Nyada'?"_

Incoming: _"For now.."_

_"So What are you doing?"_

"Quinn?" She heard the voice from before, but it was closer and she knew exactly who it was.

Quinn turned around and became pale as she saw the person the voice belonged to. Her phone buzzed again, but she was in no state to even blink.

"I called you when you entered the store, didn't you hear me?" The woman said in her usual soft tone, "Quinn, darling, is everything alright?" The woman puts her hand on her head to check for a fever.

"Yeah, yeah, all good." Quinn gave her the best fake smile she could; it wasn't like she didn't _want _to see her or didn't like her, but she was the mother of the girl her heart can't seem to forget.

"How have you been? I didn't see you for a long time." Victoria's eyes were a little sad and Quinn felt bad. Santana's family was more a family than her own and she neglected them. She had a good reason to, but she still felt bad.

"You know how it is; with school and the 'Cheerio' and glee.. I barely have time to myself." Not a complete lie, that was something.

"I'm sure" They walked together as Victoria added items to her grocery bag, "You know, Santana misses you a lot, we all do."

It was awkward, maximum level of awkwardness. The woman was like her mother and she was in love with her daughter, it was so wrong.

"Yeah, me too. It's just that.." Quinn mumbled, she tried to find her way out.

Victoria sent her a sympathetic look and a nodded; she didn't want to cause the girl more embarrassment. But the look had something more in it, something that went by Quinn; Victoria could see the pain in Quinn's eyes and she was pretty sure she knew what was the cause. Victoria knew that look very well, she saw it fixed on her daughter's face for a while. For her, Quinn 's body scream the pain she tried so hard to cover up. It hurt to see the both of them in such pain instead of dropping it and be together.

Maybe her girl gave up, but she wasn't done yet.

"What do you say about dinner? I'm making one of your favorites and maybe we'll have a game night." Victoria took advantage of Quinn's inability to say no to her and spice it with an innocent look. Like mother like daughter?

Score!

After Quinn squirmed and tried to make excuses, she finally said yes. Victoria didn't plan to get any other answers; in her mind, those girls needed to see each other.

* * *

Both cars pulled in the Lopez drive way and Quinn helped Mrs. Lopez to get everything in the house. On the way there Rachel called her and kept sending her texts, but a part of not be able to answer while driving, Quinn was panicking. The right thing to do was to stop and talk to Rachel about it, maybe she couldn't have gotten out of it, but at least the girl could've calmed her down. But Quinn was too fixed on seeing Santana so closely and talking to the girl that she didn't think anything through.

Once Quinn entered the house the familiar smell filled her nostrils; it was the smell of her childhood and her growing up, but most of all it was the smell of home. It was absurd that the place she felt the safest and was the closest thing she got to a real-warm-loving home was her best friend's house.

"Where're the twins?" The place was too quiet for the twins to be there.

"Sleepovers, thank god." Victoria said laughing.

Quinn giggled, it could get loud when all the members of households were in.

"She's in her room, go. I'll call you when dinner's ready."

Nowhere to run, Quinn had to go upstairs.

As she walked to Santana's room, Quinn felt different; yes, she was stressed, but she also had butterflies in her stomach.

When she stood in front of Santana's bedroom door the thoughts ran in her mind; what was going to happen, did the girl really wanted to see her, can she handle facing her.. It was nerve wracking, but it was too late to run.

She quickly sent a text to Rachel that she was at Santana's and would talk to her later. Then she knocked.

"Sí, mamá." Santana's voice was raspy and Quinn regretted she woke her up.

Slowly, she opened the door and smiled awkwardly at Santana that lay on her bed.

"Quinn?!" Santana sat on the bed and looked at her with wide eyes, "W-what a-re you doing h-here?" Quinn wasn't yet use to hear the other girl's stutter.

It took her a couple of seconds to answer, because when she got in she smelled the usual mixture of coconut and vanilla; it always got her in kind of a natural high.

"I.. Your mother, I saw her at the market and she.. Um, she invited me for dinner and didn't take no for an answer." Both girls blushed when their eyes met.

"I can leave if.."

"No!" It was desperate and Quinn got it that time, it made her smile. "I mean, you can stay if you like.." Then Quinn could see the blush on her dark skin.

It was then when Quinn really looked at what Santana wore; it was a simple blue tank top, sweatpants and her secret glasses. It was so simple, but Santana rocked it, she looked absolutely beautiful.

The buzzing of Quinn's phone broke the uncomfortable silence.

Quinn sent a text back and shoved her phone back to her purse, "Sorry about that, Rachel just wanted to check on me."

"Whatever.." Santana mumbled and put the book she was reading on the night stand.

"I told her I'm at your place and that I'll talk to her later." Quinn felt she had to explain herself.

"You don't owe me explanations, Q. She's your friend, you can talk to her.." That was definitely a first, was the girl sick?

"Are you the same Santana Lopez I know or aliens did something to you?" Quinn laughed and sat on the edge of Santana's bed.

Santana giggled and shook her head, "I'm growing up, bitch." She smirked and winked and Quinn had to work really hard not to bite her lips.

"Who are you and what did you do with my best friend?"

Quinn expected a snarky comment, but she saw Santana's feathers fall a little and then she asked, "Am I still your best friend?"

Quinn was thrown back from that question and she wasn't sure what the answer was; of course Santana was her best friend, she will always be, but was that all they were? All they will ever be? She hit herself mentally, how could she think about ever be with Santana when she was so scared and insecure..

"You kissed me." Quinn said a little above a whisper. She didn't believe she actually said those words to Santana's face.

"Yeah." It come out strong as she intended.

"And you ran" Either of them didn't dare to straighten their eyes to the other.

"I did and I'm sorry.. I was drunk and you know-"

It was like a dagger in her heart, "That's all it was, a drunk night?

"Of course, what did you think? You know that when I'm drunk I do stupid things, I'm sorry."

If you were really, really quiet you could've heard Quinn's heart break into small pieces.

Was it really just a drunk night for Santana? Were the shivers Quinn felt while they kissed was her imagination? And the _'my girl'_ meant nothing? Were her feelings too strong that she was delusional about the signs?

That was what happened when she got her hopes up; it's not like she expected them to jump into something, but to hear that it was nothing burned everywhere.

"Do you forgive me?" Santana's eyes sparkled.

Then Quinn had a not typical thought; She and Rachel had a few talks about what might've been Santana's view everything that happened and what she felt, Rachel was sure that the girl had feelings towards Quinn but was too afraid to do anything with them. At that moment, in Santana's room, when she looked at the other girl's eyes she thought that what Rachel told her was right all along.

Quinn knew fear so she decided it was best for them to try to take, whatever it was, slow. She needed more information and she definitely needed to figure herself out first.

"How can I not?" Quinn gave her a small smile, "We need to try this thing," She sing between them, "But not as aggressive, what do you say?"

Santana nodded and tapped the place next to her, for Quinn to come and sit.

It was almost impossible for Quinn to keep an eye contact with Santana; the girl didn't have a bra on and all it took was a small glance and Quinn could've a perfect view of those...

"Q?" Santana frowned.

"Yeah?" That was close.

"Do you have something on your mind? Is something bothering you?"

_"You, sitting here looking so..so..Ugh!"_

"Not at all."

Santana smirked when she saw Quinn scratch her nose, but neither of them said a thing.

They had to have a talk and Quinn had to accept herself and she needed to talk to Rachel. All of that was put on hold because, for the first time in a long time, they were OK.

It wasn't stressful or awkward, it was just Quinn and Santana hanging out.

* * *

I know, I know.. It looks like Quinn isn't going to confront Santana and they're back on the 'bad' path, but the way the chapter ended has nothing to do with what's to come ;) Did I say too much?

What do you think? What do you hope\think will happen next? What will be Rachel part in all of this?

_BTW- Do you want me to reply to your reviews [here, on my tumblr..]?_

'till next time.


	14. Two idiot love birds

New chapter! :D

Sorry I kept you waiting, life got busy. I wrote every time I got some free time.

So.. I had a different plot for this chapter, but your reviews change it a little. One of the guests comment saying Quinn's attraction to Santana seemed only physical and I can understand it; I focused on Quinn more than Quintana's relationship, but it's going to change and the girls will get more 1x1 time.

I don't want to rush to anything and for it not to make sense so** thank you for being patient and keep supporting me and the story.**

**You can find me on tumblr-** Lesbianships.

**My ****_awesome _****beta's tumblr-** shesjustagirl.

* * *

Still on Santana's bed, the girls were watching "Adventure time" in complete silence. Quinn felt a pressure in her chest , she tried to focus on the screen, but her mind was elsewhere. So many questions ran through her mind and she felt her throat start to close, preventing her from getting air. They sat there like old times, but nothing was the same; Quinn had feelings for her, they fought, they kissed.. Not to mention that Quinn had no idea what the deal was with Santana and Brittany and their coming out to everyone and if Santana was _into girls_ why did she freak about kissing her.

Quinn needed to have that talk, she had to know what was going on so her soul could rest. She began to think of a way to bring it up and ran every possible scenario in her mind. The words were on the tip of her tongue, but her anxiety was stronger and she couldn't bring herself to face the subject; she was scared of Santana's possible reaction or what she'd say, her heart raced just because she thought about telling the girl it wasn't just a kiss for her. Whatever the outcome could be, she would at least know.. But going through that conversation wasn't something she was ready for. She was sorry she didn't call Rachel before entering the house because at the moment she needed her the most.

Quinn felt Santana's hand on hers, she looked at them and then at Santana with narrowed eyes. The other girl kept watching the movie like nothing happened, but gave a little squeeze.

Quinn was sure Santana's mission was to drive her crazy; that push and pull thing was too much for her little heart, but Santana's touch gave her butterflies.

She wanted to run more than anything, but this time she decided she'd stay and see what will happen. Quinn felt like she had to start acting like a grown up and face reality, no matter how painful it could get or how different it was from the way she thought it would be.

_"I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm going to regret it, she's going to hate me and it's going to be awkward.."_ Anxiety built up inside of her, but it was too late to go back.

Quinn laid her head, slowly, on Santana's left shoulder; she felt the other girl tense under her and take a sharp breath. It wasn't such a _bold_ move, it used to be normal for them, but Quinn wasn't sure what was normal then.

A few seconds later, Quinn still felt the tension in Santana's body; she intended to move and end the discomfort when she felt Santana take a deep breath and laid her hand on her waist. A small smile crept on to her face as she snuggled further into Santana's side; she was sure she could get used to this.

"So, um, what do you want to do now? Watch a movie?" Santana said when the episode ended, still in the same position.

"What do you say about talking? We haven't done that in a long time." Quinn looked at her, but she kept her eyes on the TV.

Santana readjusted herself on the bed, "OK, what about?"

"What have you been up to lately?"

"Besides getting high with Puck? Nothing re-"

"Santana!" Quinn got up and smacked the other girl's arm, "Stop laughing, there isn't anything funny about turning your brain into a mush.."

"I was just messing with you," Santana was still laughing, "You spend too much time with Berry, you've lost your sense of humor."

"Ugh shut up.."

Santana's hand was still around Quinn waist, the brunette pulled her back to rest on her side and Quinn quickly forgot what they'd talked about and relaxed.

After a comfortable silence that lasted a few minutes, Santana spoke up.

"Actually, I've been taking these classes I told you about and it's going pretty well."

"I'm really proud of you." Quinn smiled, "Why don't you sing solo in Glee? It _is_ a singing club, you know."

"I still have things to work on, but I'm preparing something. Maybe I'll even play the guitar." Santana said less confident than usual.

"You learned how to play the guitar? Can you play me something?" Quinn thought that if Santana could play like she could sing, it must be perfect.

Santana giggled at Quinn's excitement, "Not yet, I just started, I need to practice a bit more."

Quinn sighed, "Ugh, fine, but you owe me." She tried to find the comfortable position from before.

"Well, how's Sam?" Santana clenched her teeth.

Quinn made an effort not to roll her eyes, she needed to be patient, "He's good, I guess."

"You guess that your boyfriend is good?" Quinn felt the tension in Santana's body again.

"We're just friends so, yeah, I believe he's fine."

Santana moved and made Quinn sit back up. The blond saw she was about to say something, but stopped her, "It's not important, can we not talk about him?"

Santana looked in her eyes, she wanted to say something, to know more, but instead she sighed and nodded her head.

"You know, every time I go to 'Breadstix' they ask me about you, they're scared you'll come and eat all the bread sticks they have." Quinn tried to lighten the mood.

"Those bitches have nerves! I'm a regular there, they should give me a VIP membership or something." Both of them laughed.

After the laughter died Santana spoke up again, "I saw this dress in the mall and I _have_ to get it, I just need to convince my parents to let me buy it."

"Really, S?" Quinn raised her eyebrow.

"Duh!"

"I'm sure your mom will give you money to buy _yet another_ dress that you'll only wear once. You can open your own store with how many clothes you have."

"Don't underestimate me, Q, I always get what I want." Santana looked her straight in the eyes.

_"Is that so? Interesting."_

"I'm sure." She said a little quieter.

"Can I ask you something, Tana?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Do your parents know about you being.. You know..?" Quinn's cheeks were reddish.

"A lesbian?" Quinn nodded, "They do, since last week; I just got tired of hiding it."

Quinn propped up on the pillow next to Santana, she tried to gather enough confident so she could ask her some other questions she was dying to ask.

"And.. I mean, how did they react?" She took her ring off and put it back on as she waited for the answer.

_*Flashback*_

_It was an ordinary Sunday evening and the Lopez family was almost done eating their dinner. The twins were busy, each on their own cell phone, but Santana's parents glanced at one another throughout the dinner; they saw that their daughter didn't touch her food and looked very nervous._

_Santana felt like her secret was too much for her to keep carrying around, she had to get it out. She knew her parents wouldn't react badly and probably tell her she could told them sooner and not torture herself so long. Her brother and sister would be fine too, it'd only give them another reason to tease her more._

_Santana wished it was that simple, but coming to terms with who you are and accepting it was hard even if you have the most accepting family in the world. Especially in Santana's case._

_After long talks with Brittany that included a high amount of tears and some yelling, Santana was set on telling her family at least some of the truth._

_"Mama, papa I h-have t-to tell you something." She couldn't hear a thing beside her heartbeats, but despite her stress Santana had to get it off her chest._

_"Did you get knocked up?" Her sister joked._

_Victoria sent her a glare and the girl immediately got back to her phone._

_"Please continue, mi hija"_

_"Isable, Leon, can you.. Can you turn off your phones for a second?"_

_"What did you do and how does it relate to us?" Her brother raised his eyebrow, just like she does all the time._

_"Do as your sister told you and let her talk." Santana's dad took his son's phone from his hands and put it on the table, far from him._

_Her family looked at her, they waited for her to speak up, but it was too hard to say those words to them._

_"It's OK, sweetie. Whatever it is we'll always love and support you, don't forget it." Her father smiled at her while her mother nodded._

_Santana chewed her inner cheek, she just had to get the words out of her mouth. She hated hiding things from her family; they were her biggest source of support and she wanted to share it with them._

_"I'm, I'm.." She counted to three, "I'm gay."_

_When she saw the smile on her parents face the pressure of telling them that she felt inside for so long vanished._

_"Honey-" Her father started, but was interrupted._

_"So you like to fuck girls? At least you won't get preggo."_

_"Leon, to your room! You won't see anything but your school until you'll graduate!" Santana's mom yelled at him an pointed at the stairs._

_*end of flashback*_

She smiled, "They were cool, I didn't really expect anything different; my dad actually was laughing and told me he can teach me his tricks. He got my mom to marry him, so they must work." Santana said with laughter and Quinn joined her.

"Ugh, I would want to see Victoria's face when he said that."

"Oh yeah, yeah, it was like.." Santana cleared her throat, "Usted? Enseñar nuestra hija cómo coquetear con las chicas? You never had game, si alguien le enseñaría lo que sería yo!" She imitated her mother's heavy accent.

"I didn't understand half of what you said, but it was hilarious! She'd kill you if she'd know you do that." Quinn held her stomach, she laughed so much it hurt.

"I know, that's why we'll never tell her." Santana barely managed to say that, she was too busy laughing.

"Oh and she told him that he's basically got nothing to teach me and she'd be better at that."

"You're so lucky, you have the best family in the world."

Quinn couldn't help the jealousy she felt inside; she _was_ happy for Santana, but she knew her parents were nothing like that . While Santana got a hug and was told she was loved, Quinn's parents would've disowned her, throw her to the streets and never speak to her or about her again.

"Hey, why the long face?"

Quinn shook her head, afraid her voice would've betrayed her.

"La luz de mi mundo, Soy afortunado que son existen porque te trajeron a este mundo, para mí. Forget about them, you have other people who are willing to be your family." Santana caressed Quinn's face and wiped the tears before they'd a chance to escape the blonde's eyes.

Whenever Santana spoke Spanish, especially to her, Quinn melted; she felt her knees getting weaker, her mouth was dry and electricity ran through her body. This time was a bit different because then she felt how her panties were damp by the time Santana finished talking.

She pushed those thoughts aside only to see how close both of them were; only an inch separated their lips from recaptured the most perfect moment in Quinn's life. Screw her confusion, the unanswered questions and the consequences; for once in her life, Quinn wanted to go with her feelings.

Quinn leaned forward, she could've almost felt Santana's taste, "Q, wh-what are you d-doing?" Both of their eyes were closed.

"I don't know."

"We can't, we shouldn't.." Santana mumbled, fighting her own need for he best friend.

"What if I want it?" Quinn's senses were off, her guards were down and she succumbed to her heart will.

The girls breathed heavily on each other face. One move and everything between them would've changed forever. For the better? For the worse?

Santana's hand pulled Quinn to her, not that they needed, Quinn was eager to close the distance. Their lips brushed , causing them to gasp. It was good, it was familiar and most of all- It was right.

Quinn was about to deepen the kiss, when the girls heard Santana's father call them from downstairs. They didn't move until he was done talking and then they broke apart, flustered and blush covered their faces and ears.

Quinn was freaked out and she saw Santana was exactly like her. It was a crucial time; they could've gone back to running and screaming at each other or slowly figure their feelings. Quinn had a decision to make and not much time to do it, but maybe it was a good thing. They say you should make a decision based on your first instinct because that's what you _really_ want to do.

Quinn wanted Santana and she was tired of running.

"Let's not make this awkward or get back to not talking, please." Quinn said softly.

"OK."

"OK."

* * *

"Quinn!" Mario gave her a tight hug the moment he saw her, "It's not acceptable to stop visiting, you've been missed."

"Don't believe him, he wants you here so we'll be even on game night." Santana grinned and gave her dad a kiss on the cheek.

"That's a lie and Quinn knows it, we love her." They walked towards the table, "Besides, You two, always win. Why would I want that?"

Quinn laughed at the exchanged and sat down.

"Everything smells really good, Victoria. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I love cooking and with the twins gone, I'm happy you're here to enjoy it." Victoria smiled as she placed the rest of the food on the table.

"And you have to stay for dessert, I made red velvet red cake you'll never forget." Mario said and took another bite of his wife's meal.

"I'm sure it tastes amazing, as always."

"You're too kind, my child."

"Don't think she's always like that, when she's not around you she becomes a punk." Santana giggled. Quinn snorted and elbowed Santana's side, "Hey!"

"If someone is a punk it'd be you, dear. Now stop teasing Quinn and eat your dinner." Victoria smirked.

"Si mama." Santana lowered her head and continued eating.

It was Quinn's turn to giggle, Santana wasn't top bitch at home and it was cute. Santana glared at her, but it only made her look cuter.

"Q, I swear, if you don't stop-" She tried to say it quietly so her parents wouldn't hear.

"Fine, you're no fun." Quinn bumped into her. Her eyes winded and she looked at the girl next to her, she was with the same expression. Both of them felt goosebumps when they touched.

Victoria and Mario looked at each other and smiled. Their daughter walked around with a grumpy face for too long, they noticed how much she was hurting and couldn't do anything. They were glad she told them she was gay, but they hoped she would also tell them about Quinn so they could finally encourage her. They tried to make her happy by doing other things, but Quinn lit her spirit up just by being near her.

Santana's parents agreed not to intervene, but gave them the push they needed. It was obvious it wasn't going to be easy, but they were positive the girls were belong together so they could jump over any obstacle that came in their way.

"No, no, Quinn you don't need to help at all." Victoria dismissed Quinn saying she'd do the dishes.

"You wouldn't say that if it was your turn to do them!" Mario said from the kitchen and the ladies laugh.

"I think I better head home, it's getting late." Quinn's voice was a little sad.

Only Victoria caught the quick pout that was on her eldest child, it was a rare sight, but again, it was because of Quinn.

"It was great seeing you again, promise you'd return soon?" Victoria said when she hugged Quinn "Maybe a sleepover at game night?".

Quinn gulped; she couldn't do a sleepover, that was just a disaster waiting to happen "I promise to visit." She smiled.

"Good. Santana, walked her to the door."

Santana rolled her eyes, "I'd do it even if you didn't tell me."

_"I'm sure you'd, mi hija."_ She smirked when the girls turned and walked away.

"So.. I'll see you at school?" Santana played with the hem of her shirt.

"Yes. Thank you for today."

"I had fun."

"Me too.."

It was a little awkward, but they went for a hug. A tight one, like they were holding for dear life.

"Good night."

"Good night, S."

* * *

_"Pick up, pick up, pick up!"_ Was all that ran in Quinn's mind as she waited for Rachel to answer her call.

_"Tell me_ everything_." _She empathized.

Quinn laughed, "Not the usual opening? Wow."

_"Quinn, I'm not kidding. Tell me!"_

"OK, stop yelling at me or I'll get into an accident."

"We didn't talk about us or the kiss or Brittany-"

_"So what did you talk about?"_ Rachel was too anxious.

"At first we just watched TV and..Um..well.." Quinn got nervous. She was thankful they weren't video chatting because then Rachel would've seen how red she got.

_"What?! What happened? Tell me!"_

"We cuddled, well not exactly, I just rested my head on her shoulder and she laid her hand on my waist.."

_"You totally cuddled! It's so cute!"_

Quinn narrowed her eyes and shook her head at the high Rachel's voice got.

_"What else?"_

"We talked, almost kissed, ate dinner and I left." Quinn rushed the words out of her mouth.

_"Almost? Why almost?" _Rachel sounded disappointed.

"Her dad called us for dinner, but it was good, like a long peck."

_"And you're not stressing or freaking out or booking a ticket to some deserted island.. Are you sure you're Quinn Fabray?"_

"I kept all of it just for you, aren't you happy to be my friend?"

After the laughter died Quinn spoke again, "I don't know how to explain it, it just felt natural. I'm scared, no, I'm terrified of what can happen and from people finding out. I'm not sure _I_ can handle taking any step forward and I think neither does she, but it's like there is something pulling us to each other."

_"It's normal; you found someone, but it's complicated. Just look how far you've got, the Quinn from two weeks ago would have crushed into a tree by now because she was too scared. You're so brave and strong, I'm proud of you-"_

"Rach.." Tears formed in her eyes.

_"No, hear me out. A few months ago I would've said you're a snob, a bitch-"_

"You really know how to make a girl feel good." Quinn chuckled.

_"_But_ I was wrong; you have a huge heart and you're a great friend and you worked so hard to not let your demons control you. It's not easy and won't get easier soon, but now you have the will to fight. I'm right next to you, just don't stop believing in yourself."_ There was a silence for two seconds, _"And in Santana."_

"I wished I knew how to thank you, Rach." Quinn parked her car and wiped the tears from her eyes, "I wouldn't be here without you. I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you. I don't know how, but you keep me sane, thank you."

_"Forget it, that's what friends are for."_ Quinn heard Rachel's taking a deep breath, _"Oh and I'm doing a duet with Santana, we're working together tomorrow. Don't kill me. Bye."_ She mumbled it fast and hung up.

Quinn didn't move for five minutes, thinking if she should go hit Rachel or run and hide. There wasn't a way that Rachel wouldn't snoop around and get information from Santana, no one can hide anything from that girl. She was probably doing it for her.

Quinn smiled and sent Rachel a text, then she got out of her car, locked it and went home.

Sent:_ "You! I'll catch you, don't worry XDD Just don't put too much pressure on her, please."_

Incoming: _"I'll take good care of her ;) Good night, Quinn."_

Sent: _"*eye roll* Good night."_

* * *

**Rachel's side**

Rachel convinced Santana to came to her place, she paced in her room until Santana was due to arrive. The young diva was nervous; she had a goal for that evening that she was determined to reach. Rachel Berry was gonna get an answer to if Santana really liked Quinn and why she acted like a jerk.

Quinn chased her the whole day at school, she asked her what she planned to say to Santana and warned her not to spill anything. It was extremely hard not to laugh or grin at how worried Quinn was. Rachel's lip was bruised from biting it all day to stop her from breaking her serious face and laugh.

To be honest, Rachel was frustrated with the situation; it was either the girls admit they like each other and work on getting together or go their separate ways because the middle wasn't an option anymore. It almost ruined Quinn. If playing cupid was the only way to get them together, so be it.

Who was she kidding? Rachel loved being the matchmaker and she couldn't wait to tease Quinn even more about it when it finally happens.

_"Secret mission: 'get those two idiot love birds together' start"_ She needed a better name, but this temporary one was good enough.

Fashionably Late, Santana rang the bell and the girls went to Rachel's room where drinks waited for them.

"I'll just go ahead and say that," Santana opened her mouth before they reached the room, "You're probably the last person I wanted to do this duet with and I can't believe I'm going to hear you blubber for the next three hours." Rachel glared at her, but it didn't stop her from ending her sentence, "_but _you _can_ sing so let's just get it over with so I could go back to doing my thing."

"It was only time until the girl with the strongest voice and the one in second place will perform a song . Whatever this important _'thing'_ is, it'd have to wait because I'm not settling for less than perfect." When Rachel didn't get any response from Santana she turned to look at her and arched her eyebrow.

"Is that Quinn's?" She moved her hand on a familiar jacket that was on a chair.

Rachel grinned, _"Are those two blind? Love does makes you stupid sometimes.."_

"Yes, why?" Rachel tried to play it casual.

"She left it here?"

"Yes, she did." Rachel thought it was kind of weird; what was the problem with Quinn leaving things at her place? Jealousy?

"She's never leaving things at people's houses like that, I guess you really connected." The Latina muttered.

"She's a great person, it's hard not to be friends with her."

Rachel was extremely curious what was behind Santana's eyes, she seemed to be in deep thought. Of course Rachel knew better than to push the girl in front of her too much. At least she knew her efforts weren't in vain and that all she needed.

"Let's start rehearsal, I don't want you unprepared and mess it up."

Santana glared at her ,"I can do this in my sleep and still be better than you so shut your trap, RuPaul."

Rachel rolled her eyes, how a sweet girl like Quinn fell for a girl like Santana was a mystery to her. They were friends for years, Quinn must've seen other sides that no one else saw, Rachel assumed, maybe if she'd played her cards right she would've gotten to see them as well.

While the girls worked on their duet, Rachel got glimpses of what was under Santana's solid walls; when the taller girl sang her eyes were full of emotion, you could've felt the words of the song reaching the bottom of your soul and it made Rachel shiver and it almost never happens to her.

At the moment they started to sing Santana changed, softened. Rachel recognized the same passion in the other girl, she had the same amount of it herself.

Seeing Santana in that light made Rachel think, she wondered why instead of being _that _person all the time Santana chose to act out and terrorize others. Was popularity such a big deal that the two people who ruled the school had to change everything about themselves to be on top?

Rachel didn't have it easy; glee was her family and safe place, but it also meant getting bullied every single day. Sometimes she wished she was more popular, to be the one dictating how things works, but it changed as she saw the painful truth behind the spotlights.

Seeing Quinn compromising herself for the protection that being above all in school gave her, opened Rachel's eyes. She wanted her best friend to see that friendship and love can give you all the power that you need, can help you get over anything. She wanted Quinn's priorities to change, the blond needed to put herself before anyone else and love who she was so she could be open to receive other's love.

The duet was ready in no time and the girls actually had fun and even laughed a few times. Rachel knew she had to work fast because Santana was about to leave and she was yet to get answers.

Santana was busy drinking the tea with honey Rachel made her drink to keep her voice well. The shorter brunet tried to be natural, she sat on her bed and looked at Quinn's jacket.

"You want to give it back to her? Wouldn't Sue kill her if she won't wear it?"

Santana's hands clenched the mug she held, "She has more than one." She thought for a moment and spoke again, "It's a thing she does, kind of marking a place she feels comfortable in. Brittany has some of her books and she has a drawer and some closet space in mine. Keep the jacket, just be careful she won't take over every empty space." She let a soft laugh at the end.

Rachel didn't need anything else; the way Santana spoke, the look in her eyes and the half smile in the corner of her mouth when she said those things was enough for her to be certain the feelings were mutual.

"I was more relaxed if she was staying here." The words spilled from her mouth before she had a chance to stop.

Santana narrowed her eyes, "What was that suppose to mean?"

Rachel couldn't let Santana know or suspect anything was off about Quinn, she swore to protect the girl not to cause more damage.

"You know how her parents get and it's just more fun to have someone around. I enjoy being around her, except when she's just leave once she think I'm talking too much, it's so rude of her-"

"Berry! How can you speak so fast? Jesus! I spent too much time around you, I better leave before you put on me the same spell you put on Q."

Something told Rachel that Santana didn't completely buy her story.

After she ate dinner and took a shower, Rachel text Quinn; she decided it was best to talk about everything face to face.

* * *

**Quinn's side**

Incoming: _"It was a productive meeting. See you after your practice tomorrow so we can talk. Good night :)"_

* * *

**What do you think about the Quinntana scene and interaction, Santana's parent's, Pezberry, Rachel's slip?**

*I used Google translate for the Spanish parts, don't kill me*

_"mi hija" - _My child.

_"Usted? Enseñar nuestra hija cómo coquetear con las chicas?"_ - You? Teach our daughter how to flirt with girls?

_"Si alguien le enseñaría que sería yo"_ - If someone would teach her, it'd be me.

_"La luz de mi mundo, Soy afortunado que son existen porque te trajeron a este mundo, para mí"_ - The light of my world, I'm lucky that you are here because you were brought into this world for me

**'till next time :)**


	15. Old habits die hard

Almost a week since I updated? I really thought I had more time.. Oh well, here is ch.15.

I **LOVE** your reviews, they make me smile and gives me inspiration and motivation. So** thank you** for that and for the alerts and favorites :D

* * *

Quinn didn't get much sleep the night Rachel sent her that text about the meeting with Santana and refused to tell her anything else. It's not like Quinn didn't try to get her friend to talk, Rachel just never answered her calls or text. The anxiousness she had all day long replaced with frustration, she couldn't believe Rachel actually pulled a stunt like that. She wasn't happy at all.

When Quinn finally fell asleep, her alarm clock woke her up for her morning practice. She groaned and almost threw her phone, she wished she could skip the practice and find out what happened with Rachel and Santana.

After she ignored her mother at breakfast, Quinn got to the field and saw Sue yell at one of the new cheerleaders. She texted Rachel again, telling her that if she'd kept dragging this along she'd take her 'Funny girl' DVDs, Quinn was sure it'd work.

"Why are you so grumpy?" Quinn lifted her head to see Santana's smiling face.

She blushed and smiled back shyly, "Didn't sleep well," It wasn't a lie, "How was yesterday with Rachel?" She asked carefully.

Santana rolled her eyes, "I don't know how you stand her, she drove me crazy. We sang our duet so many times that I dreamt about it! Then she forced me to drink tea with honey, like I'm a sick kid or something."

Quinn giggled at Santana's rant, she knew the brunet exaggerated and was over-dramatic.

"Oh poor, Tana. Singing all day then drinking tea with honey, I can't imagine how awful it must've been." She said sarcastically then chuckled.

Santana glared at her, "Don't mock my suffering, Fabray!" She walked away from her.

"Oh come on!" Quinn walked behind her and tried not to laugh, "I'm sorry, just stop."

Santana turned around with the cutest pout Quinn ever saw, plastered on her face. She wanted to grab her face and kiss her so badly.

"Come here," Quinn opened her arms and motioned Santana to get closer; if she couldn't kiss her she'd have to settle for a hug.

"Stop that lady-loving; you can do each other on your free time, not on my field. Now start stretching!" Sue yelled at them through her megaphone.

The girl quickly jumped apart; the last thing Quinn needed was someone spreading a rumor about Santana and her. She was tired of always keeping one eye open, of the constant worry and how hard she had to work on not slip and hurt herself. She didn't want people to start looking at them funny and most of all she didn't want Santana to freak out and for this to ruin the little progress they achieved.

* * *

"What the fuck are you doing here? Get out!"

Quinn heard Santana from the other side of the locker room and went to look who managed to upset her so early in the morning.

"Santana calm down, I'm here to speak to Quinn."

"Rachel?"

"Well you can wait for her outside, now get the fu-"

"Tana, stop it." Quinn stroked Santana's arm.

"You know Sue will kill you if she knew someone, who isn't a 'Cheerio', was here." Rachel felt like the two forget she was even there. Something clicked in her head; Santana wasn't angry at her for getting into the cheerleader's locker room, she didn't want Quinn to get in trouble. _"Was Santana acting sweet?! That's probably the weirdest thing I've ever seen."_

"I'm done, we're going. Come find me later?" Quinn smiled at her co-captain and Santana only nodded.

When they were walking out, Rachel turned to look at Santana and saw her face hardening once more. She guessed that the glimpse of softness she witnessed was reserved only for Quinn.

* * *

The girls had forty minutes until their first period, so they found a quiet place and made sure there wasn't anyone to eavesdrop or bother them. They sat under a tree and enjoyed the cold air.

It was then when nervousness washed Quinn's body; she knew nothing bad happened because Rachel and Santana looked normal, but she couldn't control the fear of hearing something she didn't want to hear come out of Rachel's mouth.

Rachel grabbed her hand and squeezed it, "Calm down, everything's fine."

"Everything would've been fine if you had told me what happened right after she left, I thought I was losing my mind." Quinn's voice was stronger than usual, but Rachel didn't get offended.

"I know and I'm sorry; I had things to do and I thought it was better to talk in person."

"That means that you have bad news?" Quinn's voice was dripping with disappointment.

Rachel adjusted herself so she would face Quinn, "Let's see; she insulted my bedroom, told me I sounded like a whale giving birth and didn't stop rolling her eyes. Apart from that, she's an angel."

Quinn gave her pointed look, "Not really what I meant, Rach."

Rache's features became more serious and Quinn felt sweat all over her body, "She saw your jacket on my chair and told me how you leave things at places you feel comfortable. Thank you, by the way."

Quinn nodded and smiled shyly.

"I don't know Quinn, something in the way she spoke about you and the look she had in her eyes... It's not how friends act with each other."

Quinn felt torn; she was glad to hear that there is a chance Santana had felt the same, but at the same time she was terrified of that possibility. She laid her head on the tree and sighed.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I don't know." She paused, "I just want it to go away."

"Quinn-"

"No, Rach, you don't get it. Everytime I'm with her it's like I'm home, my heartbeats syncs with hers and I'm happy." She smiled a sad smile, "But it could never work; I can't think about telling her how I feel or to hold her hand or let people see us together. It doesn't matter that I'm more accepting towards other people like me, I'll never be able to accept that I'm, too, like that."

"They'd never be happy with anything you'll do," Rachel laid next to her, "Don't you see that? They'll keep criticizing you and want more, until they'll no longer be here and then you'll be left alone to live with the person you become. You think you'd be able to do that knowing you gave up on love? The way you feel with her right now is only the tip of the iceberg, yet it's enough for the smile to never leave your face. Can you honestly tell me you'll be OK giving that up? To live your one life without her in it?"

Quinn choked down her tears; the truth in Rachel's words burned her soul.

"I understand that it's a huge struggle, but you must be selfish here. You're not breaking the law or hurting anyone by having feelings and you won't if you act on them." Rachel cupped Quinn's face and made her look at her, "It doesn't matter how long it'd takes, how painful or how many people you'd lose. The only thing that's matter is for you to fight and not compromise on your life. I promise you that you'll have a lot of support from other people that will love the real you and you'll feel much better." She brushed the tears from her eyes, "You need to be strong, to decide you're going to fight for yourself and not stop."

"Every time I feel like I'm taking a step forward, something in me screams that it's wrong and dangerous. I'm stuck and I'm scared.." She collapsed on Rachel's shoulder.

"I'm here to take your hand and help you to keep moving." Rachel pet her back, "But I think it'd be easier if you had Santana's hand too. You might not see it, but she's different with you and you glow around her. Denying yourself to express and enjoy the full power of love is tragic. And it's coming from a person who fought and got hurt from love, yet now Finn and I are happier than ever."

Quinn cleaned her face and took a couple of deep breath, she laid back on the tree and looked at the sky, "I wish it was easy."

"It will get easier, just hold on."

"What now?"

"You need to spend time together; to get to the point when you feel comfortable around each other again, and we'll think how to take it to the next level."

Quinn giggled, "You're more invested in it than me."

"What can I say, I'm team Quinntana all the way." Rachel said proudly.

"I'm sorry? 'Team Quinntana'? Have you lost it completely?"

"Shut up, you didn't even thank me for wasting my afternoon with your crazy girlfriend. That girl is-"

"She's not my..She's not." Quinn blushed and mumbled.

"She'll be, soon, and you'll have to make her treat me with more respect because I'm your best friend."

Quinn never thought a world where Rachel Berry was her best friend and Santana Lopez her girlfriend could ever exist.

Her cell phone rang and she took it out of her pocket, "Answer her."

"What?"

"You have that stupid grin on your face, just answer her."

Quinn blushed and slid her finger on the screen, "Hey, S."

"We're in the back yard."

"Yeah, I'm with Rachel." Quinn chuckled and Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Tana! Be nice." Rachel looked at Quinn with a bittersweet smile and it was hard to admit, but she thought Quinn and Santana looked so cute together.

"Just come here and we'll go to class together."

"I'm waiting, just come here instead of arguing. Bye"

Quinn shoved her phone back to her jacket, "She'll be here in a few."

"Whipped!" Rachel said under her breath.

Quinn looked at Rachel with wide eyes and they both burst into laughter. After they relaxed, they closed their eyes and rested on the tree. Quinn had a lot on her mind; she had to make hard decisions that would change everything. The move she made since it all began and from that moment determined how her life would turn up.

"I can't believe it; Rachel Berry isn't speaking? That's a once in a life sight."

The girls opened their eyes and saw Santana standing in front of them, her arms folded and her signature evil smirk with a raised eyebrow.

"Santana, I'll have you know-"

"Don't start." Quinn sighed; she knew those two could never get along. "Sit down, San, and enjoy nature."

Santana moved to sit next to Quinn, but looked puzzled, "Did you really just said that? Did Puck give you something? I bet he did, that son of a-"

"Leave him alone, he didn't give me anything. It's just a beautiful day, so can you not destroy it?"

Rachel clenched her jaw so she won't laugh at how obvious Santana looked trying to not roll her eyes at Quinn. The last few events gave her, what she thought was a brilliant idea, but there were some who'd disagree.

"What do you say about all of us going to the cinema together?"

"Who's all of us and why would you think I'll spend my time hanging out with you?" Santana didn't bother to open her eyes.

"It'll be fun! Finn, Quinn, you and I can have a great night out together." Rachel said too happily.

Quinn's body felt like it went out in flames, she opened her eyes and glared at Rachel. How the girl just suggested for them to go on a _double date_ without talking to her first? Santana and her weren't even dating!

Santana wasn't far behind with the panic look, but she wasn't sure if what she thought Rachel was implying was really the truth. It was crazy for her to think that; why would Rachel sat up a _double date_ with her and Quinn, they were friends and Quinn was straight as an arrow. Her heart pounded like crazy in her chest and she was lost for words.

Rachel tried to hide how pleased she was to see the both of them panicking. She told Quinn she'll think of how to get them to the next level and placing them in a dark, romantic place sounded, to her, like a great start. She knew Quinn would yell at her later, but she was sure the pair needed to loosen up and let their feelings out. She just had to convince Finn to go with it without telling him anything.

"It's not too intimate, so you won't have to talk to us all night, but will give us the opportunity to get to know one another." Rachel sounded sure of herself.

"And what makes you think I want anything to do with you and that lizard you're dating?" Santana spat and got a shove from Quinn.

Quinn blushed once more; as much as she hated the sneak attack, a night out with Santana sounded great. In addition, Rachel would be there and maybe make it less awkward.

"San.." She said softly.

"Wh-" The girl gulped when she looked at the pout on Quinn's face.

"It can be fun. You can choose the movie, you always chose the best ones."

Rachel wanted to protest, but got a kick in her foot from Quinn.

"C'mon, we can ditch them at any time."

"You really want to go see a movie with-" She saw Quinn's glare, "Fine! But we can go, at any time, if we want to."

The other two girls nodded and smiled.

When they got up to leave Quinn whisper thank you to Santana. She could've sworn she heard the girl mumble something in Spanish, it was something like "Tienes suerte me gustas tanto."

_"I need to pay more attention in Spanish class..."_

* * *

It was a couple of days later and a day before the unofficial double date. Quinn and Rachel had talked about it for hours, after Quinn was done with the silent treatment she gave Rachel for one whole day. They went over every scenario and Rachel repeated over and over again that it was OK for Quinn to feel that way and wanting to be with Santana.

That night she stayed at home to rest and read the new book she bought, but before Quinn went to take a shower. She turned on the hot water and the whole room became steamy, just how she liked it. She lay on the wall and let the water wash down her body, taking the stress with it. Then her mind wandered to the next day; she thought about what to wear and what Santana would wear and if they'd actually have fun. A few moments later, there was a turning point; her mind raced with so many thoughts of how the night could end badly and the hot water made it harder for her to breath. She felt like she ran out of air and close to fainting.

She opened the door and ran to the sink, where her phone was; she always took it with in case something like that ever happen. Her heart pounded hard and fast, her stomach felt knotted and she wanted to puke. The thought of something happening between Santana and her freak her out.

She speed dialed Rachel. She called her five times, but the girl never picked up.

Then Quinn remembered that Rachel was at Finn's so she maybe put it on silent or something. It didn't help the fear that took over every fiber in her body.

She tried to rational it, to tell herself it was the right thing to do and how much she wanted it. But there wasn't anything logical there, it was so deep inside of her that she couldn't reach and stop it.

Her entire body was sweaty and her mouth was dry, she had no idea how to get out of this state.

All it had to do was pop, for a millisecond, in her mind to make her not forger, to make her believe it was the only way to stop the pain.

Quinn opened the cabin door and the razor just fell into her hands. She managed to catch it and walked to sit in the corner of her bathroom.

She rocked back and forward, wanting to cry but nothing came out. The conflict drove her to the edge, she couldn't take the chaos she had in her mind. Quinn pressed the sharp tool on her thigh skin, next to old scars, and move it quickly along it causing the skin to split open. She did it again and again and again for what felt like an hour.

They weren't deep, thanks to the thick skin in that area because if she had done it elsewhere it wouldn't end up like that. Her thighs that healed since last time, were covered with blood and in dark red color. But the physical pain didn't matter, she barely felt it, what was important is that it gave her peace. Quinn felt how slowly the craziness in her head fade and she got that relaxing high she longed for.

She felt nothing.

And it was great.

Quinn got on her feet and cleaned the mess she made, she put the razor back in his place and covered herself with a towel. She took her phone and walked out to her room.

"Santana?!" She looked in shock at the girl that sat on her chair. She saw how the bright smile she had on her face was replaced with concerned and the panic, slowly, crawled back.

* * *

Thoughts about Quinn-Santana-Rachel, the relapse, the upcoming movie night _-double date-_?

A huge dose of Quinntana [and Rachel XD] ahead!

_"Tienes suerte me gustas tanto."_ - You're lucky I like you so much.

'till next time.


End file.
